Sinister Spiders of Saginaw

Sinister Spiders of Saginaw

I won't lie to you. I thought (for some reason) by looking at the cover that this book would be different. Now, at the time I read this book originally I had been reading Johnathan Rand's work for almost two years. I knew very well that he was no Shakespeare, but hey, he's a children's author. It wasn't until after reading this book that I noticed the ridiculous tagline: Get ready for a BAD case of the creepy crawlies! Wait a minute, BAD, like this book? Can you even get a case of the creepy crawlies? Is "the creepy crawlies" a medical diagnosis? Would it be called "creepy crawlies syndrome"? Or is he describing a term used to describe a pest invasion? If so, wouldn't it have to be called something different? A case of the creepy crawlies. I mean, I've heard of a case of the willies, but that's also a medical diagnosis. I think he's talking about a pest invasion. But I don't think exterminators use the word "case" to describe their pests. You know what? I am over-thinking this. But it doesn't make any sense.

But then again, what do you expect from Michigan Chillers?

Anyway! On with the review!

Main Characters
Leah, whose believability disappears halfway through the novel -- er, forget it, she was never a believable character, and her friends Angela and Connor, who all disappear into spider coccoons a quarter of the way through the novel.

Plot
Leah Warner, our eleven year-old (!) hero, starts off this book by describing herself checking her math homework at five in the morning when everyone else is asleep. She frantically swats at a spider, because she is afraid of spiders. Well, Leah, have I got a treat for you. Her dad comes downstairs to go to work and Leah watches him leave in his truck, as the exhaust becomes visible in the very cold, morning air. In most Johnathan Rand books, the author lets his potential shine through the ludicrous plot by excellently describing a scene or two the way most people would view that scene. Unfortionately, that's about as good as it gets. After school, she finds giant spiders, who capture her. She awakes in a spider coccoon, and is startled to see it being cut open!!!! Those two things that I just told you about were two misleading chapter cliffhanger endings. Don't worry, it's just Connor, cutting open the coccoon with his pocket knife. What. So, they find that they are under the city in the sewers, and find that there are other coccoons. They think up a brilliant plan to escape before the spiders return and are suddenly cornered by one! It tells them "Don't be afraid." But they do not listen and begin to panic. The spider then turns into a human. And they don't know who it is at first, but don't worry, It can only be Jared!


That's right! It was only Jarred from school! What. This was the part of the book where I literally wanted to light this book on fire. But it gets worse. Jarred is actually an ALIEN who came to Earth after the other "evil" spiders on their planet suddenly decided to kill the good spiders. What. But it gets worse. Jarred then explains that he is able to turn into a human (somehow) and then tells them that they came to Earth as refugees to avoid the spiders, and lived a peaceful life away from the mean spiders when they enrolled into the town of Saginaw, Michigan's public school system. But it gets worse. Jarred then explains that the alien spiders (somehow) tracked them down and have made a hideout in the city sewers with plans to turn Saginaw's residents into spiders by putting spider eggs in the water supply. What. How did the spiders know where to put the eggs? They could have put the eggs into sewage water that was going to be pumped off to be boiled, strained, and cleaned. And how did they track them down anyway? And why did they target Saginaw, anyway? The city isn't like Tokyo or L.A, where the majority of the world rests on its residents staying human. But then again, this is a children's book, and speaking logically is a No-No. Who is Jarred? Everyone knows who he is except for the reader! Was Johnathan Rand serious about writing this book? Why do kids find this scary? Why am I asking you all these questions? Jarred turns back into a person and takes them to the surface, where he takes them to the home of their science teacher, who is also a spider. However, he is being attacked by spiders! They save their teacher and rush back to the new waterworks building, where they are caught by a security guard! And I won't lie when I say that this was a pretty suspenseful part. They escape from the adult's (who is just doing his job) clutches and narrowly manage to catch the spiders in the act. They foil their dastardly plan. I don't know about you, but I was expecting the spiders to say this....
And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids!
I don't know about you, but I'm still laughing at the part where they find their classmate as a spider.

But The Twist Is....
Leah, who, let me remind you, hates spiders discovers that she is a spider. WHAT? It's like me not knowing I was Chinese, when I thought my whole life that I was Hispanic.  A lame attempt at an R.L. Stine type twist, only R.L. Stine actually makes sense. In My Best Friend is Invisible, Stine wrote about an invisible person who was revealed to be a monster, and it is revealed that all of the main characters were the monsters, and the "monster" is actually a human. Stine never said that they were humans when they were aliens, but in this one, she says she hates spiders, when she is one. That's like me saying 'I Hate HUMANS!!!'

Things I learned from this book
Eleven year olds carry pocket knives
Michigan Chillers suck.
Alien spiders can shapeshift into humans.
Shapeshifting alien spiders who can shapeshift into humans must flee their home planet and wind up enrolling into our public school system.
Spider eggs can turn people into spiders.
Alien Spiders can still live in the United States without a birth cirtificate, place of employment, social security number, or resume.
I should have thrown this book in the garbage, threw that garbage in the garbage, thrown that garbage in a dumpster, thrown that dumpster's contents into a trash compactor, emptied that trash compactor into a paper shredder, lit the paper shredder on fire, shot it multiple times with a .30 caliber high powered sniper rifle, blown it up with 28 pounds of C4 plastic explosive, then fed that to a group of paper shredder eating sharks, and then fed those sharks to a group of shark eating piranhas. But I didn't. And it keeps me up at night.
Michigan Chillers still suck.
Shapeshifting spider aliens hate spiders.
Shapeshifting spider aliens can live their entire lives (eleven years) not knowing they are spiders.

Great Prose Alert
We were going to have a quiz today. Ug.

Questionable Parenting
Seriously? Not telling your child that they are a spider?

Questionable Spidering
The spiders attempt to put eggs or something like that into the city water supply so they can turn the entire population of Saginaw into spiders (somehow)

Say What?
Alien spider refugees wind up enrolling into our public school system. Talk about 'illegal aliens'!!!!!

Cliffhanger Chapter Ending Alert
"Don't be afraid." The spider said.

Where Have I Seen This Before Alert

It was all in Eight Legged Freaks, well, except for the whole part about the humans turning into spiders, which basically filled up the entire back half and ending of the book.

You try and find a movie with a similar plot to Sinister Spiders of Saginaw.


Didn't think so.

The Million Dollar Question
Can spiders from another planet shapeshift into----
Oh, forget that. Did this book SUCK?
If you answered no, you didn't win a million dollars!

Conclusions
This is one of the worst books I have ever read. 'Nuff said. I can't believe you even felt you needed to read this section to figure out MY reaction, when I'm pretty sure you know what it will be. This was an awful book. But then again, I'm a teenager, and kids find it scary. For some reason..... BUT, at least in some parts it was kind of fun to read, and by that I mean that some parts were genuinely ferociously suspenseful, like when they try to save the town. But most of the book was just a...