Dangerous Dolls of Delaware

Well, everyone, it's that time of the month again. Wait a minute, you people are sick! Not THAT time of the month, but the time of the month for a new review! You have to understand that these books are hard to come by in summer and in high school. So, I found a book, Dangerous Dolls of Delaware at Saver's and I whizzed through it. My eyes bled a few times, but that's normal for a Johnathan Rand work. If you have noticed that this article is in italics, let me tell you the reason for it. I noticed in Dangerous Dolls of Delaware that there is at least one italicized sentence on every page. I'll be perfectly honest with you. I was having trouble finding things to say about this book that weren't merely just a bunch of curses and empty threats against the author. I mean, come on, the tagline is: IT ISN'T CHILD'S PLAY!!!!! No, Johnathan Rand. I think it is. The whole book just IS Child's Play with two Chucky's. So, without further ordue, let's dive right into Dangerous Dolls of Delaware.

Main Characters
Serena, whose believability disappears halfway through the book, and Spencer, who disappears into a closet and a bathtub halfway through the novel.


Plot
Serena and Spencer are siblings who live in Camden, Delaware and are digging for worms for fishing because, I don't know, all kids like to fish, I guess, when they strike something that they think is a root. So, they soon discover that is a wooden box that contains two old plaster dolls, a boy and a girl, that are creepy looking. They think that they may be worth something and head home with their neat find when it starts raining. At home, Serena begins to wonder why the dolls were buried. Serena discovers that, wait for it, OMG!!!! The doll winked at her! So, like a rational person, she begins screaming and hurls the doll across the room. Spencer informs her that it is a type of doll that's eyes close and open. Well, who didn't realize that? So, she insists, like a rational person, that the doll's eyes couldn't close and open before, although, since the doll is made of plaster, it would be pretty hard to wink. So, she clearly ignores this and decides to bake for the rest of the day while Spencer fishes. She goes into the living room and, to her shock, discovers the doll gone!
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!! But, don't worry, it's only her cocker spaniel dog, Rufus, who has taken it outside. What, can dogs turn doorknobs? Gee, who would believe that???

Besides, isn't it raining outside?
Here is where I literally screamed with laughter. After spending A WHOLE DAY BAKING AND COOKING, HER MOTHER CALLED AND ASKED THAT THEY EAT A TAKE OUT PIZZA!!!!!! What was she baking???? Invisible roast duck???? After this, Serena tells the reader this:

Those two dolls weren’t ordinary dolls at all.

And if you get spooked easily, you’re probably not going to

want to go any farther. Stop reading. NOW. I mean it.

Because what was about to happen that night still

freaks me out to this very day . . .

You heard me right, folks. THAT was a cliffhanger chapter ending.



If I ever write a biography, this will by MY cliffanger chapter ending:

If only I had followed her warning.
Because now strange things are happening.
I've gone crazy. 
Why?
Because this book sucks so much. 

Well, we can't stop now, so let's keep going. Later that night, Serena puts her dolls on a bookshelf so that Rufus can't get to them. However, she can't sleep because she almost feels as if they are watching her. So she puts the dolls in the closet and discovers a sound coming from her closet! The dolls are telling her that they are coming for her in a cliffhanger chapter ending! She opens the closet in the next cliffhanger chapter ending and she actually continues the sentence onto the next chapter. AND THEN SOMETHING JUMPED OUT AT ME.......... ............SPENCER! WHAT???? NO WAY!!!! BECAUSE IF THERE'S ANYTHING WE KNOW ABOUT JOHNATHAN RAND IT'S THAT HE DOESN'T WAIT UNTIL THE LAST THIRD OF THE BOOK TO ACTUALLY GET THE BALL ROLLING! She then calls her brother a  "screwball" and snarls at him. Who does she think she is? The Wicked Witch of the West?



"I'll get you, my pretty! And your little dolls too!"

Spencer acknowledges this amazing comeback by, as Serena says, looking at her like a  "space alien". Well, you could have made an entire book based on Spencer's encounter with an extraterrestrial being, since she knows what they look like. Is it just me, or is this character's dialogue and conversations with herself really bothering you?but before she can go back to sleep, Serena discovers that the dolls have moved again in a cliffhanger chapter ending. She begins the next chapter with the phrase  "Talk about scared!"" """""""" Have any of you ever used the phrase   "Talk about scared" in conversation? Didn't think so. She begins arguing with herself in italics and begins wondering why the dolls were buried in the first place. She instantly assumes that the dolls are evil, but makes no attempt to get rid of them.
The next day, she has forgotten all about how the dolls moved last night, and goes to the local antiques store to see how much the dolls are worth when the owner begins screaming!!! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG I have to turn the page to see what she was screaming about!!!! Oh, silly me, she was only screaming over a SPIDER!!! WHEN WILL THIS BOOK ACTUALLY INVOLVE THE LIVING DOLLS???? So, the lady tells them that there is a house on the other side of town where a lady collects dolls, who may be able to give them an appraisal.
They arrive at the house, and here comes the dumbest cliffhanger chapter ending EVER.


"Holy cow." Spencer said. At the end of Oak Avenue was the most bizarre-looking house I had ever seen in my entire life. All we could do was stare.


OMG!!!!!! A BIZARRE HOUSE????? SURELY THIS IS THE MOST TERRIFYING THING I HAVE EVER READ!!!! I MUST KEEP READING!


So, they get closer and discover that it looks like a big dollhouse, and they knock on the door, when a GIANT DOLL ANSWERS THE DOOR! At this point, I was sure that this was the direction that Johnathan Rand was taking this book, but at the same time, it could have also been a fake cliffhanger chapter ending, like the last 22. That's right folks, it has been over 22 chapters, and the dolls have not come to life ONCE! So, is it going to be a giant (for some reason) most likely friendly doll who helps them, or is it going to be a fake-out? Your call, bloggers! PLACE YOUR BETS!!!!


However, it is only a person in a doll costume. (?) What a relief. A fake out. I thought that the book would have been as bad as books could possibly get if Rand took that direction. But let's see why she was in the costume, shall we? She reveals that she was wearing a doll costume because she was going to appear in a parade that afternoon and dress up in a doll costume. Okay, where on Earth would you get a DOLL COSTUME????? I mean, I can understand a Jason Voorhees costume, but a doll costume? The lady then tells them that she has over three thousand dolls and has gone as far to model her house as a dollhouse. Okay, that is CREEPY!
Just a bit obsessive.... They then show the dolls to the lady who screams hysterically, shouts for them to get away from the dolls, and instantly calms down and tells them, without any provocation whatsoever, the story of an outcast little girl who was bullied so much, she got two dolls for her birthday, two friends. So, obsessed with her only friends, she began to wish for them to come to life every night. What. One night, they do, I guess, simple as that, and the dolls begin tormenting her instead of the bullies that tormented her. YOU JUST CAN'T WIN! So, the girl buried the dolls and that's that.

Since when did this turn into The Big Tall Wish?


Well, it looks like that there's one less lonely girl.



Johnathan Rand went to all that work creating a backstory for this girl who has nothing whatsoever to do with the plot, and doesn't bother to think of an explanation of why the dolls came to life or turned evil. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?!? The doll hoarder tells them that the dolls become sluggish in water. Wait, how would she possibly know that?
So, the lady tells them to remember her warning and calmly shuts the door. Wait, hasn't anybody remembered the fact that she just fell into a fit of screaming and sends them off with a light warning? So, after this, Serena, ALTHOUGH SHE ALREADY THOUGHT THAT THE DOLLS WERE ALIVE, SHE ACTUALLY KEEPS THE DOLLS!!!! Serena is officially the dumbest person I have ever heard of.


Okay, maybe not as dumb as Brittney Spears, but she's still pretty dumb.
They arrive back home and Serena tells the audience in italics that the night would become much more horrifying. Oh, Serena, it's already VERY horrifying. So Serena and Spencer go upstairs to go to sleep, when, get this, THE DOLLS FINALLY COME TO LIFE!!!!!!! FINALLY!!! AT CHAPTER 30 THEY FINALLY COME TO LIFE!!!! So the girl doll watches them from the attic window, having somehow gotten up to the attic without being seen, wait a minute, come on! How could a doll get to the ceiling to pull down the attic stairs? And even if that wasn't the case, how could it have reached a doorknob? So, Serena and Spencer decide to trap it in the attic. Armed with a blanket and a pail of water, Spencer and Serena go up to the attic to splash the dolls and subdue them in the blanket. Really? That's their master plan? Well, okay. The two dolls proceed to grow GIANT, and, wait for it.... ACTUALLY BEGIN TO FLY!!!!!
Dangerous Dolls of Delaware? More like Flying, Giant, Dangerous Dolls of Delaware. Serena is attacked by one of the dolls:



but Spencer splashes the doll, only to be attacked by the other doll.



Out of water, Serena decides to lure the dolls into the downstairs bathroom, where she throws the dolls into the tub, however, they tell them their plan to, I don't know, either eat them or turn them into dolls or something and drag Spencer into the tub with them. However, just as planned, the dolls get very sluggish and vulnerable, and they are captured where our heroes finally get both dolls inside the box and proceed to bury them. The next night, Spencer is scared out of his wits when a doll comes into his room. However, it was only Serena, who was getting him back for what happened. Ha ha.


If there's one thing I've learned from this book, it's that it is hard to narrate a prank you are doing as if somebody else is doing it. I mean, she told the story like this:

And then the person snuck into his room and pounced on him. How did I know? Because.....

Next Chapter

..... IT WAS ME!!!!
WHAT?? No way!!!! 

Serena and Spencer are grounded and are forced to stay inside because of the mess they made when they were chasing the dolls. Yeah, the house got totally trashed and they can't go outside again until they clean up.

Next Johnathan Rand Book Tie-In Alert
Serena hears that she got an E-Mail and goes in to check it. Yeah, some grounding if you get to use your computer. It turns out that it is from her friend, Mike in Vermont. Yeah, because everybody in Vermont knows people in Delaware. Mike informs her of an urgent story that he must tell her, which he will tell her in his next E-Mail. Wait, why didn't he just tell her there? So, the next E-Mail ties in the next book, Virtual Vampires of Vermont. Yes, just when I think I couldn't have read anything more implausable, just when I was about to slap the "THIS BOOK IS THE MOST IMPROBABLE THING TO EVER BE WRITTEN" sticker on it, this book actually shows you that it isn't the worst. How does a virtual vampire bite you? OOH, HE JUST GAVE ME A COMPUTER VIRUS!!! CURSES!!!!!!!

Johnathan Rand shows that he is down with the kids
Fishing, doll collecting, worms, italics.

Questionable Parenting Alert
Serena's parents ACTUALLY let them go fishing alone, to the house of some creepy doll hoarder and let them keep creepy things that they dug up in the forest. And when Serena is grounded she gets to use the computer! These parents are morons!

Things I Learned from this Book
* It is extremely hard to illustrate a prank you are doing as if somebody else is without giving away who the prankster is until the next chapter.
* Dolls can go up flights of stairs, open a door and arrive in the attic where they are somehow tall enough to reach the window.
* American Chillers suck.
* Dogs can open doorknobs and go outside.
* Dolls can fly.
* Dolls can become giant.
* Dolls can come to life just by kids wishing for it, I guess..... we really don't know their story.... though the story is about them...... but they waited until thirty chapters into the book to even tell us that far.
* Johnathan Rand actually went to the trouble of making a backstory to a bullied little girl that had absolutely nothing to do with the central plot, and he didn't even bother to make an explanation as to why the dolls came to life.
* Kids, despite being warned about evil dolls by a doll hoarder, and despite thinking that the dolls were already supernatural in the first place, will keep the dolls.
* Doll hoarders can scream hysterically and a few minutes later will calmly warn them.
* Doll costumes exist.
* Doll costumes are worn in parades.
* People wear doll costumes around the house.
* You can cook for an entire afternoon, get tired of cooking, and get a pizza.
* You can't fish with dolls.
* It (whatever that is) ISN'T CHILD'S PLAY!!!! (I think it is. This whole book was just a rip off of Child's Play and it's sequels, except that it had two Chucky's.
* There is nothing that kids love to do more than cooking, baking, and fishing.
* Collecting thousands of dolls is perfectly normal.
* A person can only take so much.
* There can be more than five sentences or two paragraphs per page that are written in italics.
* American Chillers still suck.

Record-Breaking alert
Holy crap, Johnathan Rand broke a ton of records in this book. For one, Johnathan Rand had an average of five sentences every page which were italicized. That being said, this book has more italics in it than any other Chillers book I have ever read. Secondly, the main character talks to herself more than a mental patient that has been committed for thirty-two years in seclusion or Coraline from the book Coraline. And that is saying something. This is, in fact, the reason everything is in italics. When someone talks to themselves, it is in italics. And I broke the first ever record on the blog by doing an ENTIRE article in italics! Well, after all, pretty much the entire book was done in italics, so Johnathan Rand outdid me. And I also broke a couple other records. For one, I have more pictures on this review than on any other. This is also the longest review on the blog!
Can I get a WOO-WOO!!!

Say What?
The only thing "Dangerous" about Dangerous Dolls of Delaware is the book itself!

No @#%^ alert
There is lots of things to do in Delaware. For instance, you can go to the beach at Delaware Bay, but only in the Summer. It would be much too cold in the winter! No @#%^!!!!

WELL, THAT EXPLAINS WHY I WAS IN INTENSIVE CARE LAST WINTER!

Great Prose Alert
Too bad I can't fish with dolls.

Cliffhanger Chapter Ending Alert
Standing in the doorway...... was a giant doll.  

Where have I seen this before alert

and

meets


The Million Dollar Question
Can dolls fly and turn giant in any book except one written by Johnathan Rand? If you answered no, then you've just won a million dollars!

Conclusions
This book was an epic facepalm. Words cannot describe how much this book sucks. I don't really even think that you need to read this section, but you HAVE to click on this link to see what I thought:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hfYJsQAhl0
What's so scary about dolls anyway? After all,


THEY ARE CHILDREN'S PLAYTHINGS!