Sinister Spiders of Saginaw

Sinister Spiders of Saginaw

I won't lie to you. I thought (for some reason) by looking at the cover that this book would be different. Now, at the time I read this book originally I had been reading Johnathan Rand's work for almost two years. I knew very well that he was no Shakespeare, but hey, he's a children's author. It wasn't until after reading this book that I noticed the ridiculous tagline: Get ready for a BAD case of the creepy crawlies! Wait a minute, BAD, like this book? Can you even get a case of the creepy crawlies? Is "the creepy crawlies" a medical diagnosis? Would it be called "creepy crawlies syndrome"? Or is he describing a term used to describe a pest invasion? If so, wouldn't it have to be called something different? A case of the creepy crawlies. I mean, I've heard of a case of the willies, but that's also a medical diagnosis. I think he's talking about a pest invasion. But I don't think exterminators use the word "case" to describe their pests. You know what? I am over-thinking this. But it doesn't make any sense.

But then again, what do you expect from Michigan Chillers?

Anyway! On with the review!

Main Characters
Leah, whose believability disappears halfway through the novel -- er, forget it, she was never a believable character, and her friends Angela and Connor, who all disappear into spider coccoons a quarter of the way through the novel.

Plot
Leah Warner, our eleven year-old (!) hero, starts off this book by describing herself checking her math homework at five in the morning when everyone else is asleep. She frantically swats at a spider, because she is afraid of spiders. Well, Leah, have I got a treat for you. Her dad comes downstairs to go to work and Leah watches him leave in his truck, as the exhaust becomes visible in the very cold, morning air. In most Johnathan Rand books, the author lets his potential shine through the ludicrous plot by excellently describing a scene or two the way most people would view that scene. Unfortionately, that's about as good as it gets. After school, she finds giant spiders, who capture her. She awakes in a spider coccoon, and is startled to see it being cut open!!!! Those two things that I just told you about were two misleading chapter cliffhanger endings. Don't worry, it's just Connor, cutting open the coccoon with his pocket knife. What. So, they find that they are under the city in the sewers, and find that there are other coccoons. They think up a brilliant plan to escape before the spiders return and are suddenly cornered by one! It tells them "Don't be afraid." But they do not listen and begin to panic. The spider then turns into a human. And they don't know who it is at first, but don't worry, It can only be Jared!


That's right! It was only Jarred from school! What. This was the part of the book where I literally wanted to light this book on fire. But it gets worse. Jarred is actually an ALIEN who came to Earth after the other "evil" spiders on their planet suddenly decided to kill the good spiders. What. But it gets worse. Jarred then explains that he is able to turn into a human (somehow) and then tells them that they came to Earth as refugees to avoid the spiders, and lived a peaceful life away from the mean spiders when they enrolled into the town of Saginaw, Michigan's public school system. But it gets worse. Jarred then explains that the alien spiders (somehow) tracked them down and have made a hideout in the city sewers with plans to turn Saginaw's residents into spiders by putting spider eggs in the water supply. What. How did the spiders know where to put the eggs? They could have put the eggs into sewage water that was going to be pumped off to be boiled, strained, and cleaned. And how did they track them down anyway? And why did they target Saginaw, anyway? The city isn't like Tokyo or L.A, where the majority of the world rests on its residents staying human. But then again, this is a children's book, and speaking logically is a No-No. Who is Jarred? Everyone knows who he is except for the reader! Was Johnathan Rand serious about writing this book? Why do kids find this scary? Why am I asking you all these questions? Jarred turns back into a person and takes them to the surface, where he takes them to the home of their science teacher, who is also a spider. However, he is being attacked by spiders! They save their teacher and rush back to the new waterworks building, where they are caught by a security guard! And I won't lie when I say that this was a pretty suspenseful part. They escape from the adult's (who is just doing his job) clutches and narrowly manage to catch the spiders in the act. They foil their dastardly plan. I don't know about you, but I was expecting the spiders to say this....
And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids!
I don't know about you, but I'm still laughing at the part where they find their classmate as a spider.

But The Twist Is....
Leah, who, let me remind you, hates spiders discovers that she is a spider. WHAT? It's like me not knowing I was Chinese, when I thought my whole life that I was Hispanic.  A lame attempt at an R.L. Stine type twist, only R.L. Stine actually makes sense. In My Best Friend is Invisible, Stine wrote about an invisible person who was revealed to be a monster, and it is revealed that all of the main characters were the monsters, and the "monster" is actually a human. Stine never said that they were humans when they were aliens, but in this one, she says she hates spiders, when she is one. That's like me saying 'I Hate HUMANS!!!'

Things I learned from this book
Eleven year olds carry pocket knives
Michigan Chillers suck.
Alien spiders can shapeshift into humans.
Shapeshifting alien spiders who can shapeshift into humans must flee their home planet and wind up enrolling into our public school system.
Spider eggs can turn people into spiders.
Alien Spiders can still live in the United States without a birth cirtificate, place of employment, social security number, or resume.
I should have thrown this book in the garbage, threw that garbage in the garbage, thrown that garbage in a dumpster, thrown that dumpster's contents into a trash compactor, emptied that trash compactor into a paper shredder, lit the paper shredder on fire, shot it multiple times with a .30 caliber high powered sniper rifle, blown it up with 28 pounds of C4 plastic explosive, then fed that to a group of paper shredder eating sharks, and then fed those sharks to a group of shark eating piranhas. But I didn't. And it keeps me up at night.
Michigan Chillers still suck.
Shapeshifting spider aliens hate spiders.
Shapeshifting spider aliens can live their entire lives (eleven years) not knowing they are spiders.

Great Prose Alert
We were going to have a quiz today. Ug.

Questionable Parenting
Seriously? Not telling your child that they are a spider?

Questionable Spidering
The spiders attempt to put eggs or something like that into the city water supply so they can turn the entire population of Saginaw into spiders (somehow)

Say What?
Alien spider refugees wind up enrolling into our public school system. Talk about 'illegal aliens'!!!!!

Cliffhanger Chapter Ending Alert
"Don't be afraid." The spider said.

Where Have I Seen This Before Alert

It was all in Eight Legged Freaks, well, except for the whole part about the humans turning into spiders, which basically filled up the entire back half and ending of the book.

You try and find a movie with a similar plot to Sinister Spiders of Saginaw.


Didn't think so.

The Million Dollar Question
Can spiders from another planet shapeshift into----
Oh, forget that. Did this book SUCK?
If you answered no, you didn't win a million dollars!

Conclusions
This is one of the worst books I have ever read. 'Nuff said. I can't believe you even felt you needed to read this section to figure out MY reaction, when I'm pretty sure you know what it will be. This was an awful book. But then again, I'm a teenager, and kids find it scary. For some reason..... BUT, at least in some parts it was kind of fun to read, and by that I mean that some parts were genuinely ferociously suspenseful, like when they try to save the town. But most of the book was just a...

Dinosaurs Destroy Detroit

A t-rex's arms are like, two feet long, and, just for the record, cannot lift multiple ton Hummers.

Well, here we are, tackling another Michigan Chillers book. I have no idea what the point of Michigan Chillers is. Why would someone have most of their books take place in their home state?

Dinosaurs Destroy Detroit is Rand's favorite book, and I can see why. It is an excellent book, despite being filled with plot holes and historical inaccuracies. But, hey, it's a children's book. It is a much better book than I thought it was going to be, and it remains in my top ten, despite my not liking much of the books. Rand is an excellent writer, but he just needs to ditch the "scary" plots and write about realistic fiction. So, buckle up, here we go.

Main Characters

Nick, whose good judgement disappears one quarter of the way through the novel, and his friend Summer, who both disappear into a time portal one quarter of the way through the novel.

Plot

Nick opens this book by telling the reader that his possibly senile grandfather once told him that there is a time portal, outside the city of Detroit, that opens up, for some reason, only opens once, every fifty years on June 28th at exactly 3:05 in the afternoon. Nick, did you ever think that maybe Grandpa has gone nuts? Well, he wakes up to the sound of his dad mowing, and makes a good observation:

But I suddenly remembered something:

today was Monday.

Not just any Monday.

So, without any questioning whatsoever, Nick drags his friend Summer along into this portal and cleverly notices several dinosaurs, such as Quetzalcoatlus, Utahraptor, Triceratops, and Tyrannosaurus Rex. He takes tons of pictures, but just in case the photos don't turn out, he, wait for it, STEALS A DINOSAUR EGG AND NARROWLY ESCAPES WITH IT INTO THE FUTURE!!!!!!!!! It's official, this kid is a moron. So, after running into a cave to be cornered, he takes the T-Rex egg back into the future and sets it in his room instead of taking it to a museum or science lab. Well, long story short, the egg winds up hatching, and Nick wakes up to find that the baby dinosaur CHEWS A HOLE THROUGH THE WALL that he covers up with a checkers board.

How could his Mother not notice that from the outside, again? The baby T-Rex escapes and begins "terrorizing the neighborhood". Nick and Summer stay up all night and chase the dinosaur through the neighborhood, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't think this was a cool sequence. The hungry dino starts digging through people's garbage cans and eating the contents, and Nick has to follow the trail of destruction to stop the beast from causing any more trouble and possibly hurting civilians  He runs into some trouble, though, like he manages to capture the dinosaur after it falls asleep by placing a tarp over it, but the local dogcatcher, Mr. Mulroney, goes towards it, believing it to be a sleeping dog. Nick knows that the dinosaur must be returned to the past to prevent dire consequences in the future. He doesn't explain his reasoning that well but I know what he meant because of that scene in Jurassic Park III. So, Nick goes to the local burger joint, and despite T-Rex's having eyesight based on movement, the t-rex eats the inanimate sandwiches instead of his arm, and Nick is able to subdue it at three in the morning with a burlap sack. And all the while, nobody noticed this!!!!!!! So, Nick literally wakes up to find a dinosaur in his backyard. Thankfully, his laptop webcam was on and he was kind enough to share this one-of-a-kind footage with the world.

You can find it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7tqVEdyteg&feature=relmfu

That's right. The PARENTS of the dinosaur (despite the fact that Tyrannosaurs would eat their own children if need be and there is no evidence to suggest they were parents) have actually come through the portal into the future to retrieve their child. Nick and his mother watch the news, and his mother does not seem to care very much, making breakfast while watching the dinosaurs destroy the city, although the National Guard would only need two assault rifles to stop the carnage, but they make no effort to stop the monsters, and they continue to destroy the city. The television announcer suspends his disbelief and makes a brilliant observation that nobody could have noticed, saying that they are "obviously" looking for something.

And you deduced this how?

Anyway, a police officer used his dash camera to film the dinosaur attacking the city, and has graciously agreed to share this one-of-a-kind footage with the world.

You can find it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVIS31ghLNQ&feature=watch_response

So, wait for it, Nick DRIVES THROUGH THE DRIVE-THRU ON HIS BIKE, WHICH IS STILL OPEN FOR SOME REASON, AND BEGS THE ATTENDANT TO MAKE 27 BURGERS DESPITE THEM STILL SERVING BREAKFAST. She makes them and gives them to him, and Nick saves the day by luring the baby dinosaur into the time portal with the burgers, allowing the parents to follow, and just in time, the portal closes, and the day is saved. I wonder what happened to Nick's wall.....

Things I Learned from This Book

* If there is a massive attack from two easily shootable dinosaurs, it is good to know that the authorities will do nothing whatsoever to stop them.

* When authorities do nothing to stop the attack, the fate of the city of Detroit is in the hands of an eleven year old. God save us all.

* The citizens of Detroit really don't care if the city is destroyed. I guess it really is true, not even the citizens of Detroit care if Detroit is destroyed. It really IS that bad. I mean, come on! Nick's Mother wasn't even shaken by the dinosaur attack, and neither were the patrons at Burger World, who were casually watching the news as if the No Child Left Behind Act was being passed, rather than coverage of chaos in the city.

* Michigan Chillers suck.

* Dinosaurs are capable of viciously pummeling the first four floors of a skyscraper.
* Dinosaurs can lift cars.
* Dinosaurs can somehow light buildings on fire. Don't ask how, it's never explained.
* Dinosaurs can chomp on concrete like candy (?)
* Dinosaurs can cause skyscrapers to collapse (?)
* Dust from a skyscraper verniage collapse is "fog"

* Time portals have VERY specific rules of opening and closing, and you must go in at the exact time after 50 years have passed.

* Two dinosaurs that overall did minor damage to a city that already was a hellhole is "the worst panic anybody in Detroit had never before known". Yeah, worse than gangland.

* It helps your credibility of receiving burgers during the breakfast menu if you ride into the drive thru on your bike.
* A baby T-Rex will be stupid enough to try and jump through a drive-thru window but get stuck. Why?
* Burger World has some damn good deals. Apparently you can buy 27 cheeseburgers for only twenty bucks.

* Parents use the phrase "madder than a wet hen"

* Burger restaurants are still open when there is dinosaurs attacking the city.

* Drive Thru workers still are difficult and fail to acknowledge dinosaurs attacking the city, and instead, devote their concentration on refusing to give you burgers when they are serving breakfast. If anything, you should be focused on the dinosaurs than some whiny kid trying to get some lunch.

* If you somehow do manage to get burgers, order 20 of them to clearly frustrate the worker.

* Michigan Chillers still suck

I Don't Even Know What to Call This Ridiculous Conversation Alert

“What if we get lost?” she asked. “What then?”

She had a point. We couldn’t wander too far from the window, or we might not be able to find our way back to it. Then, we’d never make it back through time. Dad would ground me for a month.

Wait a minute, I thought. If we never made it back, how could Dad ground me? Either way, it wasn’t a pleasant thought.

Great Observation Alert

"It was a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

I knew right then we were in deep trouble."

Give the boy a prize!!!!

Captain Obvious Alert

And I knew that a Tyrannosaurus Rex, when hungry, would eat anything.

Even horses.

Gee, ya really think so?

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending Alert

I don't feel like typing out the dialogue, so let me sum this one up.

Okay, so Nick turns on the television and sees footage of the dinosaurs destroying the city. Like an idiot, he jumps to the conclusion that the dinosaurs have somehow returned despite the fact that the portal closed already. Since there are literally FOUR PAGES left of this book, I highly doubt that is the case. He calls Summer, waking her up, and orders her to turn on the television. She appropriately tells him not to be a moron because they're just playing the footage from yesterday. Nick hangs up, feeling like an idiot.

Well, of course.

Odd Comparison Alert

"And I didn't care to wake him up, either. He might get angry. When I wake my older sister up in the morning, she's like a monster. Teeth and everything."

This was written, people.

Failed Suspense

"Impossible. I thought. Seven hours to save the entire city of Detroit. There was no time to lose."

If only there was something to actually save. Nick, you can take your time. The city already IS destroyed, so the dinosaurs will have a pretty difficult time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g09GtnWdBjc

Say What?

Not even the citizens of Detroit really care if Detroit is destroyed.

Kids say the darndest things alert

"Mom said Mr. Mulroney was madder than a wet hen when he'd received the phone call saying that the dog had ripped through everyone's garbage"

Great Prose Alert

Ideas zipped through my head like race cars.

Questionable Grandparenting

Grandpa tells his grandson that a window through prehistoric time would open up at some exact time for some reason, and leads him to be attacked by Tyrannosaurs and Utahraptors. But here's the good part, he doesn't even know where it leads. They could be trapped in some unknown time period forever, or Grandpa could just be senile.

Questionable Childing

Without any questioning whatsoever, Nick drags his friend Summer along into a time warp that could lead to any time period, and they take a dinosaur egg into the future. How stupid.

Great Idea Alert

When Nick is being chased by a Tyrannosaurus Rex, he yells to Summer, "I see a cave over there!" What would he say next? Quick, in there so we can be cornered? I'd say, let's get to the time portal so we can get the heck out of here!!!!!

Where Have I seen this before alert

It was all in The Lost World: Jurassic Park. I just now realized that! I kid you not! Hey, wait a minute, wasn't a character in this movie also named Nick? I am on a ROLL!!!!! But, Johnathan Rand, that's okay. You still made your story different and entertaining enough for everybody.

The Million Dollar Question

Are burger restaurants still serving food when two prehistoric monsters are destroying Detroit? And if so, will they argue about serving lunch food during breakfast? If you answered yes, you've just won a million dollars!

Conclusions

A bit of plagiarism has gotten Johnathan Rand a well written and entertaining book. If you don't mind historical inaccuracies and plot holes, this is a book for you. I'm not even kidding when I say that this is actually probably the best Chillers book besides Iron Insects Invade Indiana. Rand does a pretty decent job creating suspense with more conventional tactics, like having Nick worry about if a truck driver will spot the dinosaur. Needless to say, that's a hell of a lot better of a cliffhanger chapter ending than Rand's favorite: "If you get scared easily, put this book down, because what was about to happen would scare the living daylights out of anyone." Don't you just love it when authors remind you of how scary their book is supposed to be rather than building actual suspense?

Anyway, Johnathan Rand says this is his favorite Chillers book, and I can actually see why. As I said, this book does a fine job at building practical suspense based on realistic scenarios (with, of course, the exception of that lame-ass dream sequence!) and I enjoyed this book immensely. Even though it's still a Chiller's book and succumbs to the usual cliches, it still has enough originality in it to keep it above water. I would recommend this one because it's of surprising quality for these normally God-awful books. This book alone is proof that Johnathan Rand does have the talent necessary to create an above-average book, so I hope to see more of these ones.

I think I'm going to watch The Lost World: Jurassic Park today.