#19 is so bad that it remains one of the worst books I have ever read. Throughout reading, I was like: REALLY? REALLY? REALLY???? It was that bad. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I didn't give these books a chance. I did. I gave another kid's series, Goosebumps a chance, and it remains as one of the best book series' I have ever read, despite being for twelve year olds. These books take the defenition of bad to a new level.
Main Characters:
Damon Richards, whose believability disappears halfway through the book, and Kamryn Kurtzner (dumbest name ever), who disappears into a dragon's nest in the Emerald Realm halfway through the novel.
Plot:
Damon Richards opens this awful book by describing what it is like in Bismarck, North Dakota. Here's what he says:
"Bismarck, North Dakota is known for several things.
First of all, you probably already know that Bismarck
is the state capitol. You might even know that
Bismarck is the home of the Dakota Zoo, which is a lot
of fun."My favorite part was when he said Bismarck is the home of the Dakota Zoo, which is a lot of fun. So, Damon continues this adventure by describing how he plays Kick the Can. Wait a minute... kids still play that??? So, then, while walking home to his extremely impatient mother who shouts for him over three times before giving up. Then he sees a dragon land in the backyard of some house, and sure enough, goes to investigate. But he doesn't believe it is a dragon for some reason. Then, he is pounced on by "a creature" with claws and talons. But don't worry, it's only Kamryn Kurtzner, from, of course, Michigan, Rand's home state. Here's her reasoning for jumping on him like a wild animal:
“I’m really sorry,” Kamryn said. “I thought you were my cousin, and I was trying to scare him. He’s always trying to scare me like that, and I was just trying to get back at him. Man . . . you yelled really loud. Are you okay?” After they laugh about the incident, Damon walks home because Mommy will have a heart attack if he isn't home soon. Suddenly, in what is supposed to be scary, a talking dragon abducts him and flies through the air, demanding the so-called Orb of Shamaar. 
WHAT?!?!? WHAT!?!?! Dragons are TALKING NOW??!?!?!?!?!? REALLY!?!?! Are you confused yet? I mean, really. Johnathan Rand has written a lot of crap, but I don't think he can top this. I mean, really. I think he needed to come up with something, so he typed in a bunch of random keys and came up with that. So, this dragon that demands the "Orb of Shamwow"
WHAT?!?!? WHAT!?!?! Dragons are TALKING NOW??!?!?!?!?!? REALLY!?!?! Are you confused yet? I mean, really. Johnathan Rand has written a lot of crap, but I don't think he can top this. I mean, really. I think he needed to come up with something, so he typed in a bunch of random keys and came up with that. So, this dragon that demands the "Orb of Shamwow"
is suddenly attacked by another dragon, who drops a rock into the bushes, and Damon grabs it. Kamryn comes over and the dragon flies off, and the other dragon lands, shapeshifts into a human, and identifies herself as Dori. She then takes them to another realm, and tells them that she must guard the Orb because that is the gateway into Earth, and should Dantar arrive on Earth, the consequences would be disasterous. So, the kids are forced to go into the "Emerald Realm", where all of the bad dragons live and fight off Dantar, the evil two headed dragon to get the Sword of Eternal Power. What. Here's what she tells them about what the sword looks like: "It gives off a bright light, so you can't miss it." So, these eleven year olds willingly do this, without any questioning whatsoever, and Dori does the easiest job in the world. Kamryn climbs up a giant nest in the Emerald Realm for some reason, and they have to run away from Dantar and his army of dragons. Long story short, the second dumbest villain (The first is Torgo from Manos, The Hands of Fate.)
in history is turned to stone by the Sword of Eternal Power or something like that. Forget American Chillers, I'm reading Harry Potter!!!! So, they return to Earth, and Damon wakes up to his mother, who apparently went to sleep with him roaming the streets and makes no effort to ask where he went the night before. While she is making breakfast, they turn on the tv and notice that "flashing lights and strange noises in the sky" were witnessed by a few people. Shows how exciting it is in Bismarck, North Dakota, when lights in the sky make the action news. So, when his mother FINALLY asks where he was, he says "Oh, just fighting off evil dragons." His mother seems satisfied with this answer, makes no effort to get another answer out of her son, and tells him that he has a "wild imagination". Not more wild than Johnathan Rand's. Then he meets a kid from Montana, who for no apparent reason, has traveled to North Dakota. She then tells Damon that she had an adventure with Mammoths, and she ties in the next book, Mutant Mammoths of Montana.
Things I learned from this book:
Dragons want Orbs of Shamaar.
Dragons can turn into humans at will.
Dragons are willing to guard a rock while children risk their lives by going into a realm of two-headed carniverous dragons. Well, come to think of it, who wouldn't?
American Chillers suck.
Eleven year old children still play kick the can.
Eleven year old girls are easily confused with vicious monsters with claws.
Dragons have names.
American Chillers still suck.
You can confuse dragons with something else.
Bad parents make no effort to ask their children why they didn't come inside last night.
Florida Fog Phantoms was a really crazy story that wasn't true.
Great Prose Alerts:
"Give me the orb of shamaar!" The dragon ordered.
Biological Mistake Alert
"What is that buzzing nose? A mosquito?" "No, it's an airplane!" Of course it is.
Sexism Alert:
Scared by a girl, I thought. Sheesh.
Say What?
This book was about as scary as Harry Potter. But this book is fantasy, which Johnathan Rand is even more inept at writing.
Where Have I Seen This Before Alert
Basically this whole book (except for the "orb of Shamwow") was in a little book from the eighties called The Eyes of the Dragon by a freelance writer you probably never even heard of named Stephen King. The Eyes of the Dragon was a genius, macabre story based in an alternate mideval reality where fire-breathing dragons rule. But, rather than create a complex fantasy story featuring developed characters and a unique fantasy world with a nearly unbeatable villain (the dragons don't even breathe fire here) he merely resorted to a bizarre mixture of fantasy, sci-fi, horror, and action. And a very poor one at that. The characters are children, and one lady who forces them into the dangerous dragon realm. The dragons can talk, the design of their world is basic, there is no suspense, and it is about as surprisingly boring as you can get. This surprised me, because it could have been really interesting.
I say it met Dragon Wars because the Dragons fight on our planet, and then go back to their reality (The Eyes of the Dragon).
Johnathan Rand Reference Alert:
Don't you hate it when people reference their own work? Well, Johnathan Rand does this in about every one of his books. Here it is from this one: I looked forward to going to bed and reading my book. I was reading this really crazy story about fog phantoms in Florida. It wasn’t true, but it was pretty freaky.
Questionable Parenting:
After being out all night, fighting vicious swarms of carniverous two headed dragons in a parallel dimension, Damon's mother does not even ask why he was late getting home. She skips over it, and casually makes breakfast.
Celebrity Cameo Alert
I asked various celebrities what they thought on this book, and filmed their reactions. You can see them:
J.K. Simmons (my favorite reaction): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztVMib1T4T4&feature=related
Tobey Maguire: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jJ9sQTX4EE&feature=related
Will Smith: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=im_5QdHp04E&feature=related
Ice Cube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95SYdjRVCR0&feature=related
Bill Cosby: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sw6ndZNLYUA&feature=related
James Earl Jones: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nF_lJTGKFP0&feature=related
Arnold Schwarzenegger: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEgh8TUlpQc&feature=related
Adolf Hitler: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gChRHmOgDbY&feature=related
Questionable Wizarding:
Dori leaves the children to fend for themselves in the emerald realm and fight off carniverous two-headed dragons while she guards a rock.
The Million Dollar Question:
Should Johnathan Rand be able to write "fantasy"? If you answered no, you've just won a million dollars!
Conclusions:
This book was about as "exciting" as buying socks, and Johnathan Rand should be sued for false advertising under the claim that these books are scary. I am surprised that a mentally disabled six year old didn't make up the plot. Did Johnathan Rand do these as a joke? How can he be serious????
This book really did have potential, too. I mean, it really could have had great potential. If you put in some complex characters, took out the character of Dori and the ability for the lizards to talk, took out the cliffhangers, (there are like, three chapters devoted to them climbing down a giant nest) and made the world more unique and detailed (it is described more like the castle from Shrek) it would be a really good book. But it isn't.
This book really did have potential, too. I mean, it really could have had great potential. If you put in some complex characters, took out the character of Dori and the ability for the lizards to talk, took out the cliffhangers, (there are like, three chapters devoted to them climbing down a giant nest) and made the world more unique and detailed (it is described more like the castle from Shrek) it would be a really good book. But it isn't.
