Mississippi Megalodon

I am a pretty big fan of bad movies, like The Room or Birdemic. My special interest is the SyFy channel original movies, the really bad ones like Piranhaconda (I know, sounds like Poisonous Pythons Paralyze Pennsylvania) or MegaPython Vs. Gatoroid. Some of the really bad ones are usually about the sixty foot long prehistoric shark Megalodon, because it is the easiest option for both dinosaur films and giant shark films. A couple of these examples include Megashark vs Giant Octopus, Megashark vs. Crocosaurus, Megalodon, Sharktopus, Shark Attack 3, and Shark Hunter to name a few. These films are usually the worst, because they can do pretty much anything since it's a giant shark. Don't believe me? Check out this cinematic gold.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nzd0R_OeOc

So, when I saw Mississippi Megalodon for the first time, I had to admit, I was actually pretty excited. After all, Johnathan Rand had finally tapped into a large amount of creativity here. He has written about something no other kid’s author has ever done before. Maybe it’s just my liking for the gigantic shark, but then I read the description. The description said that three friends wound up getting trapped in a rowboat all alone in the middle of a lake. How brilliant! Johnathan Rand could finally cook up a really claustrophobic, suspenseful thriller. All the better because he would have to find new ways to keep the reader interested because the kids are trapped in the same location for the whole book.  And he would also find ways for the kids to defend themselves in a seemingly hopeless situation. Sure, the Megalodon could easily just gobble up the entire boat, but, it’s called suspension of disbelief. And I am VERY familiar with that in these books. Does he actually act on such potential? Let’s find out. This is Mississippi Megalodon.

The Main Characters

Robbie and Tara, whose believability disappears halfway through the novel, and Laydon, who disappears into a submarine halfway through the novel.

Plot

Robbie Bridgeman and his friends, siblings Tara and Laydon Phillips love to go out on Robbie’s family rowboat in the nearby lake, Sardis Lake to celebrate Robbie’s 12th birthday. Robbie opens the book in probably the dumbest (albeit hooking) way possible.

Megalodon.

That’s right. He just says Megalodon.

To be fair, Johnathan Rand has never done this before, but still, how would it be like if other authors did this in their books? Like, if Mario Puzo opened The Godfather by saying: The Mafia. Or maybe if Truman Capote opened In Cold Blood by saying: Multiple Murder. Or how about Roald Dahl opening Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by saying: Chocolate? It’s not very imaginative. He tells us how he

did a report on the creature for class and gives a quick sum up of it. The Megalodon is a prehistoric shark that is around sixty feet in length. Although it doesn’t have calcium bones, teeth almost one foot in length have suggested a very large shark. Then he tells them all of the sleepy summer day where he and his friends decided to go fishing out on Sardis Lake outside their town of Sardis Lake, Mississippi. Robbie tosses Tara a life vest, but she winds up falling overboard when she tries to catch it. Robbie and Laydon start to panic, looking all over, but they can’t spot her. While looking through the fog, Robbie spots a large fin, several feet high and wide. Robbie at first begins to panic, worrying that the shark may have gotten Tara. Robbie uses the emergency phone his mother gave him to begin dialing for help. However, right as he is dialing the last number, Tara pops up. It was all a joke to get back at him for missing her with the life vest. Ha-ha.

My God! Pretending to drown? Really ? That ISN’T funny.

Robbie decides that he is seeing things with the shark. And, get this, Tara and Landon actually go back to shore and leave to get dry clothes. I can’t believe this! They all could have left if Robbie stuck with his gut instinct! And now look where you are! In the middle of a lake with a gigantic shark stalking you. Jeez, it’s like Jeepers Creepers 2! They have a chance to escape! And to think, they saw the shark FIRST! Come on! While out on the lake, they wind up catching hold of a very powerful fish. At first, they are excited, as they hoped to catch a big fish. The fish winds up pulling their fishing pole into the depths and the kids start freaking out. Soon the fish resurfaces and Robbie discovers that it is in fact, the legendary Megalodon, who was used in his report for school and several direct-to-video horror films. The fin is several feet high and several feet wide. The kids can’t believe it, and watch in shock as the gigantic shark darts through the water past them, shaking the boat violently, nearly tipping it over. After a while, they hope it will go away, but when it doesn’t, they panic. Knowing that when the shark finally decides to attack the boat, they will all be killed. They figure that the shark mostlikely doesn’t know what it is, and won’t take a risk attacking it until it knows what it is. This will buy them some time and try to formulate a plan. The boat has a small motor and two emergency oars. They decide to take a chance and start up the motor. Unfortionately, the motor doesn’t start.

There’s a shock.

After all, doesn’t that happen in EVERY Friday the 13th movie? What, did the Megalodon destroy the motor?

They then decide to wait until they know for sure that the shark is gone before using the oars, because it may spot them and attack. But the shark doesn’t leave. They are forced to wait. After hours of waiting and near shark attacks, they decide to make a break for it. The shark sees this as a hostile act and attacks. The shark hits the small aluminum boat and destroys it.

I think it looked somewhat like this....

Robbie is a good swimmer, and swims for his life, as he can’t find Tara or Laydon. Suddenly, a submarine pops up from below the surface…

Wait a minute, what am I writing??? What am I writing??? I mean, seriously!!! Johnathan Rand had a truly great plot cooked up! It had the makings of a perfect story! Perfect setting, attack spacing, description of boredom and fear, the feeling of isolation, it was brilliant. And now, this. Now we know for sure that this is a Chillers book. Robbie swims to the sub and the sub picks up Tara and Laydon as well. They wait for a couple seconds and the sub opens and lets them in, quickly descending below the surface. Robbie thanks the driver for saving them, and the driver reveals that she is a local scientist. She was studying fish patterns in the lake or something and discovered the “living fossil”, which apparently was an infant that came from a massive hunk of amber, which must have been unearthed while the lake was being constructed. The shark then grew to adulthood in the lake over the years.

Okay, WHAT????????????????????? What? How many WTFs can I put in one review? First of all, how can a SHARK be covered in tree sap? Second, how big is this tree if it has enough sap to cover a shark?  Does it have a faucet? Third, how on Earth did nobody notice this shark until now? Fourth, how did this shark get stuck in sap? The only reason that there are insects in Amber sometimes is because they get land in the sap and get stuck, forced to sit there until more sap covers them and they suffocate. They are preserved through fossilization. So, did this shark walk underneath a tree and just sit there while it was being covered in sap, which had to have taken several weeks? Fifth, HOW IS THIS SHARK STILL ALIVE?!?!?!? I mean, when something is FOSSILIZED in amber it is killed. Sixth, how are there any fish still left in this lake? The Megalodon ate WHALES!!!! The fish in this lake would be gone in a week! Seventh, how did the amber dissolve? Johnathan Rand, tree sap dissolves. Amber is rock. There is no way amber could dissolve OR the shark could still be alive. Johnathan Rand probably just watched Jurassic Park, because there is no way this could ever happen. I mean, at the very least, he could have said that the shark was frozen in prehistoric water and this was unearthed while digging the lake. It melted and the shark grew from there. At least that would have been somewhat plausible. And even then you would have to suspend your disbelief. But even then you would have only two questions, (how it is still alive and how nobody noticed it until now) not SEVEN.

Well, anyway, the lady tells them that they are trying to research the Megalodon, but it has suffered shock from being introduced to the future all of a sudden and is now acting hostile to protect itself and its territory. The Megalodon begins ramming the sub, partially flooding it and forcing it into emergency power. The shark attacks the sub several times:

Causing everyone to fall over. It's up to Robbie to save them. Yeah, because that would happen.

Robbie pulls the sub up to the surface and escape, right as the helicopters arrive to take the Megalodon away to a research facility. Okay, all we need now is the PETA activists protesting because “Megalodons are people too”. And Robbie and his friends thank the lady and her miracle submarine for saving their lives. Their parents are glad that they are still alive and don’t care about the completely destroyed boat. They go on with business as usual and then meet…. who cares?

 

Things I Learned from This Book

• Sharks can survive fossilization for thousands of years with no oxygen.
• Amber can easily melt away like ice.
• Someone can drive a submarine through a lake without anybody noticing.
• Gigantic sharks can hide from people in a public saltwater lake.
• Sharks who feed on whales can suddenly switch to fish in a lake and have enough to satisfy them for years and nutrition them enough to grow over sixty feet.
• Boat motors will not work when you need them most.
• Megalodons, if released from amber, will suddenly be able to breathe in fresh water. (The only explanation I have for that is evolution, but if evolution is real, it certainly doesn’t happen quickly enough for the shark to be able to breathe when it first is introduced to the water.)

Johnathan Rand Book Reference Alert

Get this, on page TWO he throws it out there. In fact, I had just finished reading a book about Velociraptors in West Virginia. It was a really freaky book.

I can assure you that… it’s NOT. Oh, and we’ll get to that later.

Great Prose Alert

 

My mind spun at light speed.

Cliffhanger Chapter Endings Alert
How do I know Megalodons exist? Because we came face-to-face with one horrifying day last summer…

(Er, you mean to say that a Megalodon exists. How many examples do you know of where sharks were preserved in tree sap? I don’t think that there are more.)

(Next chapter)

Not a bass, bluegill, crappie, or other harmless freshwater fish, but an enormous monster that was lurking in the depths… watching and waiting.

All right… enough.

(Chapter 5)

Tara was right. A little bit of water wasn’t going to hurt us. It was the gigantic beast lurking in the water that we would have to worry about—and we’d be seeing that creature soon enough.

Okay, I got it. 

(Next chapter)

“It looks like the beginning of a scary movie!” Said Landon.

I had no idea how right he would turn out to be.

WE GET IT!!!! THERE’S A MEGALODON IN THE LAKE!!! IT’S IN THE TITLE OF THE FRIGGIN’ BOOK FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! WE DIDN’T FORGET ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Where Have I Seen This Before Alert

I chose this because it involved scientists trapped on an isolated drilling rig after they unwittingly release a Megalodon from a frozen over ocean underneath the Arctic ocean floor.

The Million Dollar Question
Can sharks fossilized in amber be revived when the amber somehow dissolves? If you answered yes, then you didn’t win a million dollars!

Conclusions
This book is really silly, but I really do have to give Johnathan Rand props for trying. You can tell that he put a lot of effort into this one, maybe it’s the plot, maybe it’s the writing, but one thing’s for sure, he definitely cared about this one, like Dinosaurs Destroy Detroit or Iron Insects Invade Indiana. If you ignore the whole impossibility of it, it is a very enjoyable read, and a pretty suspenseful one. Another thing I really like about this one is the fact that the parents actually know what happened to their kids. Unlike in North Dakota Night Dragons, where the parents are completely clueless and know nothing about what their kids went through. In this one, they are glad that their kids are alive and feel a mixture of guilt and shock. All of these factors combine to form one of the only Chillers books I would actually recommend, and one of the best Chillers books, even if it is pretty silly. 

I just can't resist: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhVn1c3lpgY

Coming soon:

• Wicked Velociraptors of West Virginia

• Bionic Bats of Bay City
• Iron Insects Invade Indiana

• Savage Dinosaurs of South Dakota

• Terrible Tractors of Texas
• Terrifying Toys of Tennessee
• Invisible Iguanas of Illinois
• And that one book about Vacuums... we HAVE to review that one!!!