Wisconsin Werewolves

American Chillers #7, Wisconsin Werewolves

First off, let me say, Happy Halloween! Please leave a comment telling what you were or did for the holiday. It is, after all, my second favorite holiday. And how was I forced to top it off? Reading another Johnathan Rand novel. My God, I hate this. So, let's dive right into Wisconsin Werewolves.

Main Characters
Jeremy, whose believability disappears halfway through the book, and Colette, who disappears into a forest halfway through the book.

Plot
Our protagonist, Jeremy, begins this wretched children's novella with the phrase:

Hide and seek. That's the game we were playing that night. The night it happened.  

Oh my God! He began this book ominously! But what was the night? Was it Tuesday, Wednesday, or Friday? Describe what 'that night' actually means! So, he is playing hide and seek with his friends, Colette, Stuart, Brian, James, and Tyler in the woods outside his home of Madison, Wisconsin. Well, it looks as if Johnathan Rand pulled out The Big Book of State Capitols again and just looked up Wisconsin. Also, what kind of parents just let their children wander around in the forest after dark? So, Jeremy picks out a hiding spot in a thick bush when he notes all of the wildlife, like owls and bats that he really likes. Wait a minute, did he say BATS? Well, everybody loves bats. After all, they only gave Cujo rabies and terrorized an entire Texas community.

One kid is found and impatiently exclaims that he is missing SpongeBob. Wow. It looks as if The Big Book of State Capitols isn't the only book Johnathan Rand is using, but also The Big Book of Child Stereotypes. So, he's hiding when he hears the growl of some large animal, which freaks him out, therefore giving his place away to the person who is it, Colette. He tries to tell the group about what he heard, but nobody believes him, because everyone knows that there are no wild animals in the forest that make noise. DUH! And his friends begin to savagely taunt him and call him names. Wow, I think it's time for some new friends, Jeremy. Of course, they are suddenly attacked and chased through the forest by a mysterious creature. Our protagonist describes the group as "careening down the trail like a group of wild banshees". Wait a minute, how does an eleven year old even know what a banshee is? Also, he describes how the group would never get out of the forest alive. But, sure enough they do, by "flying" down the trail. Meanwhile, back at the cul-de-sac, all of the kids believe him now and one of the kids actually starts discussing werewolves, and one of them tells the group that the tale that the werewolves can only come out in a full moon is just "an old wive's tale" and that they can come out any night. Wait a minute, HOW DID HE KNOW THAT????? He didn't even think that werewolves were real a few minutes ago! Our protagonist says that "in fact, no human could ever make a sound like that." Well, that's rational, and apparently a fact, too. So, everyone clearly ignores this incident and decide to go inside and act like the whole thing was just a dream and decide to forget about it. Well, you were almost murdered. Of course, slip it under the rug. So, while trying to fall asleep, Jordan looks out the window and sees a werewolf, and it actually starts scratching the window! So, he starts screaming and flees to safety, under his bed. Well, he won't look there! So, his parents come rushing in and tell him that all he saw and heard was a BEETLE!!!! HOW THE CRAP DO YOU CONFUSE THOSE TWO THINGS?????


That's like me confusing a Hummer with a tricycle!

Besides, he just said that what would happen still sends shivers down his spine! So, this kid's afraid of an insect??? The next day, he is told that Colette has wierd footprints all over her yard, and Brian has strange claw marks on his siding, but no footprints. Hmm. Right at this time, Stuart arrives with gauze bandages all over his neck and arms, to which Jeremy exclaims "Holy smoke!". Yeah, because all eleven year olds speak like that. But Stu only fell in the garage last night. What was he doing in the garage? And besides, when is Johnathan Rand actually going to introduce some terror into this book?  So, Colette insists that she never thought that werewolves were "for real". What is this, 1985???
FER SURE!!!!!!
And, after all, werewolves only appear in cheap children's books. Believe it or not, this book actually gets more ridiculous. So, they see a police car at James' house, and instantly assume the worst, but it's only to inspect some damage on their property. Seriously??? ANOTHER FAKE OUT???? So, James comes outside with a paper bag. And they look inside and gasp. That was an entire chapter, practically. What's inside the bag that is so scary? A human heart? No, some HAIR!!! That's right, HAIR. So, everyone starts arguing whether it may be from a dog or something like that. But James assures them that it is much too long, and therefore, must be from a monster. Well, that's rational. So, the kids decide to execute a very flawed plan, in fact, one of the most flawed plans in the hisory of flawed plans. They plan to go into the woods at night, without telling anybody where they are going or without any weapons and take a picture of the wolf and submit it to the police. Yeah, but what if you are all KILLED????? I mean, there are bears, werewolves, racoons, and bats lurking around! And besides, it doesn't help your credibility to be eleven. If you go into a police station and say "We have a picture of a werewolf!" They are not going to waste their time because they have murders and robberies to solve and will simply make you leave. Jeremy asks Colette if she wants to go to the library with him to do research on werewolves, because, you know, there will be so much factual information on something that nobody but children thinks exists. When they arrive, they discover a strange, tall man who claims to be the substitute librarian, while the actual librarian, the friendly and elderly Mrs. Owens, is away. They are wierded out by him because all substitute librarians are SCARY!!!! So, they go to the "werewolf section", because all libaries have that, and suddenly Colette begins terrifyingly screeching in italics that he's watching them. Really? Did that deserve your fear? There are werewolves about and you are afraid of a librarian watching kids??? They flee the library and proceed to "prepare" for the confrontation with the werewolves by doing nothing. Later that night, when there is a full moon, the kids go into the woods and discover that there are TWO werewolves. Wait a minute, why did they come out during a full moon. They just said that werewolves can come out any time, so the full moon really has no signifigance here. They flee without getting a picture. See what I mean by FLAWED PLAN??? They go back to the library the next day and discover that the substitute guy is still there. They soon see that there is a werwolf in the library that is about to attack them. However, the librarian tells them not to be afraid because he is actually a werewolf hunter named Mr. Von Dugan. Wait a minute,WHAT?!?!?!?!

So, they all flee, because that's what werewolf hunters do, and they manage to pick up Von Dugan's book of spells, which they use to defeat the werewolf, which is revealed to be MRS. OWENS!!!!

A TWIST ENDING!!! So, they go outside and discover that it is now nightfall. There they discover the other werewolf, going into the forest. Jeremy says that it is the same forest they came out of. But how many forests are around your neighborhood? Since they know how to stop them, do they do anything? No, they let it get away! So, believing that the problem is solved, they decide to go on with their lives.

Okay, WHAT?????? WHAT??????? WHAT?????? WHAT?????????????? WHAT???????? Really?!?!?! You know there's a werewolf out there, and you're just going to leave it alone???????

So, they ask Mr. Von Dugan if he is German, and he says yes, but says that he is from Lacrosse, but works for Germans. So, in other words, you're not German. So, with a werewolf on the loose, they go fishing. WHAT???? And there Jeremy meets Rachel, from Minnesota, who tells of her encounter of killer mannequins posessed by aliens!!! Yeah, I know. This will be the next book, Minnesota Mall Mannequins, which I have begun to review below.

Things I Learned from this Book

* Kids use the word lickety-split
* Kids use the word drats
* Kids use the phrase holy smoke
* People who are in no way whatsoever German can be German.
* If you know how to defeat werewolves, only defeat one and leave the other one alive to continue to vandalize property and kill people.
* There are zillions of stars that speckle the heavens.
* Werewolves can come out any time, the legend that they can only come out during a full moon is only a wive's tale.
* People who don't believe in werewolves can throw out facts that would be impossible to know unless you have seen one before.
* If you are almost killed by a werewolf, ignore this and casually fall asleep like nothing ever happened.
* If you want to go hunting for werewolves, don't tell anybody where you're going, and don't bring any weapons.
* Beetles can be confused with a six foot tall beast man.
* If you want to learn FACTS about a mythical creature, head to your local library.
* Werewolf hunters can also be substitute librarians.
* Magical spells can break the werewolf curse, not a silver bullet, apparently that's just an old wive's tale, too.
* American Chillers suck.
* All kids love to fish.
* You can go werewolf hunting without any weapons or knowledge of how to stop them.
* Werewolf hunters will flee when faced with a werewolf.
* Eleven-year olds love hide and seek, and watch SpongeBob regularly.
* American Chillers still suck.

Great Prose Alert
Brian's eyes grew to the size of eggs!

Amazing Insult Alert
"You're nutty like a fruitcake!"

Amazing Joke Alert
"Maybe the werewolf was my sister! She can get pretty ugly sometimes!"
Everybody laughed.

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Endings
There's two this time, folks. This is because there were two werewolves in this book!
* If you get scared easily, put this book down, because what was about to happen would scare the daylights out of anyone. Okay, try me. Maybe I won't just put it down, maybe I will burn it, too!
* Stuart let out a blood-curdling scream. Next Chapter: "Why don't you watch where you're going, Stuart?" Colette shrieked "I can't see!" "Well, whose fault is that?" Um, it's not his fault that he can't see, Colette. Maybe you should have brought some flashlights, but you didn't, because you are a very inept werewolf hunter.

Stereotype Alert
Mr. Von Dugan. He's German. Need I say more?

Where Have I Seen This Before Alert

That's right, folks. Not only did The Beast of Bray Road take place in Wisconsin, but it also featured a werewolf! Hmm, now that I think about it, maybe I should have used Pet Semetary Two, because that one had kids, but no werewolves, or maybe Never Cry Werewolf, because that had a werewolf and a werewolf hunter, but no kids.

The Million Dollar Question
Can people who are from Wisconsin and work for Germans be German by default? If you answered no, then you've just won a million dollars!

Conclusions
This book was awful. I mean, really bad. Really, really bad. The plot was ridiculous, and it was hard to read, but I have to admit that Johnathan Rand actually does show what the werewolves have done without actually showing them. And he doesn't use as many fake outs as he usually does. So, this is actually a pretty decent entry, because it doesn't wait until chapter 30 or so to get the action rolling, but you still don't see near enough werewolves, and it still succumbs to all of the Johnathan Rand cliches.