A few words on Johnathan Rand

Okay, I just want to make one thing perfectly clear: I don't HATE Johnathan Rand (the pseundonym of Christopher Wright). In fact, I admire him. I take pride in the American dream and I enjoy reading up on true examples, i.e, The Persuit of Happyness, Bill Gates. Johnathan Rand was once a freelance writer who tried desperately to sell his books to gas stations and supermarkets. He finally secured a distributor and American Chillers became a sleeper hit series. I would describe it as a "cult series". American Chillers is not super popular, as in, you can't find them wherever books are sold, but the books were a big enough of a hit for Rand to do his dream, and write full time. This is my dream. I want to be a writer of books desperately. Therefore, I admire him. That he can have such a loyal fan base. That he can be so successful. If he would take the time to think up plots that aren't recycled from other things, or if he would ditch the REALLY friggin' annoying repetitive titles, his books would be really good.

This blog was never meant to be mean. It was merely meant to provide comical reviews of his books, which I find funny. It's all in good fun. Johnathan Rand is a great writer, but he needs to treat his audience with a little more respect. Then, his books would be a lot better. If he didn't just assume that they would accept anything, you would see TONS of effort put into it.
Not to say that Mr. Rand is lazy, because I know how hard it is to write a book. Believe me, I've tried. But you have a really talented guy who could add a lot more detail into it and a lot more realistic scenes rather than fake outs and underdeveloped characters. He knows his audience, but not well enough. 

What he should do is write books for adults. Really. He would be really successful. WAY more successful than he is now.

Johnathan Rand, you are a funny guy, and a really nice guy, but if you made a few minor adjustments, you could be as popular as R.L Stine, my favorite author.

You are an inspiration to me and many others. God bless, Troy.

Poisonous Pythons Paralyze Pennsylvania

(I really don't understand #11's cover, because it doesn't have anything to do with the book, but I have to give them props for creativity)

The Main Characters
Ryan, and Stephen, whose believability disappears half-way through the novel, and Heather, who disappears until half-way through the novel. (And, if I can make a quick note here, I would like to mention that every other chillers book (with the exception of Missouri Madhouse) that I have ever read has only had two protagonists. I really don't understand why Rand felt the need to put a third person in the circle of friends here. She doesn't serve any purpose. You know what? That will be the twist.)

The Plot
Ryan Brindley has just moved to Maple Glen, Pennsylvania (not far from Philadelphia) from Missouri. I'm surprised Rand didn't make a cheap Missouri Madhouse reference here, but, so be it. After all, it isn't my book. Ryan and his friends, Stephen and Heather Lewis love to hunt for snakes. One day, Ryan suggests that they hunt in the local swamp (you know, the infamous Pennsylvania swamps) when they come across a  neat discovery: a gigantic snakeskin, around thirty feet long. The kids argue about if it is a boa constrictor, but no boa constrictors live in Pennsylvania. Curious, they do a pretty smart thing, by deciding go to the local pet store to tell the owner about it, who may know something about snakes. Yes, ask the teenager working minimum wage at a pet store for advice on a 30-foot jungle reptile. The clerk tells them that the manager is not here, but to come back later that night. They do and he drives them to the local university where they are introduced to a biology professor. The clerk tells them that the professor is his colleague, who created the pythons for a genetic engineering experiment for class. The experiment didn't go wrong or anything, but the dangerous poisonous reptiles escaped through the ceiling tiles.
That's right, the ceiling tiles you see at an office. He apparently just built a glass wall on the other side of the laboratory and filled it with plants. He didn't bother to change the ceiling or anything or create an isolated environment for them to live in, he just threw them in a closet, and they escaped thorough the ceiling.
Okay, first off, why did they give these things poison glands? I mean, isn't that like giving piranhas wings?



Or giving carniverous dinosaurs F-15 fighter jets?


However, I will admit that it is more realistic that a college professor would do this than a random mad scientist, but still-- who is giving him the funding to do this??? And what is the point of giving already dangerous creatures POISON GLANDS?!?!? And where did he get the pythons anyway? Wal-Mart? So, the scientist tells them that the pythons have escaped into the local swamp where they will breed. He is actually being really calm while he says that an entirely new species of poisonous, gigantic reptile will be created. Espescially in a place where people walk around! Someone could be DEAD, and this guy doesn't even care! He just assumes that he will get them back in time! Dude, do you even realize how big of a lawsuit you will have on your hands if these things kill somebody? Can you imagine living with that guilt? And I can't imagine how much worse that guilt would get when you realize that you not only didn't put it in a specialized habitat, but had no reason to genetically engineer these animals! But no matter! He has disguised a canister of knock out gas as a fire extinguisher. Wait a minute, what? WHY would he do that? To sneak it past airport security? Here's an idea, why not bring a friggin' SHOTGUN??? These things are dangerous, you a-hole! And I love how he lets the kids come with into the swamp with no protection whatsoever. I mean, really. He didn't bring any night vision goggles, no guns, no knives, just a canister of knock out gas. But how fast does this work anyway? Doesn't knock out gas take like, twenty minutes to tranquilize the animal? But, no matter! It's time to go into the middle of the deep, dark swamp to go hunting for TWO dangerous, gigantic, genetically engineered snakes! They find the snakes and manage to knock one of them out. But the other one attacks the pet store clerk and the scientist.
But, get this! The kids wind up saving the adults! Okay, I have read my fair share of these books, and I know how the kids always triumph, but it is so unlikely that they would save ADULTS!!! Come on! Did they get their saving techniques from Quest for Camelot?
So, they bring the reptiles back into the enclosure and everyone lived happily ever after.
That is, until Ryan meets Serena, a girl from Delaware, who tells them all of an encounter she had with living dolls. But that's another story....

But the Twist Is...
And then there was a third character who served no purpose but to be a girl!

Things I Learned from this Book
* Scientists will randomly genetically alter already hazardous reptiles to make them even more dangerous.
* American Chillers suck.
* Scientists will disguise a canister of knock out gas as a fire extinguisher.
* There are swamps in Pennsylvania.
* Johnathan Rand will not even bother to make up a reason as to why Ryan moved.
* Get this, Pennsylvania pet store clerks will not know much about jungle pythons!
* Three's company! Apparently two main characters wasn't enough here.
* If you do decide to genetically alter reptiles, just put a glass wall on one side of your laboratory and fill it with plants. It will be just like the jungle!
* Pythons will escape captivity if you hold them captive in a sub-standard enclosure.
* Don't be worried about death, lawsuits, or loss of funding if your dangerous experiment escapes from your sub-standar enclosure.
* Pythons are incredibly easy to find in a swamp.
* Adults will need to be saved by children from time to time.
* American Chillers still suck.

Great Prose Alert

And suddenly. . . .

“HOLY COW!”

Cliffhanger Chapter Ending Alert
I didn't just freak out... I went bananas.  

Sexism Alert

My friend Stephen loves to catch snakes, too, and so does our friend Heather Lewis. I used to think that girls didn’t like snakes, but Heather does, and she’s good at catching them, too. Today, she had soccer practice, so she couldn’t be with us.

Obscure 90s Pop Culture Reference Alert
Quest for Camelot is a movie from the 1990s about a girl named Kayleigh.

No, not that Kayleigh.
But a girl who wants to become a knight and save Camelot. Throughout the film, she is complaining and gloating about how she will be the greatest knight ever.

YET, throughout the film, she has to constantly be saved by a BLIND MAN!!!! And, get this, at the very end of the film, she needs to be saved by a chicken. A FRIGGIN' CHICKEN!!!

For more, watch the nostalgia critic's top 11 damsels in destress review.

Obscure Book Review Reference Alert
Kreepy Klowns of Kalamazoo is a terrible book, but it made a pretty funny review.
Click HERE to read it. And for another obscure book review alert, click another story.... at the very end of the plot. It takes you to the Dangerous Dolls of Delaware review.

Johnathan Rand Reference Alert
Actually, there is none here. Nope. I suppose that when Rand frequently mentions that when a character moves away, (in this case to Pennsylvania from Missouri) that is like a reference to his books since every one takes place in a different state (Whoever thought up this "50 state scares" gimmick needs to be dragged out into the street and shot.)


Say What?

“Ryan, you’re a genius!” Stephen shouted, and he raised his hand in the air. I slapped it and then bowed.

Where Have I Seen This Before Alert

This entire plot was in a film called PYTHON from 1999. This was a fantastic film for a TV movie, with an ensemble cast including Casper Van Dien (starship troopers), Jenny McCarthy (Um, well, she, she, she was a playboy model and she was in a couple movies... she's Jim Carrey's former girlfriend.) Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger) and William Zabka (The douche teen in The Karate Kid). This had bad special effects, but a hilarious tongue-in-cheek attitude, and really good acting. The ending was plausible and the characters were likable. That is until the prostitute known as the "hollywood sequel took it for all it's worth!

Well, it can't get much worse than that, can it--


The entire book is in here! A gigantic, genetically engineered snake on the loose, the good-hearted but foolish guilt-ridden scientist chasing it, and the main characters who wander into the mess.

Questionable Science
The "scientist" genetically engineers already deadly animal to make it even deadlier by giving it poison glands. He doesn't bother to control the variable in the experiment, the snakes, by putting them in a sterile environment, rather putting them behind a glass wall in his classroom. The snakes escape through the ceiling to run amok in the streets before breeding a new kind of species, a poisonous python in the local swamp. Then, he disguises a canister of knock-out gas as a fire extinguisher so he can sneak it into places without arousing suspicion. Then, he goes off with children into a swamp with the knock out gas.

So, what was the point of screwing with nature in the first place?

The Million Dollar Question
Do scientists often genetically engineer animals for no reason? If you answered yes, you didn't win a million dollars!
Conclusions
If you ignore the factual inaccuracies and plot holes, this is actually one of the best Chillers books, and a very well-written one at that. I enjoy how the title acutually has a lot of thought and creativity put into it, despite the fact that it is one of the longest titles in the series. But I think that that is part of the creativity. Pennsylvania is long, so why not make the title long as well? I also like how Johnathan Rand seems to have done his homework on snakes, and he does a good job of creating some very sensible and likabile characters. I thought it was a really good read and actually kept my excitement.

Okay, I can't resist:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9NUc0ut8Ek&feature=related

A Chillers book finally coming on South Dakota????

Well, the day has finally come. I fondly remember talking with my friend and the co-creator of this blog Chris Bly (please hold your applause, this is a serious matter) at lunch in seventh grade a couple years back about all of the stereotypes that Rand has introduced into his books, which mostly take place in the generic state capitol, as if Johnathan Rand just looks at the big book of state capitols for his research. (For a couple examples, the only research he did on North Dakota was that they had a zoo in the state capitol, the only research that he did on Minnesota was that they have four seasons, you tell me how that works, and the only research he did on Nebraska was that the protagonist lived in a farm OUTSIDE the state capitol.) I for one, used to live in Nebraska, (yes, I am from the midwest, but I am certainly not a hick.) in a town that contained 24,000 people. It is certainly not the biggest city in the world, but it is still far bigger than a simple farm. Believe it or not, not all midwesterners are farmers, Omaha, Sioux Falls, and Des Moines being a few good examples of cities with almost 1 million people. This is what rubs me the wrong way the most about Rand, that he throws out random stereotypes against the people who live far away from him, and does little research on the places. He does such a small amount of research, usually a few sentences at most, (one of which has to be the name of the state capitol, I know, breathtaking research) that when he does the books from his home state, Michigan, you feel blown away at how much you learn about one town in partictular, (around a page of trivia) whereas Rand feels like he can sum up an entire state in a couple sentences.

Anyway! Well, it seems as if Johnthan Rand has finally gotten to South Dakota. I fondly remember talking to Chris about what he will do to butcher the good name of our state when he gets around to it. Chris predicted that the protagonist would live on a farm outside the state capitol, Pierre. He also claimed that Rand would include aliens or something bogus like that and have the final showdown on Mount Rushmore, like in North By Northwest. I reminded Chris that although farmland is an important part of our state's economy, he will not do enough research to discover that, so it would be more likely that the main character would be a hick in the black hills, like a children's version of Deliverance, or maybe Wrong Turn.  Or, he could live on an Indian reservation in the Badlands. I do still agree that there will be something involving Mount Rushmore, though, but I stand by my argument that Rand will not do enough research to discover that about half of our state is farmland, the other half: mountains, mining, and dams.

Here's the title: Savage Dinosaurs of South Dakota. It is basically about a dinosaur oriented theme park located in the middle of nowhere. And what better place to put it than in the middle of South Dakota? After all, it is where all the people in witness protection come. It is about a girl named Autumn (?) and her friend Brady (?) who love dinosaurs. One day, they discover that an eccentric billionaire will be making a theme park oriented around dinosaurs. In fact, the logo is online now.

Actually, no. Whereas that actually had thought and creativity put into it, this just ripped off the idea of a dinosaur theme park and switched out cloned dinosaurs with robots to avoid plagarism. And another thing. Why are they so excited about this millionaire's park if it's just a bunch of robots? Well, Johnathan Rand hasn't ever included robots in his books.
 
Judging by the look of the park, it looks like the park will take place in the badlands. This is pretty creative. Dinosaurs roamed there long ago and the landscape is beautiful. So, I do support the park taking place there. But I am more curious as to where the kid lives. That is where it gets interesting. To see what stereotypes he will thow at us.
Tell us what you think of the book. Do you think that it will take place at Mount Rushmore? On a farm? In a mountain shack? On a reservation in the badlands?

Anyway, I will review this book as soon as possible. You can read the description here:
http://www.americanchillers.com/