Hey everyone, It's Chris Bly. Troy mentioned me in an earlier post. I'm going to be here making my own reviews and comments along with Troy. When I post in one of Troy's posts, I'll be writing in Blue Bold Text. That's how you can tell when I'm the one writing. So, I'll be seeing you, my loyal zero followers. (Thanks to Eli for that last joke).
-CJ

Nuclear Jellyfish of New Jersey

Add jellyfish, New Jersey, and nuclear power to the list of things Johnathan Rand isn't qualified to write about.

Main Characters
Shayleen Mills and her brother Lee, whose believability disappears halfway through the book, and who both could have disappeared into a killer whale throughout the novel.

Plot
Shayleen Mills is running from the law.......... er, wait, no, but it defenitely would have made this book somewhat exciting. She is moving to the extremely polluted and densely populated state of New Jersey from Tennessee. Apparently, she had an encounter with evil, living toys there, and is now moving away from all of the "terrifying" events that she experienced in the book Terrifying Toys of Tennessee. Wow. What are the odds that two scary things would happen to a person who moves to two different states? Good one, Johnathan Rand. Shayleen (Completely ridiculous name) opens this dreadful book by arguing with herself over which state is better, and going over the top in a silly attempt to explain to readers in Tennessee or New Jersey that no state is beter than the other. She introduces her two year old brother, Lee, who she describes like this:
Lee is only two years old, but he manages to get into all sorts of trouble? That sounds like the making of a sitcom to me. Lee was originally to play the role of Tommy on Rugrats.
After all that is over, and a short chapter is gone forever, they describe themselves moving into their new home in Medford, New Jersey. Rand does an excellent job of describing them moving, but flubs it up when he tells the reader that, after only a month of working, they decide to take a vacation. Are you serious?!?!??! One month?!??!? My family hasn't taken a vacation in ONE YEAR and they need to take one after a month of working? Man, his job must be moving mountains, because that is just plain ridiculous. One month. You know what? That will be the twist. And then they took a vacation after one month of working! Anyway, so they go shopping the day before they leave and pack their suitcases (something else Rand describes excellently. He could be a good author if he ditched the "scary" plots altogether and just wrote about real life issues) and they drive off to the coast. To the greatest vacation resort hotspot in the world. The heavily polluted, crowded, horribly disgusting beaches of Wildwood, New Jersey. He does an excellent job describing them checking into their hotel, and then he flubs it up again. Let me explain.
Just listen to this absolutely pointless scene:

Mom asked me to put sun screen on Lee, but he was so freaked out that he ran away! I didn’t know what his problem was. It was just sun screen. I had to chase him all over the beach, catch him, and take him back to the picnic area. He even started crying! Lee shook his head as I opened the bottle. "No, no, no," he said. And that’s when Mom stepped in. "Lee," she said sternly, "if you don’t let your sister put sun screen on you, you’re staying in the hotel room." Lee looked at Mom, and I could tell he got the message. He didn’t fuss a bit as I rubbed sun screen all over him. "There," I said. "All done."Serena takes Lee to the beach and lets him run free for a few minutes. Don't worry about him, he's for comic relief. He'll be fine. So, in the water, Serena is attacked by a shark! Wait a minute, what? Does Johnathan Rand REALLY think that we will fall for our protagonist being attacked in CHAPTER THREE??? AND IT'S NOT EVEN A JELLYFISH! So, I'm goona put my bets on that SHE DOESN'T get eaten and it's going to be something ridiculous instead.

But, it was only a toy shark. Listen to this: More toys, I thought, recalling my recent experience in Tennessee.

Yeah, as if we need to be REMINDED that Johnathan Rand took that much of a cop out by reusing a character in a book that isn't even a sequel. Did he think that we would forget already?

Serena meets the toy's owner, Tony, who introduces her to his sister, Isobel. (Johnathan Rand must have flunked spelling), the children of the resort's owners, who get to enjoy the park for free. They become friends and talk for a bit. Later that night, Serena decides that she wants to go look for rocks, sand dollars and seashells on the beach. Her family prepeares to leave their eleven year old firstborn child on the beach where she is vulnerable to be kidnapped by some maniac by handing her the plastic room key. Serena gives the readers a helpful reminder that the keys are plastic cards, and not actual keys. WHAAAAT????? NO WAY!!! Surely any child of the 21st century believes that room keys are still skeleton keys!!!! But that would be speaking logically, and that is a BIG no-no. Serena goes walking around the beach in SNEAKERS because she is afraid of cutting her feet. Okay, I'll give Johnathan Rand props for teaching kids to be safe and smart, but I doubt that any eleven year old will get perfectly good sneakers wet when they could be wading around the beach. While she looks for seashells, she feels something grasp her foot, and for some reason, instantly assumes that it is a jellyfish, although she hasn't seen any yet. However, it is only a crab, and she later describes how her vacation will soon become a "trip of madness" Madness???

Oh, Shayleen, don't you know?

Shayleen sees Tony and Isobel again and they chat about things on the beach when they see multicolored lights flashing on the ocean. They look to the horizon and see something that appears to be a flying saucer, although none of the children have ever seen one before. Tony begins to insist that it is a UFO (although a UFO is merely ANY AIRCRAFT that hasn't been identified.) and begins to change terms several times during the conversation. Shayleen is reluctant to accept this theory, and Shayleen tells Tony that it is not a UFO. Though, after she says this, strangely enough, she instantly realizes the story that was all the hype in Arizona, about alien androids that tried to take over the Grand Canyon. This is a VERY obvious reference to the book Alien Androids Assault Arizona. My God, if you made a drinking game on these books JUST to see if the book mentions other books by Johnathan Rand, then you'd be wasted within the first few chapters. Shayleen then questions herself on weather they could have actually seen a flying saucer, as she had never seen anything like that before. I must give Johnathan Rand props on this dramatic and well-executed scene as well.

Until now, I'd thought that everyone who believed in UFOs was crazy.

Maybe I'm the crazy one.

When she arrives back at the room, she tells her Father that she saw something that she may think is a UFO. He probes her (get it?) on the subject as to what it looked like, and instantly assumes the logical choice, that it was a helicopter or a plane. Shayleen refuses, stating that neither a helicopter or plane were shaped, colored or flew like the one they saw. When Shayleen tells her Father that she saw a flying saucer, her father openly mocks and ridicules her in front of the rest of her family. He does this somewhat like this:

"Well, it looks like we need to be prepared for an invasion of aliens from outer space! And to think I left my alien-fighting ray gun at home! Bummer."

What kind of Father is this man? But then again, he does think logically, and of course, that is a BIG no-no for American Chillers. Later that night, they see the news report describing the UFO, and the Dad is just like, well, look at that! That plot point is never spoken of again and lost forever. It looks like Dad doesn't like to admit when he's wrong.

The next day, they spot a jellyfish on the beach. The beached jellyfish begins dripping some sort of acidic blood onto the beach, causing it to begin melting the sand, I guess. But get this, the jellyfish RISES INTO THE AIR AND BEGINS FLYING!!!! Holy crap, this is one of the worst plots ever cooked up in the history of mankind. It really is that bad. Shayleen runs into Tony and Isobel, and they proceed to barricade themselves into a dressing room. The jellyfish desperately paw at the enterance, and they scream for help as the jellyfish begin to break down the door. However, by now, everyone has fled the park, and Shayleen assures Tony and Isobel that her parents will be looking for her. Tony realizes that the ship must have been radioactive, and contaminated the jellyfish, causing them to, wait a minute, wait a minute. Why did it ONLY effect the jellyfish? And were the jellyfish already evil? Or did they turn evil? Sadly, none of that is explained, as this is a Johnathan Rand novel. Somebody needs to splash holy water on this inferno. As they are trying to piece together what happened and how to escape the room, a green jellyfish breaks in, but before it can attack Tony, Isobel "karate kicks" the door shut on it, pushing it out, and crushing one of its tentacles, causing its toxic, acidic blood to drip to the concrete floor. The blood actually eats through the concrete and produces toxic gas as a by-product. They flee into an air-conditioning vent as the gas fills the room and the jellyfish finally break in. They go through the vent and find a small electrical room. Tony jumps down and almost gets hurt, and decides to put a table under the vent so they don't have to fall. WHAT HAPPENED TO LADIES FIRST????? Tony peeks outside and sees the jellyfish sucking the neon "juice" out of some neon lights. Neon Juice? There is no such thing. I know that this is a kid's book and all, but this is a very simple fix. All he had to say was Neon Gas. That's just common sense. There is gas in the bulbs, not liquid. Does he even bother to research for his books?

So, yeah, Tony tells them that since they survive off the neon lights, which are situated all over the park, that if they shut off the power, they will lose their energy and die. Isobel is hesitant, however, and says that she is worried about being grounded because she is not supposed to play with electricity or cut the power to the main breaker to an entire amusement park. Tony tells her that they have to do this, or they will die, and they do it. However, there is a problem, because....

THEY DIDN'T SAY THE MAGIC WORD!!!!!!

Anyway, they flee the control room when a jellyfish tentacle slams through a window, and they are cornered by the perimiter fence as they are trying to leave the amusement park. The only thing they could possibly use to their advantage is a couple of trash cans, which Shayleen gets the bright idea to throw the garbage can lids at the jellyfish. And they kill all of them in the dumbest way possible. Because if there is any way to kill giant, radioactive, nuclear, flying jellyfish, it is by throwing trash can lids at the jellyfish! But here's the thing, they are, I don't know, allergic to them, or something.... and they EXPLODE!!!!!

Well, Johnathan Rand took out the trash. If I was him, I would have shouted: 

GARBAGE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tony, Isobel, and Shayleen wreak havoc on the jellyfish and finally get their revenge by throwing every piece of metal that they can find at them, and every jellyfish explodes into a splatter of radioactive acid goo as the police and fire department FINALLY shows up. Holy crap, some EMTs. They seriously cannot show up for a swarm of radioactive jellyfish that are attacking the coast and destroying a major resort slash amusement park with several children possibly trapped inside, fending off multiple swarms singlehandedly without any weapons? Shouldn't that kind-of be top priority? Well, to be fair, there probably is a lot more important things they must be doing. I managed to obtain this footage about what case the local police department is currently working on: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pa8aP6WwI8

But The Twist Is......
AND THEN THEY TOOK A VACATION AFTER ONE MONTH OF WORKING!!!

Things I learned from this book

• Two year olds know what a beach and a carnival ride is, and can not only walk AND talk, but jump. Man, they need to put this kid in the circus.
• Jellyfish can fly if they are radioactive. Really? If I go to Chernobyl, I don't think I will fly.....
• Eleven year olds describe crowds of people as 'gobs'
• Terrifying Toys of Tennessee was 'horrifying'
• Jellyfish are NOT scary
• Children are eager to go wading on a beach in SNEAKERS because of broken glass hazards.
• Something happened in Arizona with alien androids that tried to take over the Grand Canyon.
• Most 21st century children don't know that a hotel key is a plastic card.
• Alien spaceships can cause jellyfish to become giant, flying monsters with acid for blood all in the course of one day.
• Parents will openly mock their child if they tell them that they saw a flying saucer.
• Flying Saucers and UFOs are apparently the same thing (Flying saucers are aliens, UFOs are any aircraft that hasn't been identified)
• American Chillers suck
• Metal garbage can lids can cause jellyfish to explode.
• Drugs are never the answer after reading a book this bad
• Suicide is never the answer after reading a book this bad
• Watching Jay Leno is never the answer after reading a book this bad
• Reading this book's predecessor, Terrifying Toys of Tennessee, is never the answer after reading a book this bad. It was equally bad, and only made me try all of the things above again.
• American Chillers still suck
• Killer Whales are carniverous

Dad's Excellent Advice
"Remember what I told you," he said. "Don’t go in farther than your waist. The ocean is very different than the lakes and pools you’ve been in. The currents here can be really strong. We don’t want you pulled out to sea and eaten by a killer whale."

The Two Year-Old Lee's Incredibly Structured Vocabulary
(When Shayleen goes swimming) Me go! Me go! So, he knows how to swim.
(When he sees the park) Rides! Rides! So, he knows the name for amusement park attractions.
(When he sees the beach) Beach! Beach! Beach! So, he knows what a beach is.
It's almost like Johnathan Rand took the vocabulary of a five year-old and put it into a two year old character. He just basically repeated everything once or twice with an explanation point, and he thought that that would resemble a toddler! How does he know these terms? Does he read his dictionary daily?

Questionable Parenting
They leave their firstborn child on the beach alone at dusk, they leave their secondborn toddler alone with their firstborn child on the beach at dusk, openly mock her about believing in aliens, they leave her alone in an amusement park to be picked off by vicious, man eating, nuclear jellyfish, and they teach their child that harmless Orcas are man-eaters. Parents of the year? Or morons? You decide.

Great Prose Alert
"There were gobs and gobs of people all over the place!"

Record-breaking alert
This book is the first book to be continued by the character from another book! Let's give him a hand, folks! It looks like he's got a whole bunch of new tricks up his sleeve!

Where have I seen this before alert
Giant, carniverous Jellyfish???? Wow, it was all in Deep Trouble II. Only difference is, the jellyfish weren't killed by garbage cans, and they didn't fly.

The Million Dollar Question
Can killer whales eat people in the world of Johnathan Rand? If you answered yes, then you've just won a million dollars!

Conclusions
Johnathan Rand took out the trash..... by destroying the trash he created, the jellyfish, by trash can lids, and ending all of the trash in the book.
This book is a pretty enjoyable read, though, and you don't have to be wasted drunk to enjoy it. It has better writing than most of his other works, and it is actually entertaining. It's bad, but it's pretty good for Johnathan Rand. It's just overall fun, and it's not that bad. The book sucks, but it's so bad, it's good.
This book would have been better if he had made it Nuclear Jellyfish of Jersey Shore.

DISCLAIMER (READ PLEASE!!!!!)

Hello. If Johnathan Rand is reading this, the blog is meant to be a joke. We are not putting you down. We think that it is fantastic that you have found something that makes you and tons of children happy. That is nice. You seem like a nice person, and we are too, but all this blog is are jokes.

This blog is meant to be read by teens and adults. Children are not getting the full book and are only recieving brief, comical reviews. (Don't cheat your way through an AR test by reading the summaries, because it won't work.)

Johnathan Rand, we are old enough to know that your books are not meant for kids our age. Kids love your books. That is fine. We are just too old for it.
By the way, I am not interested in lawsuits, so all of you con artists or people with low intellectual quotients (IQs, also known as intelligence quotient) that the "million dollar question" is not an actual prize of one million dolllars if you get the question right. It is a joke. Don't ridicule me, it happens. This disclaimer is to show you some commonly asked questions and their answers. Also, view the older posts. They are funny, not to toot our own horn.

DON'T SUE US, WE ARE JOKESTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Kreepy Klowns of Kalamazoo

Johnathan Rand 101:
Okay, klass, take out a notebook, your number two pencils, put on your "thinking kaps", and put away any electronic devices. Except, of kourse, for this computer. This is an online kourse, after all. First off, look at the picture I have graciously provided you with above. Do you see the title? Kreepy Klowns of Kalamazoo. Okay, when I first saw this book title, I just laughed. I just laughed. Johnathan Rand has done a lot of krap, but this has to be his klowning achievement. Seriously. If you have read other reviews on his books, you should know by now that the titles of his books have to have the subject, what it is like, and what the subject is doing all start with the same letter. Why? I don't know. Some questions will never be answered. Did he think it was a klever gimmick? Did he think kids would remember these titles? Did he think that he was really identifying with his target audience by making the titles ridiculous??? Okay, take Goosebumps, for example. Stay out of the Basement. Kreepy title, grips you as to what is going to happen next. Same with Don't Go to Sleep, A Night in Terror Tower, or The Scarecrow Walks at Midnight. With Johnathan Rand, he pretty much dooms the book from the start because he is desperately struggling to come up with a "Klever" title, which in turn, hinders what he can do with the plot. In American Khillers, we get "Invisible Iguanas of Illinois", "Virtual Vampires of Vermont", "Kreepy Kondors of Kalifornia", "Vicious Vacuums of Virginia", and even "Nuclear Jellyfish of New Jersey". In this review, Johnathan Rand is writing about Kalamazoo, Michigan for his spin-off series that takes place in his home state, Michigan Chillers. In this case, he actually needs to spell a word wrong because there aren't very many "kreepy" nouns that begin with the letter "K". So, he decides, that since words that already sound the same just HAVE to begin the same as the place it is taking place in, to spell kreepy wrong as well. So, next he decides that, with a kop-out like that, he has to justify it somehow. So, before even thinking up the plot, he dreams up some German-Swedish-French (???) guy named Klaus VonKlown. (Yeah, because VonKlown is the most kommon surname in Europe. What, is he taking stereotypes straight from Bram Stoker's Dracula?) So, let's recap the writing process of Johnathan Rand.

• First, he must either think up ridiculous adjectives or nouns that begin with the same letter as the setting, and if he cannot think up words that start the same, he must actually khange the words themselves so they kan look the same.
• Next, and remember, this is optional, should he use such a kop out, he must decide how such a kop out kan be justified. Since he has already intentionally spelled two words wrong just for the heck of it, and stereotyped an entire kontinent, he decides that now he kan justify khanging two words that ALREADY begin with the same sound as "K" so they can start with "K", because, apparently, the guy will name his creations and what they are like after the spelling of his name. But remember, this is a kop out. It doesn't HAVE to be realistic.
• And, now he must kreate the plot. So, he has the guy, who has already decided on his profession based on his last name.... you tell me how that works, kreate something unrealistic, not give it enough backstory, and make it evil for no reason. And now you are ready to kook up a Johnathan Rand novel!

Are there any questions? No? I can see you are already frozen in absolute terror as to what our example has already shown you of this book. Don't bother trying to leave. I have already locked all of the doors. Don't bother trying to call 911, or I'll kill your mother. And don't attempt to scream for help, because I have hidden explosives under your khair. Like Oprah, you know, if she should someday suffer some kind of a psychotic break and go on a killing spree. So, without further or due, let's get on with Kreepy Klowns of Kalamazoo.

Main Characters
Kayleigh, whose believability disappears halfway through the novel, and her friend Andy, who disappears into a prop koffin halfway through the novel.

Plot
You see, whenever Johnathan Rand writes a book that takes place in Michigan, he does all sorts of research and tells you all kinds of Michigan Trivia you never even asked for in the first place. Whenever he does a book about other states, he almost always has it take place in the state kapitol, and makes wild accusations and steretotypes against the people that live there. What's that? You need an example? Every book so far that has taken place in the midwest took place on a farm, OUTSIDE the state kapitol, that's what I mean. The book opens up with Kayleigh describing the kity of Kalamazoo, Michigan. Then she says that she loves the karnival, or did, until she met the Klowns. And yes, Klowns with a K, and they are named that for the stupidest reason ever, I will get to that later. Kayleigh arrives at the karnival and, while paying for her tickets, she discovers a klown in the toll booth. Because, you know, all of the klowns in the kircus take turns taking tickets, rather than kreating joyous fun. Yeah, you know they must be kagey in there! So, when the klown says 'enjoy the rides' in a low voice, Kaylee is deeply unsettled, some-how. OH, another thing with Johnathan Rand, although the book is about Klowns, Rand believes that kids are stupid, and won't know who the antagonists are unless he hints it to them. Because, you know, kids forget who they are supposed to be afraid of three chapters in to the book. Therefore, his pathetic attempts at foreboding are rendered silly because he cannot think up a way to justify the 'Kreepy' feeling the kharacter feels. His attempts at being kreepy are just stupid and rushed. So, the khild and Andy begin walking around the karnival. But, Kayleigh is suspicious and decides to go snooping, rather than karelessly enjoying what the karnival has to offer, like she should be doing. Okay, that's defenitely not enjoying the rides.
The nosy khild finds some klowns and nonchelantly follows them. One of the clowns pours a glass of green liquid. The clown is distracted and walks away with the others. Kayleigh uses this opportunity to go over unobserved and.... smell the beverage? Why is she curious as to what this guy is drinking? Kayleigh discovers that the liquid is green and smells very strong. Unfortionately, she spills it, and it instantly kills the grass!

Okay, what does this plot thread have to do with anything? We are, like, 20 khapters into this book and there isn't even a whisper about klowns being dangerous! There is no terror here!!! There were supposed to be "KREEPY" klowns in this, right? Suddenly, a man named Klaus VonKlown (???) shows up and scolds the child for trying to drink it, which she "obviously" wasn't doing. Yeah, how dare he scold her for stalking the klowns and breaking his glasses? How dare he?! They are booted out of the area, but like persistant little ants, the two decide to come back and investigate further.
The klowns are arguing about something, but she doesn't know what. She goes kloser with Andy and hears the klowns angrily arguing over whether or not they should "kill them all". However, in the next chapter, they were only talking about ANTS. Okay, I am DONE with the fake-outs, Johnathan Rand! WHEN WILL YOU ACTUALLY MAKE THIS BOOK SERIOUS?!? Kayleigh then kalms down, only to jump to further konclusions when she discovers one of the klowns karrying a knife, but don't worry, it's only a BUTTER KNIFE!!!!!! Okay, these kliffhanger khapter ending fake-outs aren't even believable anymore!!!

YOU KAN HAVE EITHER THIS:
 +
OR THIS:
  +

HOW KOULD KAYLEIGH SEE THE KLOWNS LIKE THAT, THOUGH NOT EVEN THE READER DOES!!! Plus, if the klowns don't seem to plan on killing people, what makes you think that they will in the next scene???
So, yeah. This is what we're in for, folks. Another thirty chapters of fake outs. The klowns use the butter knife to make a sandwich of old radio parts, with a glass of battery acid. which was the liquid Kayleigh spilled. Um, okay. Let's just go with that. They flee from the klowns when they see them and hide in a haunted house tent, where they wind up getting trapped in a coffin. The klown lets them out, presumably to attack them, but Kayleigh and Andy knock the klown's head off in panic. That's right, folks. He knocked the head off of the klown. Apparently this means that that klown wasn't human. Or, was it a distraction while the real klowns do something dastardly? Or are they all robots? Was that klown a person that they just killed? What's real and what's not?
Klownception!


After we are presented with that incredibly konfusing plot point where Andy discovered that one of the klowns is a robot, Klaus VonKlown, the owner of the karnival, I guess, arrives and informs Kayleigh that the klowns are really just all robots. The klowns only "eat" old radio parts and drink battery acid, because they don't have a digestive system that kan tolerate human food. Well, except bread, since they made a sandwich. THINK!!!! And why do they even eat anything? In order to actually get energy from something it has to have calories and nutritional value. I may not be a dietician, but I'm pretty sure that radio parts and battery acid DO NOT have nutritional value. Why don't the kids stumble upon the klowns plugging themselves in or replacing their batteries? That is how every robot is supposed to work. Try dumping some old radio parts down your gas tank. Won't work out so well to power your car, will it? Also, these somehow miraculously advanced androids that can walk, talk and even do normal activities so realistically that everybody believes that they are normal klowns. How is that possible? Those aren't even perfected by NASA yet. I guess that the private sector really is more efficient.
That was my first political joke on this blog! And you have witnessed it! Lucky you! What do you think?

Thanks. Anyway,  no wonder the unemployment is so high! People are building ROBOTS, therefore outsourcing klowns and toll booth workers!!!! Well, we already do have self supermarkets, self checkouts, and self bartenders. But it would be nearly impossible to build one, let alone a couple dozen, robotic klowns that walk, talk, take tickets, drink, eat, and kill ants. This is a sign that payroll taxes are too high! People have to pay taxes to hire, people have to pay taxes to work! But what do you expect from a government that charges a dollar a stamp? Of kourse, since this is a "scary" book, the klowns go postal and Kayleigh soon discovers that the 'Klowns' are planning on getting everybody inside the gravitron to steal their "life energy" (whatever that is). That's strange. It looks as if the gravitron was equipped with the handy life energy machine on it. Either that, or the klowns built it themselves somehow, but they would have to be intelligent to do that. Look, just don't think about it too much, your brain will explode.

They manage to trick the robots into getting into the gravitron and as the gravitron spins faster and faster, and I'm not even kidding here, their heads all explode one by one. Well, I suppose that makes sense.
You see, I was spinning around on the merry-go-round the other day and my friend Chris's head just exploded! I couldn't believe it!

So, what, is the gravitron a scanner?


With the homicidal, apparently self-aware klowns destroyed, Klaus realizes that it was maybe a BAD idea to let artificially intelligent robots run off of radio parts and what I kan only assume are human souls, take over the entire karnival. Klaus thanks them for destroying, probably billions of dollars in property and probably dooming the carnival into bankruptcy, because, you know, a ton of people almost died. Klaus gives them free passes for next year. And they are actually excited about that. WHAT?!?!?! If that happened to me, I would be like, "No thanks, you krazy son of a parent! What are you going to have next year? An army of robot funnel cake vendors?!?!?" So, they go home and she komes face to face with --- a klown!!!!!

But, hold on. HOLD ON!!! WHAT WOULD A KLOWN BE DOING IN HER HOUSE??? What, did he find the key in the little plastic rock? All of the klowns are DEAD and Johnathan Rand thinks that we would fall for that lame fake out? BUT it could always be real, though there are only three pages left in the book, and the book is told in flashback form by Kayleigh, so the klown will probably kill her and escape narrowly from the kops, right?
But don't worry, it's her birthday, so it's okay. Oh. Would have been nice to know it was your birthday. Honestly, I think Johnathan Rand was desperate to finish the book so he could pay the rent. So, he jotted down that cliffhanger chapter ending. She then meets Nick, a boy from Detroit, who had an adventure with dinosaurs. But that's another story....

OKAY, this book was one big

EPIC FAIL!!!!!

I don't know if I should give this to a priest to perform an exorcism! This whole thing was one big facepalm! I think I need therapy!!! I HONESTLY think I need therapy! The plot is absurd, the characters are annoying, the ending is a MAJOR letdown, and the book is just annoying! The book is unforgettable, because it is so stupid! Definitely one of Rand's worst, next to Sinister Spiders of Saginaw. But that's another story....

Things I learned from this book

• Robot klowns are NOT scary
• Europeans, although they stopped doing this eons ago, still decide professions based on last names. So, Klaus VonKlown builds robot klowns, I guess because his name is VonKlown. Was it his destiny's kalling?
• If you are going to build robot klowns for a living, make sure to khange the spelling of 'clown' to fit your own last name.
• Michigan Khillers suck
• Robot Klowns need "life energy" (whatever that is)
• These klowns are the reason for the high unemployment rates
• VonKlown is a legitimate surname. And I thought that Dr. Von Doom was a stretch...
• You kan konfuse butter knives with lethal weapons.
• It is really hard to find nouns and adjectives that begin with "K"
• If you kannot find adjectives or nounds that begin with "K", you kan always khange the spelling of them.
• Tongue twister titles are totally troublesome to think of. (Took me ten minutes)
• Gravitrons are equipped with machines that steal life energy
• I actually didn't learn what life energy is from this book
• Michigan Khillers still suck

Questionable Klowning
So, the klowns run toll booths, although toll booths are not meant to be run by klowns... that's like having a butcher deliver your mail! And, apparently, stealing souls and energy from people is not nice.

Where Have I seen this before alert

Okay, the only reason I khose this kult film is because the klown on the kover looks exactly like the middle klown on the kover of the book. Kheck it out.


Stereotype Alert
Do I even need to say it? Klaus VonKlown????

Great Prose Alert
"No more clowning around, Kayleigh." The clown growled.

Kliffhanger Khapter Ending Alert
* The klown was holding a knife! *next khapter* Wait, it's only a butter knife! How do you not notice that?

Guess which book this is from!
This is a new feature where readers kan guess what book this is from by reading a specific sentence from a book! Tell me what it is from!

There, at my feet, was the klown's head.

Believe it or not, this is actually from Kreepy Klowns of Kalamazoo. Tell me that if I showed you this line, you would instantly guess Kreepy Klowns of Kalamazoo!

Say What????
In the words of my good friend, Eli Suchowacky, "20 pages into this book and I want to throw it into the garbage!!!"

Obscure 80s Horror Film Reference Alert
This picture:

is a still from the infamous "head explosion" scene from David Cronenberg's classic b-movie Scanners. This is why I called the gravitron a scanner, because it made the robots' heads explode.

I can see that you are all eager to watch this film, but I'll spare you a couple bucks by showing you the link for the head explosion scene. WARNING: this scene is graphic, and if you have a weak stomach do not watch. This is why I posted the still of the guy in pain so you wouldn't have to see it. Although it would have been much funnier if you saw it firsthand in a still because then you would have gotten the reference right away, unless you are a fan of the film already. But that's a risk I'm willing to take. Children could be reading this, after all. Watch at your own risk.

Here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdwPGZi-3yQ

The Million Dollar Question
Do the Klowns ever get sick of old radio parts and eat new radio parts? If you answered no, then you've just won a million dollars!

Conclusions
Kreepy? More like KRAPPY!!!!

Father's Day Surprise Alert
COMING SOON
REVIEWS ON:
Sinister Spiders of Saginaw
Poisonous Pythons Paralyze Pennsylvania
Dinosaurs Destroy Detroit
Minnesota Mall Mannequins
Bionic Bats of Bay City
Nuclear Jellyfish of New Jersey

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, EVERYONE!!!! (Special emphasis to Perry Bly and John Small :)

Missouri Madhouse

Missouri Madhouse

If you thought that this book looked stupid by just looking at the cover, you're right!

Main Characters
Amber, whose believability disappears halfway through the novel, and Courtney and Scott, who disappears into Santa's Village halfway through the novel.

Plot
Amber, Courtney and Scott are three eleven year old children who love to watch gory horror films. (Questionable Parenting Alert) But don't worry, they're not scared by them. What. So, then Courtney informs Amber that since horror films suck, they should go see the "Missouri Madhouse" (titular line), an old mansion that has been around for years and is supposedly scary, which confuses me as to why these horror fans haven't heard of it yet. So, they go to investigate the place that houses strange goings on:

I just couldn't resist.
So, these three are suddenly alerted by Courtney's screaming, who says that there's a gory horror film that is playing through the window and it won't shut off. Well, of course it won't. You don't just have a magic finger that turns it off. Moron. So, then she says that she is only kidding. What a jokester! But wait, I thought that she wasn't scared of those movies. But then I would be speaking logically, which is a no-no for these books. So, then they find a carnival inside. What. So, then they find a boy who tells them that if they wish to leave, they must find Jeffrey, the wizard, who keeps them all inside the house because he wants friends. CREEPY!!!! I think Jeffrey was actually Jeffrey Dahmer. So, they want to leave the funhouse (get it?) So they open a door and arrive at the following:
A forest and ride in a leaf down a waterfall to escape a giant bird
A castle and meet a vampire
A tornado
Santa's Village (yes you heard me correctly)
So, they arrive at the castle and they find a vampire in a coffin, who says "You're not being very polite, won't you stay for a bite?" The kids panic, but soon find that the vampire was inviting them to dinner. What. So, the vampire tells them that Count Dracula's Great Great Great Grandfather's name was Count Poindexter. What. And they arrive at the next place, Santa's Village. The least scariest place in the world. And I quote from the cover: Maximum Chills Guaranteed! So, they meet Santa, who, does not look like this

But instead looks like this,

a ponytail clad thin, tall man with a black goatee and a black business suit. And the guy in the picture who coincidentally happens to fit the "new" description of Santa is Johnathan Rand, by the way. Where does Johanathan Rand get off redefining the look of Santa Claus? One of the most beloved and recognizable public figures of all time. I mean, it's like trying to redefine Coca-cola's formula.

It's CLASSIC. If it isn't broken, DON'T fix it. And that means YOU, Johnathan Rand.
I guess his ponytail and gotee look wasn't popular enough. So, Santa tells the kids that the boy with them, now revealed to be the evil wizard Jeffrey, hasn't been good. Apparently kidnapping will get you on the naughty list.

So, Jeffrey apologizes and sets them free, and Santa puts him on the good list. They soon get a note from Jeffrey saying that the people he freed wanted to stay for some reason and now he has tons of friends. After this, they meet somebody from Pennsylvania who tells them that they had a misadventure with poisonous pythons.... and it was SCARY!!!! But that's another story....

Things I learned from this book
Eleven year olds use the word Lickety-split (I don't even use that word)
American Chillers suck
If you love horror and scary stuff, you somehow aren't aware of a tourist attraction that has been in your town for ages. (what??)
Eleven year olds are allowed to watch gory horror films
Eleven year olds who are not scared by gory horror films fool their friends by saying that they are scared by gory horror films
Ferris wheels and roller coasters can be used in a two story home.
Santa Claus is scary
Tom Sawyer never rode in a giant leaf or got attacked by a big bird
Apparently kidnapping will get you on Santa's naughty list
American Chillers still suck
Vampires like to rhyme
Count Dracula's Great Great Great Grandfather's name was Count Poindexter (what)
Santa Claus does not have a beard and instead has black hair.
Poisonous Pythons of Pennsylvania was a scary book.

Questionable Parenting
Do I even need to say it??? Come on! Letting your eleven year old child watch gory horror films?

Questionable Wizarding
Do I even need to say it??? Come on! Letting Jeffrey kidnap children and force them to live in his realm?

Questionable Childing
Do I even need to say it??? Come on! Letting yourself live in the realm of a mentally unstable wizard? What about your families?

Great Prose Alert
"Tom Sawyer never rode in a giant leaf or got attacked by a big bird!"
News to me.


Great Rhyme Alert
"You're not being very polite, won't you stay for a bite?" The Vampire said. And no, he was inviting them to eat dinner. Cross posted under Great Irony Alert.

SAY WHAT???
There is a vampire in this book, so it LITERALLY sucks.

Who Wants Puns?
I about went mad reading Missouri Madhouse.
I was mad that I didn't get my money back by reading Missouri Madhouse.
Madhouse? With rollercoasters, cotton candy, and ferris wheels, it should be a funhouse!
Missouri Madhouse sucked.

Where have I seen this before alert

Yes, this one is purely ridiculous, but it's pretty silly to put Santa in a children's horror novel.

Well, as long as you're here, do me a favor. Look at John Lithgow on the VHS. He's next to the christmas tree. The illustrator tried to make him evil, but he instead comes off looking constipated.

LOOK AT THIS!!!


The Million Dollar Question
If you thought that this book looked stupid by just looking at the cover, then you've just won a million dollars!

Conclusions
I was Missourible reading the Missouri Madhouse.
I'VE STILL GOT IT FOLKS!!!!

I just can't resist. Watch this clip from Santa Claus: The Movie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwqEpBR0OUU