Freddie Fernortner: Fearless First Grader #1: The Fantastic Flying Bicycle

Freddie Fernortner: Fearless First Grader #1: The Fantastic Flying Bicycle

I wasn't even aware that this partictular series of books existed until my friend and co-founder of this partictular blog, Chris Bly, gave me this book at school last year. At first, upon seeing the very title and cover of this book, I knew that this would be the scariest one I had ever read, much scarier than any of the Chillers books. He also told me that he hadn't made it past chapter three, which scared me even more. But I had to read it. For the blog. I let this sit on my bookshelf and collect dust for almost a year until one partictular Sunday, when I was bored enough to read it and write this partictular review. And I somehow found that I was almost three times as bored by the time I finished this book.

Main Characters
Freddie Fernortner, whose believability disappears halfway through the novel, and Darla, Chipper, and Mr. Chewy, who all disappear into a lake and a cloud halfway through the novel.

Plot
This book is 100% absurd. I mean, I'll read you the first few paragraphs and tell me that it isn't. It starts off with an apparently omniscient narrarator who may or may not be Johnathan Rand.

The story of Freddie Fernortner is a curious one. Oh, sure, he was in many ways, a normal first grader, with a few small exceptions. For one, Freddie was very, very smart. When he was just one year old, he could speak very clearly. At two, he knew his ABCs. And when he was only three, he knew the names of every single state in America. His Mother and Father were quite proud. His mother would often look at him and say, "My goodness, Freddie! You're the smartest boy in the city!" This made Freddie feel very good.  But Freddie Fernortner also had a very, very active imagination--- a fearless imagination--- which, unfortionately, often got him into trouble. And not just him either. You see, Freddie had three best friends: Darla, his next door neighbor; Chipper, his friend from across the street; and Mr. Chewy, Freddie's cat. The cat was named Mr. Chewy because Freddie had taught the creature to chew bubble gum. Mr. Chewy could even blow bubbles!

So, do you see what I mean? A bubble gum chewing cat, a flying bycicle, and a ridiculous, whimsical narrarator. So, it starts off describing how Darla leans outside from her bedroom window and asks if he wants to go on a bike ride.

Upon hearing this Freddie "leapt" to his feet and agreed. They go down "fudgewhipple" (?) street and ask Chipper, their overweight and funny friend if he wants to go and he agrees, and says this:
"We can race each other to the park. Why, I can pedal so fast, that I can almost fly!" 
Which got Freddie thinking. "You know," He said as he turned and stared up into the bright blue sky, "I bet we really could fly. I mean... if we worked really hard."
So, Freddie is "getting more and more excited by the second" and tells them how they can make wings out of sheets, bungee chords, and wood and hook a fan up to the bike chain. Although initially reluctant, the friends agree when Freddie says "it won't be scary, it will be fun!" And they proceed to spend two hours building something that I, and anyone else, could have built in two minutes. Now we get to our first "cliffhanger chapter ending", where it says: Question was: Would it really fly? Freddie Fernortner, fearless first grader, was about to find out.

Dear Lord, Johnathan Rand is actually trying to make an adventure novel SCARY!!!! What is wrong with this guy? So, the bike does fly and he actually flies above his neighborhood in circles for several minutes without anyone noticing. "See!?!?" Freddie shouted to the neighborhood below. Wow. Did you have enough exclamation points and question marks after that? So he asks Darla to come along on an adventure to nowhere in partictular, and soon Chipper decides to come along, and feels the need to actually bring the cat along, and then the narrarator says that Freddie did not know that disaster was about to strike... What? Really? Another scary cliffhanger chapter ending?
So, apparently there are very large gusts of wind, and they decide not to land like idiots, and keep going on their makeshift and precarious aircraft that can somehow support the weight of three people and a house cat. And then the narrarator says: Of course, Freddie, Darla, and Chipper had know way of knowing it, but their troubles were only beginning. My God, if there were a drinking game based on how many misleading scary cliffhanger chapter endings there were in this book, you would be wasted in the first five chapters. They finally say that they have to land, something they should have said WAY before they got into gale force winds, but the wind is too strong and they arrive in a cloud. Wait, so they are now 6,000 feet in the air? The cloud is gigantic and they cannot see what is coming. So, like normal kids, they are not worried at all until they see a jumbo jet coming right for them in a cliffhanger chapter ending! However, the plane, and its passengers, who somehow saw the bicycle manages to miss the bike by inches, without sucking it into its engines, or flipping it over, I guess. So, out of the clouds, they turn around and begin to dive for a landing, but the chain is broken and they are plummeting to their doom in a cliffhanger chapter ending. Thank Goodness! So, like everyone falling to their deaths, they casually discuss where they want to land, maybe in a haystack. But, really, they would want to end in a lake, because they would be wiped out in a haystack. Then they start to circle downwards and tell Freddie to avoid the lake, because there may be sharks in there.

Come on, sharks don't live in lakes... do they?
So, they do land in the lake and it is only waist deep. But then there is a giant water snake, that turns out to be a branch. So, he actually fixes the chain and they decide that they want to fly again. Um, why? You were almost killed last time! But then a bear chases after them, and they narrowly escape it. In the next chapter, they are attacked by eagles. Good Lord, these kids are the unluckiest kids in the universe. They narrowly escape the eagles and discover that there is a storm chasing after them. They escape the storm and a gust of wind carries the ridiculously precarious bike higher, and finally into a pine tree. So, they fix the bike and fly to their street and proclaim that they will be "heroes" for building the bike. (?) So, the bungee chord connecting the wing to the handlebars snaps and they frantically argue about what they must do. He tells Darla to hold the handlebars as he bends down and fixes it.

He fixes it just in time, right as the entire thing crashes into the sidewalk. They are thrown onto a soft patch of grass as God finally chooses to destroy the freaking bike, something he had tried to do from the get-go. Darla expresses happiness that they didn't get killed, but Freddie is glum that they won't fly again. ??? I wouldn't go near that thing if all that crap happened to me! So, Freddie tells his family all about what happened, but nobody believes him, and he actually asks if he can go to the library to read scary books. What brought this up? Nothing. He just feels like going to the library to read scary books. He gets another good idea so he calls both of his neighbors who live right next to him and tells them to come over. But, why didn't he just come over there and ask them? So, he tells all of his plan about putting up a tent in their backyard and reading his scary book aloud. And our narrarator says it is: Something scary. Something terrifying. Something that wasn't a story. Something that was real. And for Freddie Fernortner, fearless first grader, it would be a night that he, Darla, and Chipper wouldn't soon forget....

And that was The Fantastic Flying Bicycle and wow, it sucked. This was the most absurd, insulting, outrageous, stereotypical, unlikely thing that I have ever read!

What I Learned From This Book
* A fan can propel a bicycle loaded down with three people and a house cat.
* Cats can chew bubble gum.
* Jets can miss a flying bicycle by inches without actually hitting it.
* Bicycles can fly.
* Kids can take two hours to build the easiest contraption in the world.
* Flying bicycles can climb into the altitude that commercial jets fly in.
* Bicycles can travel 6,000 feet in the air.
* Children know what a water snake is.
* Sharks live in lakes.
* If you are falling to your doom, casually discuss where you would like to land.
* If you want to fly around the state, don't tell anybody.
* Children use the phrase "holy cow!"
* Bears will attack children without any provocation whatsoever.
* Eagles will attack children without any provocation whatsoever.
* Never make a flying bicycle or you will be attacked by every creature ever created.
* Johnathan Rand is OBSESSED with putting scary elements or referencing scary books in every book he has written.

Great Prose Alert
The roaring of the plane grew defening. Louder, louder.... And then--- It was gone!

Great Observation Alert
"We're going to be smashed as flat as a pancake! My Mom and Dad are going to be really, really mad!"

Onomatopoeia Alert
Bang! Kerrunch! Crash! Boom!

Memorable Scary Cliffhanger Chapter Ending Alerts
* And he started pedaling... not knowing that disaster was about to strike.
* Of course, Freddie, Darla, and Chipper had no way of knowing that their troubles were only beginning.
* Darla was right. A large plane suddenly appeared through the clouds. It was moving super-fast... and it was headed right for them!
* The three friends---and Mr. Chewy, too---knew that their luck had just run out.
* "A giant water snake!" She shrieked. "It's coming after me!"  
* They were running because something was chasing them... and that something was a bear!
* But something else was really mad. And at that very moment, it was chasing them... Freddie, Darla, and Chipper just didn't know it yet. Two seconds later, they found out what it was.
* In the next instant, the bike and its four helpless passengers crashed into the top of the pine tree.
* "Everything will be fine. I promise." But Freddie was wrong. Because everything wasn't going to be fine. As a matter of fact, things were just about to get worse. A lot worse.
* The bike began to lower, gliding effortlessly toward the earth... when disaster struck.
* "Hang on tight!" Freddie ordered. And as soon as he got those words out, the fantastic flying bicycle crashed down onto the sidewalk.
* They were all going to have a lot of fun. For a while at least. Until something happened. Something scary. Something terrifying. Something that wasn't a story. Something that was real. And for Freddie Fernortner, fearless first grader, it would be a night that he, Darla, and Chipper wouldn't soon forget....

Anorexia Alert
"Maybe I'm too heavy!" Darla shouted as the wind rushed past. "I had a big bowl of cereal for breakfast, you know!"

The Million Dollar Question
Can children build a fully functioning flying bicycle? If you answered no, then you've just won a million dollars!

Conclusions

Need I say more?

Wisconsin Werewolves

American Chillers #7, Wisconsin Werewolves

First off, let me say, Happy Halloween! Please leave a comment telling what you were or did for the holiday. It is, after all, my second favorite holiday. And how was I forced to top it off? Reading another Johnathan Rand novel. My God, I hate this. So, let's dive right into Wisconsin Werewolves.

Main Characters
Jeremy, whose believability disappears halfway through the book, and Colette, who disappears into a forest halfway through the book.

Plot
Our protagonist, Jeremy, begins this wretched children's novella with the phrase:

Hide and seek. That's the game we were playing that night. The night it happened.  

Oh my God! He began this book ominously! But what was the night? Was it Tuesday, Wednesday, or Friday? Describe what 'that night' actually means! So, he is playing hide and seek with his friends, Colette, Stuart, Brian, James, and Tyler in the woods outside his home of Madison, Wisconsin. Well, it looks as if Johnathan Rand pulled out The Big Book of State Capitols again and just looked up Wisconsin. Also, what kind of parents just let their children wander around in the forest after dark? So, Jeremy picks out a hiding spot in a thick bush when he notes all of the wildlife, like owls and bats that he really likes. Wait a minute, did he say BATS? Well, everybody loves bats. After all, they only gave Cujo rabies and terrorized an entire Texas community.

One kid is found and impatiently exclaims that he is missing SpongeBob. Wow. It looks as if The Big Book of State Capitols isn't the only book Johnathan Rand is using, but also The Big Book of Child Stereotypes. So, he's hiding when he hears the growl of some large animal, which freaks him out, therefore giving his place away to the person who is it, Colette. He tries to tell the group about what he heard, but nobody believes him, because everyone knows that there are no wild animals in the forest that make noise. DUH! And his friends begin to savagely taunt him and call him names. Wow, I think it's time for some new friends, Jeremy. Of course, they are suddenly attacked and chased through the forest by a mysterious creature. Our protagonist describes the group as "careening down the trail like a group of wild banshees". Wait a minute, how does an eleven year old even know what a banshee is? Also, he describes how the group would never get out of the forest alive. But, sure enough they do, by "flying" down the trail. Meanwhile, back at the cul-de-sac, all of the kids believe him now and one of the kids actually starts discussing werewolves, and one of them tells the group that the tale that the werewolves can only come out in a full moon is just "an old wive's tale" and that they can come out any night. Wait a minute, HOW DID HE KNOW THAT????? He didn't even think that werewolves were real a few minutes ago! Our protagonist says that "in fact, no human could ever make a sound like that." Well, that's rational, and apparently a fact, too. So, everyone clearly ignores this incident and decide to go inside and act like the whole thing was just a dream and decide to forget about it. Well, you were almost murdered. Of course, slip it under the rug. So, while trying to fall asleep, Jordan looks out the window and sees a werewolf, and it actually starts scratching the window! So, he starts screaming and flees to safety, under his bed. Well, he won't look there! So, his parents come rushing in and tell him that all he saw and heard was a BEETLE!!!! HOW THE CRAP DO YOU CONFUSE THOSE TWO THINGS?????


That's like me confusing a Hummer with a tricycle!

Besides, he just said that what would happen still sends shivers down his spine! So, this kid's afraid of an insect??? The next day, he is told that Colette has wierd footprints all over her yard, and Brian has strange claw marks on his siding, but no footprints. Hmm. Right at this time, Stuart arrives with gauze bandages all over his neck and arms, to which Jeremy exclaims "Holy smoke!". Yeah, because all eleven year olds speak like that. But Stu only fell in the garage last night. What was he doing in the garage? And besides, when is Johnathan Rand actually going to introduce some terror into this book?  So, Colette insists that she never thought that werewolves were "for real". What is this, 1985???
FER SURE!!!!!!
And, after all, werewolves only appear in cheap children's books. Believe it or not, this book actually gets more ridiculous. So, they see a police car at James' house, and instantly assume the worst, but it's only to inspect some damage on their property. Seriously??? ANOTHER FAKE OUT???? So, James comes outside with a paper bag. And they look inside and gasp. That was an entire chapter, practically. What's inside the bag that is so scary? A human heart? No, some HAIR!!! That's right, HAIR. So, everyone starts arguing whether it may be from a dog or something like that. But James assures them that it is much too long, and therefore, must be from a monster. Well, that's rational. So, the kids decide to execute a very flawed plan, in fact, one of the most flawed plans in the hisory of flawed plans. They plan to go into the woods at night, without telling anybody where they are going or without any weapons and take a picture of the wolf and submit it to the police. Yeah, but what if you are all KILLED????? I mean, there are bears, werewolves, racoons, and bats lurking around! And besides, it doesn't help your credibility to be eleven. If you go into a police station and say "We have a picture of a werewolf!" They are not going to waste their time because they have murders and robberies to solve and will simply make you leave. Jeremy asks Colette if she wants to go to the library with him to do research on werewolves, because, you know, there will be so much factual information on something that nobody but children thinks exists. When they arrive, they discover a strange, tall man who claims to be the substitute librarian, while the actual librarian, the friendly and elderly Mrs. Owens, is away. They are wierded out by him because all substitute librarians are SCARY!!!! So, they go to the "werewolf section", because all libaries have that, and suddenly Colette begins terrifyingly screeching in italics that he's watching them. Really? Did that deserve your fear? There are werewolves about and you are afraid of a librarian watching kids??? They flee the library and proceed to "prepare" for the confrontation with the werewolves by doing nothing. Later that night, when there is a full moon, the kids go into the woods and discover that there are TWO werewolves. Wait a minute, why did they come out during a full moon. They just said that werewolves can come out any time, so the full moon really has no signifigance here. They flee without getting a picture. See what I mean by FLAWED PLAN??? They go back to the library the next day and discover that the substitute guy is still there. They soon see that there is a werwolf in the library that is about to attack them. However, the librarian tells them not to be afraid because he is actually a werewolf hunter named Mr. Von Dugan. Wait a minute,WHAT?!?!?!?!

So, they all flee, because that's what werewolf hunters do, and they manage to pick up Von Dugan's book of spells, which they use to defeat the werewolf, which is revealed to be MRS. OWENS!!!!

A TWIST ENDING!!! So, they go outside and discover that it is now nightfall. There they discover the other werewolf, going into the forest. Jeremy says that it is the same forest they came out of. But how many forests are around your neighborhood? Since they know how to stop them, do they do anything? No, they let it get away! So, believing that the problem is solved, they decide to go on with their lives.

Okay, WHAT?????? WHAT??????? WHAT?????? WHAT?????????????? WHAT???????? Really?!?!?! You know there's a werewolf out there, and you're just going to leave it alone???????

So, they ask Mr. Von Dugan if he is German, and he says yes, but says that he is from Lacrosse, but works for Germans. So, in other words, you're not German. So, with a werewolf on the loose, they go fishing. WHAT???? And there Jeremy meets Rachel, from Minnesota, who tells of her encounter of killer mannequins posessed by aliens!!! Yeah, I know. This will be the next book, Minnesota Mall Mannequins, which I have begun to review below.

Things I Learned from this Book

* Kids use the word lickety-split
* Kids use the word drats
* Kids use the phrase holy smoke
* People who are in no way whatsoever German can be German.
* If you know how to defeat werewolves, only defeat one and leave the other one alive to continue to vandalize property and kill people.
* There are zillions of stars that speckle the heavens.
* Werewolves can come out any time, the legend that they can only come out during a full moon is only a wive's tale.
* People who don't believe in werewolves can throw out facts that would be impossible to know unless you have seen one before.
* If you are almost killed by a werewolf, ignore this and casually fall asleep like nothing ever happened.
* If you want to go hunting for werewolves, don't tell anybody where you're going, and don't bring any weapons.
* Beetles can be confused with a six foot tall beast man.
* If you want to learn FACTS about a mythical creature, head to your local library.
* Werewolf hunters can also be substitute librarians.
* Magical spells can break the werewolf curse, not a silver bullet, apparently that's just an old wive's tale, too.
* American Chillers suck.
* All kids love to fish.
* You can go werewolf hunting without any weapons or knowledge of how to stop them.
* Werewolf hunters will flee when faced with a werewolf.
* Eleven-year olds love hide and seek, and watch SpongeBob regularly.
* American Chillers still suck.

Great Prose Alert
Brian's eyes grew to the size of eggs!

Amazing Insult Alert
"You're nutty like a fruitcake!"

Amazing Joke Alert
"Maybe the werewolf was my sister! She can get pretty ugly sometimes!"
Everybody laughed.

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Endings
There's two this time, folks. This is because there were two werewolves in this book!
* If you get scared easily, put this book down, because what was about to happen would scare the daylights out of anyone. Okay, try me. Maybe I won't just put it down, maybe I will burn it, too!
* Stuart let out a blood-curdling scream. Next Chapter: "Why don't you watch where you're going, Stuart?" Colette shrieked "I can't see!" "Well, whose fault is that?" Um, it's not his fault that he can't see, Colette. Maybe you should have brought some flashlights, but you didn't, because you are a very inept werewolf hunter.

Stereotype Alert
Mr. Von Dugan. He's German. Need I say more?

Where Have I Seen This Before Alert

That's right, folks. Not only did The Beast of Bray Road take place in Wisconsin, but it also featured a werewolf! Hmm, now that I think about it, maybe I should have used Pet Semetary Two, because that one had kids, but no werewolves, or maybe Never Cry Werewolf, because that had a werewolf and a werewolf hunter, but no kids.

The Million Dollar Question
Can people who are from Wisconsin and work for Germans be German by default? If you answered no, then you've just won a million dollars!

Conclusions
This book was awful. I mean, really bad. Really, really bad. The plot was ridiculous, and it was hard to read, but I have to admit that Johnathan Rand actually does show what the werewolves have done without actually showing them. And he doesn't use as many fake outs as he usually does. So, this is actually a pretty decent entry, because it doesn't wait until chapter 30 or so to get the action rolling, but you still don't see near enough werewolves, and it still succumbs to all of the Johnathan Rand cliches.

Minnesota Mall Mannequins

Minnesota Mall Mannequins is the worst of the worst. I'm not goona lie to you, but this is going to hurt. It is really going to hurt so much. Seriously. It's that bad. It wasn't bad at first, then they find a classmate that they said moved away a long time ago that nobody knew anything about at the beginning and he really was captured by the alien mannequins that were made when a comet sent "some sort of electricity" through the tower which somehow connected to every mannequin in the Mall of America and made them come to life. Do you get it either? No.

Main Characters

Jessica Harrison and Rachel Owens, whose belivability disappears halfway through the book and who also disappear into a closet-like room halfway through the book, and Josh, who disappears until halfway through the book.

Plot

The book opens with Jessica Harrison describing her life in Bloomington, Minnesota, a suburban city located in the Minneapolis-St. Paul Twin Cities Metropolitain Area. She tells the reader that it is the location of the universally famous Mall of America. Rand says that it is the biggest mall in the world, but there are, like, ten bigger ones in China. But, I'm willing to overlook that grammatical train wreck since this is a children's book, and, it's not like there could be anything worse in this book, right?
For the answer, click on this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4OCojPH-IQ&feature=related

So, Jessica tells us that the mall features an amusement park that is "seven acres big". Of course, we can ignore that metrical train wreck because this is a children's book, and, it's not like there could be anything worse in this book, right?
For the answer, click on this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4OCojPH-IQ&feature=related

So, Jessica describes to the reader that she never gets to go there because her older brother won't drive her. Yeah, because everyone who lives near a world-famous landmark obviously never gets to go. She then informs us that her school is taking a field trip to the Mall. Um.... why? Get this, for her class that IS DEDICATED ENTIRELY TO TEACHING ELEVEN YEAR OLDS HOW TO MANAGE A STORE!!!!!! What kind of universe does this take place in??? What fifth grader in their right mind would want to learn how to manage a store? ANYWHERE???? Or what school would have that as part of their cirriculum? ANYWHERE???? She then introduces her friend, Rachel Owens, who, as she says, loves clothes.

We love clothes, and we decided that someday we would have our own clothing store . . . maybe even our own line of clothes.

It looks as if Johnathan Rand took out the "Big Book of Stereotypes again for this one. Girls..... liking clothes? WHAT A SHOCK!!!!! Besides, I doubt that Rachel and Jessica will still even KNOW each other when they are adults. Then she says:

"Her favorite outfit is jeans with really fancy shirts."

Wait a minute, that's not an outfit. An outfit is a certain shirt with certain pants with certain shoes and/or certain hats. That's like me saying:
"My favorite food is mashed potatoes with some kind of meat."

Right? Well, anyway, so onto the REALLY bad stuff. They actually think that they can pull off one of the most flawed plans and worst ideas in the history of flawed plans and bad ideas. Jessica tells the reader in a giddy, happy tone that she and Rachel are going to SNEAK AWAY FROM THE GROUP TO LOOK AT CLOTHES!!!!!!!! WHAT??!?!?!?!? If anybody here has EVER been on a school field trip, you should know that practically EVERY FIVE FEET teachers do a headcount! Espescially at a huge place! Wait a minute, what's the point of even going to a shopping mall? Espescially one of the biggest shopping malls on Earth? Did they REALLY think that that wasn't a bad idea?  Besides, don't field trips have chaperones, teachers, nametags, headcounts, and mall guards and employees that know that two children shouldn't be wandering around a mall on a weekday? It would be a cinch to get caught! So, they put their plan into action and, get this, a security guard in a blue uniform becomes suspicious and takes them into custody!

WHAT A SHOCK!!!!!

So, the security guard locks them both into a closet-like room and tells them both that they will have to wait until Miss Luchien, the mall manager can "deal with them". This, of course, frightens the world's stupidest protagonists, and they wait until nightfall, when the mall is completely empty. Then they discover an air vent and make their escape right as Miss Luchien and the guard come back. They wind up in Macy's and discover several mannequins coming to life. They finally barricade themselves into an office inside the store and then flee into a clothes rack and where they discover a classmate named Josh huddled inside. What is he doing here? You'll find out now. "Josh, you moved away a month ago!" He knows that. You don't need to remind him. That's right, we never heard ANYTHING about this Josh until now, and they are hurriedly trying to sum up a backstory in conversation. But it isn't working. So, Josh explains that it was actually ALIENS who called the school and told him that Josh is moving. And that's it. Apparently a phone call is all you need to transfer your transcripts and other notices to another school that wasn't even named over the phone! So, Josh asks them without any provocation if they remember when a comet passed over the twin cities a while ago. Well, the reader doesn't. So, he goes on to tell them that the comet sent "some kind of electricity" down an antenna that the aliens constructed prior to the comet's fly-by. What is the comet and what is its signifigance? I don't know, and I never will. But apparently the antenna is connected to every mannequin in the entire mall (that's the only way I can rationalize it) because now they are bent on turning all of the humans in the city into mannequins. How does this help them? I don't know, but either way, humans are goona die. So, the kids fight their way out of the department store and flee through the mall's floors and levels, such as the aquarium, Fish World. Unfortionately, Miss Luchien catches them and brings them down to the mall boilers, where all of the other mannequins have gathered. Miss Luchien orders the mannequins to attach them to the machine that turns them into mannequins. Just in time, they escape, and Miss Luchien gives chase, but orders the mannequins to stay put. They flee through the parking garage and onto the roof where they finally knock over the antenna, smashing it. This apparently causes all of the mannequins to... explode. (?) for some reason. Rachel sets off the fire alarm, where, despite it being in the middle of the night, everyone comes out of the mall. Their plan has worked and they go outside gleefully. The next day at breakfast, they all go over to Rachel's to watch the news coverage. The coverage merely describes the incident as a lightning strike onthe mall. Well, that's great, but how are you going to explain THE EXPLODED MANNEQUINS ALL OVER THE BOILERS?!?!? Oops! But, get this! Rand was too lazy to even think up a reason as to why the mannequins exploded! He just said that there was NO mannequin parts! Apparently, they just magically cleaned themselves up! Well, whatever. Everything is back to normal, and they go back to their lives. Later on, at the lake, they discover a boy from Indiana named Travis, who tells them of an encounter he had with iron insects. This will tie-in the next book, Iron Insects Invade Indiana.  

Things I Learned from This Book

* Schools regularly take field trips to shopping malls
* Nobody would notice if aliens put up a giant tower on top of one of the busiest malls in the world.
* Comets are conductors of electricity
* American Chillers suck
* A phone call is all you need to transfer schools.

* Despite it being in the middle of the night, the mall still has people in it
* Even if kids are missing late until the night from a school field trip the school will make no effort whatsoever to find them.
* Aliens can appear as everyday humans.
* American Chillers still suck.

Girl Stereotype Alert
We love clothes, and we decided that someday we would have our own clothing store . . . maybe even our own line of clothes.
Cross-posted under Unlikely Career Alert

Say What?

It’s in a part of the country where we have lots of lakes, and four very different seasons: spring, summer, fall, and winter.
WHAT MAKES MINNESOTA SO SPECIAL???? DOESN'T THE REST OF THE WORLD HAVE FOUR SEASONS TOO????

Great Prose Alert

“Wait in here,” he ordered us in that creepy voice

of his.

Questionable Teaching
Taking field trips to a shopping mall?

Cross-posted under BEST TEACHER EVER!!!!!

Who Wants Puns?
This book was Muy Mall!

Where Have I Seen This Before Alert

The Million Dollar Question

Can fifth graders take classes that teach how to manage stores and take field trips to one of the biggest shopping malls in the world and somehow managing to keep track of their students? If you answered no, then you've just won a million dollars!

Conclusions

I don't think that you need to read this part, I mean, aliens, mannequins, kidnapped kids? This is one strange brew that I hope never to read ever again. It isn't scary, suspenseful, funny, or interesting. It's NONE OF THE ABOVE! And I know it's a kid's book, but Goosebumps at least were somewhat believable. I mean, Johnathan Rand put all kinds of monsters in one book!

I actually managed to track Johnathan Rand down and asked him some pretty concrete questions, and got a pretty concrete reason as to why he writes these books:

You can see our argument if you click on this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isKAtFdhu7s&feature=related

Dangerous Dolls of Delaware

Well, everyone, it's that time of the month again. Wait a minute, you people are sick! Not THAT time of the month, but the time of the month for a new review! You have to understand that these books are hard to come by in summer and in high school. So, I found a book, Dangerous Dolls of Delaware at Saver's and I whizzed through it. My eyes bled a few times, but that's normal for a Johnathan Rand work. If you have noticed that this article is in italics, let me tell you the reason for it. I noticed in Dangerous Dolls of Delaware that there is at least one italicized sentence on every page. I'll be perfectly honest with you. I was having trouble finding things to say about this book that weren't merely just a bunch of curses and empty threats against the author. I mean, come on, the tagline is: IT ISN'T CHILD'S PLAY!!!!! No, Johnathan Rand. I think it is. The whole book just IS Child's Play with two Chucky's. So, without further ordue, let's dive right into Dangerous Dolls of Delaware.

Main Characters
Serena, whose believability disappears halfway through the book, and Spencer, who disappears into a closet and a bathtub halfway through the novel.


Plot
Serena and Spencer are siblings who live in Camden, Delaware and are digging for worms for fishing because, I don't know, all kids like to fish, I guess, when they strike something that they think is a root. So, they soon discover that is a wooden box that contains two old plaster dolls, a boy and a girl, that are creepy looking. They think that they may be worth something and head home with their neat find when it starts raining. At home, Serena begins to wonder why the dolls were buried. Serena discovers that, wait for it, OMG!!!! The doll winked at her! So, like a rational person, she begins screaming and hurls the doll across the room. Spencer informs her that it is a type of doll that's eyes close and open. Well, who didn't realize that? So, she insists, like a rational person, that the doll's eyes couldn't close and open before, although, since the doll is made of plaster, it would be pretty hard to wink. So, she clearly ignores this and decides to bake for the rest of the day while Spencer fishes. She goes into the living room and, to her shock, discovers the doll gone!
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!! But, don't worry, it's only her cocker spaniel dog, Rufus, who has taken it outside. What, can dogs turn doorknobs? Gee, who would believe that???

Besides, isn't it raining outside?
Here is where I literally screamed with laughter. After spending A WHOLE DAY BAKING AND COOKING, HER MOTHER CALLED AND ASKED THAT THEY EAT A TAKE OUT PIZZA!!!!!! What was she baking???? Invisible roast duck???? After this, Serena tells the reader this:

Those two dolls weren’t ordinary dolls at all.

And if you get spooked easily, you’re probably not going to

want to go any farther. Stop reading. NOW. I mean it.

Because what was about to happen that night still

freaks me out to this very day . . .

You heard me right, folks. THAT was a cliffhanger chapter ending.



If I ever write a biography, this will by MY cliffanger chapter ending:

If only I had followed her warning.
Because now strange things are happening.
I've gone crazy. 
Why?
Because this book sucks so much. 

Well, we can't stop now, so let's keep going. Later that night, Serena puts her dolls on a bookshelf so that Rufus can't get to them. However, she can't sleep because she almost feels as if they are watching her. So she puts the dolls in the closet and discovers a sound coming from her closet! The dolls are telling her that they are coming for her in a cliffhanger chapter ending! She opens the closet in the next cliffhanger chapter ending and she actually continues the sentence onto the next chapter. AND THEN SOMETHING JUMPED OUT AT ME.......... ............SPENCER! WHAT???? NO WAY!!!! BECAUSE IF THERE'S ANYTHING WE KNOW ABOUT JOHNATHAN RAND IT'S THAT HE DOESN'T WAIT UNTIL THE LAST THIRD OF THE BOOK TO ACTUALLY GET THE BALL ROLLING! She then calls her brother a  "screwball" and snarls at him. Who does she think she is? The Wicked Witch of the West?



"I'll get you, my pretty! And your little dolls too!"

Spencer acknowledges this amazing comeback by, as Serena says, looking at her like a  "space alien". Well, you could have made an entire book based on Spencer's encounter with an extraterrestrial being, since she knows what they look like. Is it just me, or is this character's dialogue and conversations with herself really bothering you?but before she can go back to sleep, Serena discovers that the dolls have moved again in a cliffhanger chapter ending. She begins the next chapter with the phrase  "Talk about scared!"" """""""" Have any of you ever used the phrase   "Talk about scared" in conversation? Didn't think so. She begins arguing with herself in italics and begins wondering why the dolls were buried in the first place. She instantly assumes that the dolls are evil, but makes no attempt to get rid of them.
The next day, she has forgotten all about how the dolls moved last night, and goes to the local antiques store to see how much the dolls are worth when the owner begins screaming!!! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG I have to turn the page to see what she was screaming about!!!! Oh, silly me, she was only screaming over a SPIDER!!! WHEN WILL THIS BOOK ACTUALLY INVOLVE THE LIVING DOLLS???? So, the lady tells them that there is a house on the other side of town where a lady collects dolls, who may be able to give them an appraisal.
They arrive at the house, and here comes the dumbest cliffhanger chapter ending EVER.


"Holy cow." Spencer said. At the end of Oak Avenue was the most bizarre-looking house I had ever seen in my entire life. All we could do was stare.


OMG!!!!!! A BIZARRE HOUSE????? SURELY THIS IS THE MOST TERRIFYING THING I HAVE EVER READ!!!! I MUST KEEP READING!


So, they get closer and discover that it looks like a big dollhouse, and they knock on the door, when a GIANT DOLL ANSWERS THE DOOR! At this point, I was sure that this was the direction that Johnathan Rand was taking this book, but at the same time, it could have also been a fake cliffhanger chapter ending, like the last 22. That's right folks, it has been over 22 chapters, and the dolls have not come to life ONCE! So, is it going to be a giant (for some reason) most likely friendly doll who helps them, or is it going to be a fake-out? Your call, bloggers! PLACE YOUR BETS!!!!


However, it is only a person in a doll costume. (?) What a relief. A fake out. I thought that the book would have been as bad as books could possibly get if Rand took that direction. But let's see why she was in the costume, shall we? She reveals that she was wearing a doll costume because she was going to appear in a parade that afternoon and dress up in a doll costume. Okay, where on Earth would you get a DOLL COSTUME????? I mean, I can understand a Jason Voorhees costume, but a doll costume? The lady then tells them that she has over three thousand dolls and has gone as far to model her house as a dollhouse. Okay, that is CREEPY!
Just a bit obsessive.... They then show the dolls to the lady who screams hysterically, shouts for them to get away from the dolls, and instantly calms down and tells them, without any provocation whatsoever, the story of an outcast little girl who was bullied so much, she got two dolls for her birthday, two friends. So, obsessed with her only friends, she began to wish for them to come to life every night. What. One night, they do, I guess, simple as that, and the dolls begin tormenting her instead of the bullies that tormented her. YOU JUST CAN'T WIN! So, the girl buried the dolls and that's that.

Since when did this turn into The Big Tall Wish?


Well, it looks like that there's one less lonely girl.



Johnathan Rand went to all that work creating a backstory for this girl who has nothing whatsoever to do with the plot, and doesn't bother to think of an explanation of why the dolls came to life or turned evil. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?!? The doll hoarder tells them that the dolls become sluggish in water. Wait, how would she possibly know that?
So, the lady tells them to remember her warning and calmly shuts the door. Wait, hasn't anybody remembered the fact that she just fell into a fit of screaming and sends them off with a light warning? So, after this, Serena, ALTHOUGH SHE ALREADY THOUGHT THAT THE DOLLS WERE ALIVE, SHE ACTUALLY KEEPS THE DOLLS!!!! Serena is officially the dumbest person I have ever heard of.


Okay, maybe not as dumb as Brittney Spears, but she's still pretty dumb.
They arrive back home and Serena tells the audience in italics that the night would become much more horrifying. Oh, Serena, it's already VERY horrifying. So Serena and Spencer go upstairs to go to sleep, when, get this, THE DOLLS FINALLY COME TO LIFE!!!!!!! FINALLY!!! AT CHAPTER 30 THEY FINALLY COME TO LIFE!!!! So the girl doll watches them from the attic window, having somehow gotten up to the attic without being seen, wait a minute, come on! How could a doll get to the ceiling to pull down the attic stairs? And even if that wasn't the case, how could it have reached a doorknob? So, Serena and Spencer decide to trap it in the attic. Armed with a blanket and a pail of water, Spencer and Serena go up to the attic to splash the dolls and subdue them in the blanket. Really? That's their master plan? Well, okay. The two dolls proceed to grow GIANT, and, wait for it.... ACTUALLY BEGIN TO FLY!!!!!
Dangerous Dolls of Delaware? More like Flying, Giant, Dangerous Dolls of Delaware. Serena is attacked by one of the dolls:



but Spencer splashes the doll, only to be attacked by the other doll.



Out of water, Serena decides to lure the dolls into the downstairs bathroom, where she throws the dolls into the tub, however, they tell them their plan to, I don't know, either eat them or turn them into dolls or something and drag Spencer into the tub with them. However, just as planned, the dolls get very sluggish and vulnerable, and they are captured where our heroes finally get both dolls inside the box and proceed to bury them. The next night, Spencer is scared out of his wits when a doll comes into his room. However, it was only Serena, who was getting him back for what happened. Ha ha.


If there's one thing I've learned from this book, it's that it is hard to narrate a prank you are doing as if somebody else is doing it. I mean, she told the story like this:

And then the person snuck into his room and pounced on him. How did I know? Because.....

Next Chapter

..... IT WAS ME!!!!
WHAT?? No way!!!! 

Serena and Spencer are grounded and are forced to stay inside because of the mess they made when they were chasing the dolls. Yeah, the house got totally trashed and they can't go outside again until they clean up.

Next Johnathan Rand Book Tie-In Alert
Serena hears that she got an E-Mail and goes in to check it. Yeah, some grounding if you get to use your computer. It turns out that it is from her friend, Mike in Vermont. Yeah, because everybody in Vermont knows people in Delaware. Mike informs her of an urgent story that he must tell her, which he will tell her in his next E-Mail. Wait, why didn't he just tell her there? So, the next E-Mail ties in the next book, Virtual Vampires of Vermont. Yes, just when I think I couldn't have read anything more implausable, just when I was about to slap the "THIS BOOK IS THE MOST IMPROBABLE THING TO EVER BE WRITTEN" sticker on it, this book actually shows you that it isn't the worst. How does a virtual vampire bite you? OOH, HE JUST GAVE ME A COMPUTER VIRUS!!! CURSES!!!!!!!

Johnathan Rand shows that he is down with the kids
Fishing, doll collecting, worms, italics.

Questionable Parenting Alert
Serena's parents ACTUALLY let them go fishing alone, to the house of some creepy doll hoarder and let them keep creepy things that they dug up in the forest. And when Serena is grounded she gets to use the computer! These parents are morons!

Things I Learned from this Book
* It is extremely hard to illustrate a prank you are doing as if somebody else is without giving away who the prankster is until the next chapter.
* Dolls can go up flights of stairs, open a door and arrive in the attic where they are somehow tall enough to reach the window.
* American Chillers suck.
* Dogs can open doorknobs and go outside.
* Dolls can fly.
* Dolls can become giant.
* Dolls can come to life just by kids wishing for it, I guess..... we really don't know their story.... though the story is about them...... but they waited until thirty chapters into the book to even tell us that far.
* Johnathan Rand actually went to the trouble of making a backstory to a bullied little girl that had absolutely nothing to do with the central plot, and he didn't even bother to make an explanation as to why the dolls came to life.
* Kids, despite being warned about evil dolls by a doll hoarder, and despite thinking that the dolls were already supernatural in the first place, will keep the dolls.
* Doll hoarders can scream hysterically and a few minutes later will calmly warn them.
* Doll costumes exist.
* Doll costumes are worn in parades.
* People wear doll costumes around the house.
* You can cook for an entire afternoon, get tired of cooking, and get a pizza.
* You can't fish with dolls.
* It (whatever that is) ISN'T CHILD'S PLAY!!!! (I think it is. This whole book was just a rip off of Child's Play and it's sequels, except that it had two Chucky's.
* There is nothing that kids love to do more than cooking, baking, and fishing.
* Collecting thousands of dolls is perfectly normal.
* A person can only take so much.
* There can be more than five sentences or two paragraphs per page that are written in italics.
* American Chillers still suck.

Record-Breaking alert
Holy crap, Johnathan Rand broke a ton of records in this book. For one, Johnathan Rand had an average of five sentences every page which were italicized. That being said, this book has more italics in it than any other Chillers book I have ever read. Secondly, the main character talks to herself more than a mental patient that has been committed for thirty-two years in seclusion or Coraline from the book Coraline. And that is saying something. This is, in fact, the reason everything is in italics. When someone talks to themselves, it is in italics. And I broke the first ever record on the blog by doing an ENTIRE article in italics! Well, after all, pretty much the entire book was done in italics, so Johnathan Rand outdid me. And I also broke a couple other records. For one, I have more pictures on this review than on any other. This is also the longest review on the blog!
Can I get a WOO-WOO!!!

Say What?
The only thing "Dangerous" about Dangerous Dolls of Delaware is the book itself!

No @#%^ alert
There is lots of things to do in Delaware. For instance, you can go to the beach at Delaware Bay, but only in the Summer. It would be much too cold in the winter! No @#%^!!!!

WELL, THAT EXPLAINS WHY I WAS IN INTENSIVE CARE LAST WINTER!

Great Prose Alert
Too bad I can't fish with dolls.

Cliffhanger Chapter Ending Alert
Standing in the doorway...... was a giant doll.  

Where have I seen this before alert

and

meets


The Million Dollar Question
Can dolls fly and turn giant in any book except one written by Johnathan Rand? If you answered no, then you've just won a million dollars!

Conclusions
This book was an epic facepalm. Words cannot describe how much this book sucks. I don't really even think that you need to read this section, but you HAVE to click on this link to see what I thought:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hfYJsQAhl0
What's so scary about dolls anyway? After all,


THEY ARE CHILDREN'S PLAYTHINGS!

Sinister Spiders of Saginaw

Sinister Spiders of Saginaw

I won't lie to you. I thought (for some reason) by looking at the cover that this book would be different. Now, at the time I read this book originally I had been reading Johnathan Rand's work for almost two years. I knew very well that he was no Shakespeare, but hey, he's a children's author. It wasn't until after reading this book that I noticed the ridiculous tagline: Get ready for a BAD case of the creepy crawlies! Wait a minute, BAD, like this book? Can you even get a case of the creepy crawlies? Is "the creepy crawlies" a medical diagnosis? Would it be called "creepy crawlies syndrome"? Or is he describing a term used to describe a pest invasion? If so, wouldn't it have to be called something different? A case of the creepy crawlies. I mean, I've heard of a case of the willies, but that's also a medical diagnosis. I think he's talking about a pest invasion. But I don't think exterminators use the word "case" to describe their pests. You know what? I am over-thinking this. But it doesn't make any sense.

But then again, what do you expect from Michigan Chillers?

Anyway! On with the review!

Main Characters
Leah, whose believability disappears halfway through the novel -- er, forget it, she was never a believable character, and her friends Angela and Connor, who all disappear into spider coccoons a quarter of the way through the novel.

Plot
Leah Warner, our eleven year-old (!) hero, starts off this book by describing herself checking her math homework at five in the morning when everyone else is asleep. She frantically swats at a spider, because she is afraid of spiders. Well, Leah, have I got a treat for you. Her dad comes downstairs to go to work and Leah watches him leave in his truck, as the exhaust becomes visible in the very cold, morning air. In most Johnathan Rand books, the author lets his potential shine through the ludicrous plot by excellently describing a scene or two the way most people would view that scene. Unfortionately, that's about as good as it gets. After school, she finds giant spiders, who capture her. She awakes in a spider coccoon, and is startled to see it being cut open!!!! Those two things that I just told you about were two misleading chapter cliffhanger endings. Don't worry, it's just Connor, cutting open the coccoon with his pocket knife. What. So, they find that they are under the city in the sewers, and find that there are other coccoons. They think up a brilliant plan to escape before the spiders return and are suddenly cornered by one! It tells them "Don't be afraid." But they do not listen and begin to panic. The spider then turns into a human. And they don't know who it is at first, but don't worry, It can only be Jared!


That's right! It was only Jarred from school! What. This was the part of the book where I literally wanted to light this book on fire. But it gets worse. Jarred is actually an ALIEN who came to Earth after the other "evil" spiders on their planet suddenly decided to kill the good spiders. What. But it gets worse. Jarred then explains that he is able to turn into a human (somehow) and then tells them that they came to Earth as refugees to avoid the spiders, and lived a peaceful life away from the mean spiders when they enrolled into the town of Saginaw, Michigan's public school system. But it gets worse. Jarred then explains that the alien spiders (somehow) tracked them down and have made a hideout in the city sewers with plans to turn Saginaw's residents into spiders by putting spider eggs in the water supply. What. How did the spiders know where to put the eggs? They could have put the eggs into sewage water that was going to be pumped off to be boiled, strained, and cleaned. And how did they track them down anyway? And why did they target Saginaw, anyway? The city isn't like Tokyo or L.A, where the majority of the world rests on its residents staying human. But then again, this is a children's book, and speaking logically is a No-No. Who is Jarred? Everyone knows who he is except for the reader! Was Johnathan Rand serious about writing this book? Why do kids find this scary? Why am I asking you all these questions? Jarred turns back into a person and takes them to the surface, where he takes them to the home of their science teacher, who is also a spider. However, he is being attacked by spiders! They save their teacher and rush back to the new waterworks building, where they are caught by a security guard! And I won't lie when I say that this was a pretty suspenseful part. They escape from the adult's (who is just doing his job) clutches and narrowly manage to catch the spiders in the act. They foil their dastardly plan. I don't know about you, but I was expecting the spiders to say this....
And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids!
I don't know about you, but I'm still laughing at the part where they find their classmate as a spider.

But The Twist Is....
Leah, who, let me remind you, hates spiders discovers that she is a spider. WHAT? It's like me not knowing I was Chinese, when I thought my whole life that I was Hispanic.  A lame attempt at an R.L. Stine type twist, only R.L. Stine actually makes sense. In My Best Friend is Invisible, Stine wrote about an invisible person who was revealed to be a monster, and it is revealed that all of the main characters were the monsters, and the "monster" is actually a human. Stine never said that they were humans when they were aliens, but in this one, she says she hates spiders, when she is one. That's like me saying 'I Hate HUMANS!!!'

Things I learned from this book
Eleven year olds carry pocket knives
Michigan Chillers suck.
Alien spiders can shapeshift into humans.
Shapeshifting alien spiders who can shapeshift into humans must flee their home planet and wind up enrolling into our public school system.
Spider eggs can turn people into spiders.
Alien Spiders can still live in the United States without a birth cirtificate, place of employment, social security number, or resume.
I should have thrown this book in the garbage, threw that garbage in the garbage, thrown that garbage in a dumpster, thrown that dumpster's contents into a trash compactor, emptied that trash compactor into a paper shredder, lit the paper shredder on fire, shot it multiple times with a .30 caliber high powered sniper rifle, blown it up with 28 pounds of C4 plastic explosive, then fed that to a group of paper shredder eating sharks, and then fed those sharks to a group of shark eating piranhas. But I didn't. And it keeps me up at night.
Michigan Chillers still suck.
Shapeshifting spider aliens hate spiders.
Shapeshifting spider aliens can live their entire lives (eleven years) not knowing they are spiders.

Great Prose Alert
We were going to have a quiz today. Ug.

Questionable Parenting
Seriously? Not telling your child that they are a spider?

Questionable Spidering
The spiders attempt to put eggs or something like that into the city water supply so they can turn the entire population of Saginaw into spiders (somehow)

Say What?
Alien spider refugees wind up enrolling into our public school system. Talk about 'illegal aliens'!!!!!

Cliffhanger Chapter Ending Alert
"Don't be afraid." The spider said.

Where Have I Seen This Before Alert

It was all in Eight Legged Freaks, well, except for the whole part about the humans turning into spiders, which basically filled up the entire back half and ending of the book.

You try and find a movie with a similar plot to Sinister Spiders of Saginaw.


Didn't think so.

The Million Dollar Question
Can spiders from another planet shapeshift into----
Oh, forget that. Did this book SUCK?
If you answered no, you didn't win a million dollars!

Conclusions
This is one of the worst books I have ever read. 'Nuff said. I can't believe you even felt you needed to read this section to figure out MY reaction, when I'm pretty sure you know what it will be. This was an awful book. But then again, I'm a teenager, and kids find it scary. For some reason..... BUT, at least in some parts it was kind of fun to read, and by that I mean that some parts were genuinely ferociously suspenseful, like when they try to save the town. But most of the book was just a...

Dinosaurs Destroy Detroit

A t-rex's arms are like, two feet long, and, just for the record, cannot lift multiple ton Hummers.

Well, here we are, tackling another Michigan Chillers book. I have no idea what the point of Michigan Chillers is. Why would someone have most of their books take place in their home state?

Dinosaurs Destroy Detroit is Rand's favorite book, and I can see why. It is an excellent book, despite being filled with plot holes and historical inaccuracies. But, hey, it's a children's book. It is a much better book than I thought it was going to be, and it remains in my top ten, despite my not liking much of the books. Rand is an excellent writer, but he just needs to ditch the "scary" plots and write about realistic fiction. So, buckle up, here we go.

Main Characters

Nick, whose good judgement disappears one quarter of the way through the novel, and his friend Summer, who both disappear into a time portal one quarter of the way through the novel.

Plot

Nick opens this book by telling the reader that his possibly senile grandfather once told him that there is a time portal, outside the city of Detroit, that opens up, for some reason, only opens once, every fifty years on June 28th at exactly 3:05 in the afternoon. Nick, did you ever think that maybe Grandpa has gone nuts? Well, he wakes up to the sound of his dad mowing, and makes a good observation:

But I suddenly remembered something:

today was Monday.

Not just any Monday.

So, without any questioning whatsoever, Nick drags his friend Summer along into this portal and cleverly notices several dinosaurs, such as Quetzalcoatlus, Utahraptor, Triceratops, and Tyrannosaurus Rex. He takes tons of pictures, but just in case the photos don't turn out, he, wait for it, STEALS A DINOSAUR EGG AND NARROWLY ESCAPES WITH IT INTO THE FUTURE!!!!!!!!! It's official, this kid is a moron. So, after running into a cave to be cornered, he takes the T-Rex egg back into the future and sets it in his room instead of taking it to a museum or science lab. Well, long story short, the egg winds up hatching, and Nick wakes up to find that the baby dinosaur CHEWS A HOLE THROUGH THE WALL that he covers up with a checkers board.

How could his Mother not notice that from the outside, again? The baby T-Rex escapes and begins "terrorizing the neighborhood". Nick and Summer stay up all night and chase the dinosaur through the neighborhood, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't think this was a cool sequence. The hungry dino starts digging through people's garbage cans and eating the contents, and Nick has to follow the trail of destruction to stop the beast from causing any more trouble and possibly hurting civilians  He runs into some trouble, though, like he manages to capture the dinosaur after it falls asleep by placing a tarp over it, but the local dogcatcher, Mr. Mulroney, goes towards it, believing it to be a sleeping dog. Nick knows that the dinosaur must be returned to the past to prevent dire consequences in the future. He doesn't explain his reasoning that well but I know what he meant because of that scene in Jurassic Park III. So, Nick goes to the local burger joint, and despite T-Rex's having eyesight based on movement, the t-rex eats the inanimate sandwiches instead of his arm, and Nick is able to subdue it at three in the morning with a burlap sack. And all the while, nobody noticed this!!!!!!! So, Nick literally wakes up to find a dinosaur in his backyard. Thankfully, his laptop webcam was on and he was kind enough to share this one-of-a-kind footage with the world.

You can find it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7tqVEdyteg&feature=relmfu

That's right. The PARENTS of the dinosaur (despite the fact that Tyrannosaurs would eat their own children if need be and there is no evidence to suggest they were parents) have actually come through the portal into the future to retrieve their child. Nick and his mother watch the news, and his mother does not seem to care very much, making breakfast while watching the dinosaurs destroy the city, although the National Guard would only need two assault rifles to stop the carnage, but they make no effort to stop the monsters, and they continue to destroy the city. The television announcer suspends his disbelief and makes a brilliant observation that nobody could have noticed, saying that they are "obviously" looking for something.

And you deduced this how?

Anyway, a police officer used his dash camera to film the dinosaur attacking the city, and has graciously agreed to share this one-of-a-kind footage with the world.

You can find it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVIS31ghLNQ&feature=watch_response

So, wait for it, Nick DRIVES THROUGH THE DRIVE-THRU ON HIS BIKE, WHICH IS STILL OPEN FOR SOME REASON, AND BEGS THE ATTENDANT TO MAKE 27 BURGERS DESPITE THEM STILL SERVING BREAKFAST. She makes them and gives them to him, and Nick saves the day by luring the baby dinosaur into the time portal with the burgers, allowing the parents to follow, and just in time, the portal closes, and the day is saved. I wonder what happened to Nick's wall.....

Things I Learned from This Book

* If there is a massive attack from two easily shootable dinosaurs, it is good to know that the authorities will do nothing whatsoever to stop them.

* When authorities do nothing to stop the attack, the fate of the city of Detroit is in the hands of an eleven year old. God save us all.

* The citizens of Detroit really don't care if the city is destroyed. I guess it really is true, not even the citizens of Detroit care if Detroit is destroyed. It really IS that bad. I mean, come on! Nick's Mother wasn't even shaken by the dinosaur attack, and neither were the patrons at Burger World, who were casually watching the news as if the No Child Left Behind Act was being passed, rather than coverage of chaos in the city.

* Michigan Chillers suck.

* Dinosaurs are capable of viciously pummeling the first four floors of a skyscraper.
* Dinosaurs can lift cars.
* Dinosaurs can somehow light buildings on fire. Don't ask how, it's never explained.
* Dinosaurs can chomp on concrete like candy (?)
* Dinosaurs can cause skyscrapers to collapse (?)
* Dust from a skyscraper verniage collapse is "fog"

* Time portals have VERY specific rules of opening and closing, and you must go in at the exact time after 50 years have passed.

* Two dinosaurs that overall did minor damage to a city that already was a hellhole is "the worst panic anybody in Detroit had never before known". Yeah, worse than gangland.

* It helps your credibility of receiving burgers during the breakfast menu if you ride into the drive thru on your bike.
* A baby T-Rex will be stupid enough to try and jump through a drive-thru window but get stuck. Why?
* Burger World has some damn good deals. Apparently you can buy 27 cheeseburgers for only twenty bucks.

* Parents use the phrase "madder than a wet hen"

* Burger restaurants are still open when there is dinosaurs attacking the city.

* Drive Thru workers still are difficult and fail to acknowledge dinosaurs attacking the city, and instead, devote their concentration on refusing to give you burgers when they are serving breakfast. If anything, you should be focused on the dinosaurs than some whiny kid trying to get some lunch.

* If you somehow do manage to get burgers, order 20 of them to clearly frustrate the worker.

* Michigan Chillers still suck

I Don't Even Know What to Call This Ridiculous Conversation Alert

“What if we get lost?” she asked. “What then?”

She had a point. We couldn’t wander too far from the window, or we might not be able to find our way back to it. Then, we’d never make it back through time. Dad would ground me for a month.

Wait a minute, I thought. If we never made it back, how could Dad ground me? Either way, it wasn’t a pleasant thought.

Great Observation Alert

"It was a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

I knew right then we were in deep trouble."

Give the boy a prize!!!!

Captain Obvious Alert

And I knew that a Tyrannosaurus Rex, when hungry, would eat anything.

Even horses.

Gee, ya really think so?

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending Alert

I don't feel like typing out the dialogue, so let me sum this one up.

Okay, so Nick turns on the television and sees footage of the dinosaurs destroying the city. Like an idiot, he jumps to the conclusion that the dinosaurs have somehow returned despite the fact that the portal closed already. Since there are literally FOUR PAGES left of this book, I highly doubt that is the case. He calls Summer, waking her up, and orders her to turn on the television. She appropriately tells him not to be a moron because they're just playing the footage from yesterday. Nick hangs up, feeling like an idiot.

Well, of course.

Odd Comparison Alert

"And I didn't care to wake him up, either. He might get angry. When I wake my older sister up in the morning, she's like a monster. Teeth and everything."

This was written, people.

Failed Suspense

"Impossible. I thought. Seven hours to save the entire city of Detroit. There was no time to lose."

If only there was something to actually save. Nick, you can take your time. The city already IS destroyed, so the dinosaurs will have a pretty difficult time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g09GtnWdBjc

Say What?

Not even the citizens of Detroit really care if Detroit is destroyed.

Kids say the darndest things alert

"Mom said Mr. Mulroney was madder than a wet hen when he'd received the phone call saying that the dog had ripped through everyone's garbage"

Great Prose Alert

Ideas zipped through my head like race cars.

Questionable Grandparenting

Grandpa tells his grandson that a window through prehistoric time would open up at some exact time for some reason, and leads him to be attacked by Tyrannosaurs and Utahraptors. But here's the good part, he doesn't even know where it leads. They could be trapped in some unknown time period forever, or Grandpa could just be senile.

Questionable Childing

Without any questioning whatsoever, Nick drags his friend Summer along into a time warp that could lead to any time period, and they take a dinosaur egg into the future. How stupid.

Great Idea Alert

When Nick is being chased by a Tyrannosaurus Rex, he yells to Summer, "I see a cave over there!" What would he say next? Quick, in there so we can be cornered? I'd say, let's get to the time portal so we can get the heck out of here!!!!!

Where Have I seen this before alert

It was all in The Lost World: Jurassic Park. I just now realized that! I kid you not! Hey, wait a minute, wasn't a character in this movie also named Nick? I am on a ROLL!!!!! But, Johnathan Rand, that's okay. You still made your story different and entertaining enough for everybody.

The Million Dollar Question

Are burger restaurants still serving food when two prehistoric monsters are destroying Detroit? And if so, will they argue about serving lunch food during breakfast? If you answered yes, you've just won a million dollars!

Conclusions

A bit of plagiarism has gotten Johnathan Rand a well written and entertaining book. If you don't mind historical inaccuracies and plot holes, this is a book for you. I'm not even kidding when I say that this is actually probably the best Chillers book besides Iron Insects Invade Indiana. Rand does a pretty decent job creating suspense with more conventional tactics, like having Nick worry about if a truck driver will spot the dinosaur. Needless to say, that's a hell of a lot better of a cliffhanger chapter ending than Rand's favorite: "If you get scared easily, put this book down, because what was about to happen would scare the living daylights out of anyone." Don't you just love it when authors remind you of how scary their book is supposed to be rather than building actual suspense?

Anyway, Johnathan Rand says this is his favorite Chillers book, and I can actually see why. As I said, this book does a fine job at building practical suspense based on realistic scenarios (with, of course, the exception of that lame-ass dream sequence!) and I enjoyed this book immensely. Even though it's still a Chiller's book and succumbs to the usual cliches, it still has enough originality in it to keep it above water. I would recommend this one because it's of surprising quality for these normally God-awful books. This book alone is proof that Johnathan Rand does have the talent necessary to create an above-average book, so I hope to see more of these ones.

I think I'm going to watch The Lost World: Jurassic Park today.