Minnesota Mall Mannequins is the worst of the worst. I'm not goona lie to you, but this is going to hurt. It is really going to hurt so much. Seriously. It's that bad. It wasn't bad at first, then they find a classmate that they said moved away a long time ago that nobody knew anything about at the beginning and he really was captured by the alien mannequins that were made when a comet sent "some sort of electricity" through the tower which somehow connected to every mannequin in the Mall of America and made them come to life. Do you get it either? No.
Main Characters
Jessica Harrison and Rachel Owens, whose belivability disappears halfway through the book and who also disappear into a closet-like room halfway through the book, and Josh, who disappears until halfway through the book.
Plot
The book opens with Jessica Harrison describing her life in Bloomington, Minnesota, a suburban city located in the Minneapolis-St. Paul Twin Cities Metropolitain Area. She tells the reader that it is the location of the universally famous Mall of America. Rand says that it is the biggest mall in the world, but there are, like, ten bigger ones in China. But, I'm willing to overlook that grammatical train wreck since this is a children's book, and, it's not like there could be anything worse in this book, right?
For the answer, click on this link:
For the answer, click on this link:
So, Jessica tells us that the mall features an amusement park that is "seven acres big". Of course, we can ignore that metrical train wreck because this is a children's book, and, it's not like there could be anything worse in this book, right?
For the answer, click on this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4OCojPH-IQ&feature=related
So, Jessica describes to the reader that she never gets to go there because her older brother won't drive her. Yeah, because everyone who lives near a world-famous landmark obviously never gets to go. She then informs us that her school is taking a field trip to the Mall. Um.... why? Get this, for her class that IS DEDICATED ENTIRELY TO TEACHING ELEVEN YEAR OLDS HOW TO MANAGE A STORE!!!!!! What kind of universe does this take place in??? What fifth grader in their right mind would want to learn how to manage a store? ANYWHERE???? Or what school would have that as part of their cirriculum? ANYWHERE???? She then introduces her friend, Rachel Owens, who, as she says, loves clothes.
We love clothes, and we decided that someday we would have our own clothing store . . . maybe even our own line of clothes.
It looks as if Johnathan Rand took out the "Big Book of Stereotypes again for this one. Girls..... liking clothes? WHAT A SHOCK!!!!! Besides, I doubt that Rachel and Jessica will still even KNOW each other when they are adults. Then she says:
"Her favorite outfit is jeans with really fancy shirts."
Wait a minute, that's not an outfit. An outfit is a certain shirt with certain pants with certain shoes and/or certain hats. That's like me saying:
"My favorite food is mashed potatoes with some kind of meat."
Right? Well, anyway, so onto the REALLY bad stuff. They actually think that they can pull off one of the most flawed plans and worst ideas in the history of flawed plans and bad ideas. Jessica tells the reader in a giddy, happy tone that she and Rachel are going to SNEAK AWAY FROM THE GROUP TO LOOK AT CLOTHES!!!!!!!! WHAT??!?!?!?!? If anybody here has EVER been on a school field trip, you should know that practically EVERY FIVE FEET teachers do a headcount! Espescially at a huge place! Wait a minute, what's the point of even going to a shopping mall? Espescially one of the biggest shopping malls on Earth? Did they REALLY think that that wasn't a bad idea? Besides, don't field trips have chaperones, teachers, nametags, headcounts, and mall guards and employees that know that two children shouldn't be wandering around a mall on a weekday? It would be a cinch to get caught! So, they put their plan into action and, get this, a security guard in a blue uniform becomes suspicious and takes them into custody!
WHAT A SHOCK!!!!!
So, the security guard locks them both into a closet-like room and tells them both that they will have to wait until Miss Luchien, the mall manager can "deal with them". This, of course, frightens the world's stupidest protagonists, and they wait until nightfall, when the mall is completely empty. Then they discover an air vent and make their escape right as Miss Luchien and the guard come back. They wind up in Macy's and discover several mannequins coming to life. They finally barricade themselves into an office inside the store and then flee into a clothes rack and where they discover a classmate named Josh huddled inside. What is he doing here? You'll find out now. "Josh, you moved away a month ago!" He knows that. You don't need to remind him. That's right, we never heard ANYTHING about this Josh until now, and they are hurriedly trying to sum up a backstory in conversation. But it isn't working. So, Josh explains that it was actually ALIENS who called the school and told him that Josh is moving. And that's it. Apparently a phone call is all you need to transfer your transcripts and other notices to another school that wasn't even named over the phone! So, Josh asks them without any provocation if they remember when a comet passed over the twin cities a while ago. Well, the reader doesn't. So, he goes on to tell them that the comet sent "some kind of electricity" down an antenna that the aliens constructed prior to the comet's fly-by. What is the comet and what is its signifigance? I don't know, and I never will. But apparently the antenna is connected to every mannequin in the entire mall (that's the only way I can rationalize it) because now they are bent on turning all of the humans in the city into mannequins. How does this help them? I don't know, but either way, humans are goona die. So, the kids fight their way out of the department store and flee through the mall's floors and levels, such as the aquarium, Fish World. Unfortionately, Miss Luchien catches them and brings them down to the mall boilers, where all of the other mannequins have gathered. Miss Luchien orders the mannequins to attach them to the machine that turns them into mannequins. Just in time, they escape, and Miss Luchien gives chase, but orders the mannequins to stay put. They flee through the parking garage and onto the roof where they finally knock over the antenna, smashing it. This apparently causes all of the mannequins to... explode. (?) for some reason. Rachel sets off the fire alarm, where, despite it being in the middle of the night, everyone comes out of the mall. Their plan has worked and they go outside gleefully. The next day at breakfast, they all go over to Rachel's to watch the news coverage. The coverage merely describes the incident as a lightning strike onthe mall. Well, that's great, but how are you going to explain THE EXPLODED MANNEQUINS ALL OVER THE BOILERS?!?!? Oops! But, get this! Rand was too lazy to even think up a reason as to why the mannequins exploded! He just said that there was NO mannequin parts! Apparently, they just magically cleaned themselves up! Well, whatever. Everything is back to normal, and they go back to their lives. Later on, at the lake, they discover a boy from Indiana named Travis, who tells them of an encounter he had with iron insects. This will tie-in the next book, Iron Insects Invade Indiana.
"My favorite food is mashed potatoes with some kind of meat."
Right? Well, anyway, so onto the REALLY bad stuff. They actually think that they can pull off one of the most flawed plans and worst ideas in the history of flawed plans and bad ideas. Jessica tells the reader in a giddy, happy tone that she and Rachel are going to SNEAK AWAY FROM THE GROUP TO LOOK AT CLOTHES!!!!!!!! WHAT??!?!?!?!? If anybody here has EVER been on a school field trip, you should know that practically EVERY FIVE FEET teachers do a headcount! Espescially at a huge place! Wait a minute, what's the point of even going to a shopping mall? Espescially one of the biggest shopping malls on Earth? Did they REALLY think that that wasn't a bad idea? Besides, don't field trips have chaperones, teachers, nametags, headcounts, and mall guards and employees that know that two children shouldn't be wandering around a mall on a weekday? It would be a cinch to get caught! So, they put their plan into action and, get this, a security guard in a blue uniform becomes suspicious and takes them into custody!
WHAT A SHOCK!!!!!
So, the security guard locks them both into a closet-like room and tells them both that they will have to wait until Miss Luchien, the mall manager can "deal with them". This, of course, frightens the world's stupidest protagonists, and they wait until nightfall, when the mall is completely empty. Then they discover an air vent and make their escape right as Miss Luchien and the guard come back. They wind up in Macy's and discover several mannequins coming to life. They finally barricade themselves into an office inside the store and then flee into a clothes rack and where they discover a classmate named Josh huddled inside. What is he doing here? You'll find out now. "Josh, you moved away a month ago!" He knows that. You don't need to remind him. That's right, we never heard ANYTHING about this Josh until now, and they are hurriedly trying to sum up a backstory in conversation. But it isn't working. So, Josh explains that it was actually ALIENS who called the school and told him that Josh is moving. And that's it. Apparently a phone call is all you need to transfer your transcripts and other notices to another school that wasn't even named over the phone! So, Josh asks them without any provocation if they remember when a comet passed over the twin cities a while ago. Well, the reader doesn't. So, he goes on to tell them that the comet sent "some kind of electricity" down an antenna that the aliens constructed prior to the comet's fly-by. What is the comet and what is its signifigance? I don't know, and I never will. But apparently the antenna is connected to every mannequin in the entire mall (that's the only way I can rationalize it) because now they are bent on turning all of the humans in the city into mannequins. How does this help them? I don't know, but either way, humans are goona die. So, the kids fight their way out of the department store and flee through the mall's floors and levels, such as the aquarium, Fish World. Unfortionately, Miss Luchien catches them and brings them down to the mall boilers, where all of the other mannequins have gathered. Miss Luchien orders the mannequins to attach them to the machine that turns them into mannequins. Just in time, they escape, and Miss Luchien gives chase, but orders the mannequins to stay put. They flee through the parking garage and onto the roof where they finally knock over the antenna, smashing it. This apparently causes all of the mannequins to... explode. (?) for some reason. Rachel sets off the fire alarm, where, despite it being in the middle of the night, everyone comes out of the mall. Their plan has worked and they go outside gleefully. The next day at breakfast, they all go over to Rachel's to watch the news coverage. The coverage merely describes the incident as a lightning strike onthe mall. Well, that's great, but how are you going to explain THE EXPLODED MANNEQUINS ALL OVER THE BOILERS?!?!? Oops! But, get this! Rand was too lazy to even think up a reason as to why the mannequins exploded! He just said that there was NO mannequin parts! Apparently, they just magically cleaned themselves up! Well, whatever. Everything is back to normal, and they go back to their lives. Later on, at the lake, they discover a boy from Indiana named Travis, who tells them of an encounter he had with iron insects. This will tie-in the next book, Iron Insects Invade Indiana.
Things I Learned from This Book
* Schools regularly take field trips to shopping malls
* Nobody would notice if aliens put up a giant tower on top of one of the busiest malls in the world.
* Comets are conductors of electricity
* American Chillers suck
* A phone call is all you need to transfer schools.
* Nobody would notice if aliens put up a giant tower on top of one of the busiest malls in the world.
* Comets are conductors of electricity
* American Chillers suck
* A phone call is all you need to transfer schools.
* Despite it being in the middle of the night, the mall still has people in it
* Even if kids are missing late until the night from a school field trip the school will make no effort whatsoever to find them.
* Aliens can appear as everyday humans.
* American Chillers still suck.
* Even if kids are missing late until the night from a school field trip the school will make no effort whatsoever to find them.
* Aliens can appear as everyday humans.
* American Chillers still suck.
Girl Stereotype Alert
We love clothes, and we decided that someday we would have our own clothing store . . . maybe even our own line of clothes.
Cross-posted under Unlikely Career Alert
Say What?
It’s in a part of the country where we have lots of lakes, and four very different seasons: spring, summer, fall, and winter.
WHAT MAKES MINNESOTA SO SPECIAL???? DOESN'T THE REST OF THE WORLD HAVE FOUR SEASONS TOO????
WHAT MAKES MINNESOTA SO SPECIAL???? DOESN'T THE REST OF THE WORLD HAVE FOUR SEASONS TOO????
Great Prose Alert
“Wait in here,” he ordered us in that creepy voice
of his.Questionable Teaching
Taking field trips to a shopping mall?
Cross-posted under BEST TEACHER EVER!!!!!
Who Wants Puns?
This book was Muy Mall!
Where Have I Seen This Before Alert
The Million Dollar Question
Can fifth graders take classes that teach how to manage stores and take field trips to one of the biggest shopping malls in the world and somehow managing to keep track of their students? If you answered no, then you've just won a million dollars!
Conclusions
I don't think that you need to read this part, I mean, aliens, mannequins, kidnapped kids? This is one strange brew that I hope never to read ever again. It isn't scary, suspenseful, funny, or interesting. It's NONE OF THE ABOVE! And I know it's a kid's book, but Goosebumps at least were somewhat believable. I mean, Johnathan Rand put all kinds of monsters in one book!
I actually managed to track Johnathan Rand down and asked him some pretty concrete questions, and got a pretty concrete reason as to why he writes these books:
You can see our argument if you click on this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isKAtFdhu7s&feature=related
I actually managed to track Johnathan Rand down and asked him some pretty concrete questions, and got a pretty concrete reason as to why he writes these books:
You can see our argument if you click on this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isKAtFdhu7s&feature=related
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