Why is there a squid on the cover?
Okay, this is our first actual post, so bear with us.
Haunting in New Hampshire is quite possibly one of the LEAST plausable books in the entire series. I cannot say that that statement is exaggerated. It is actually pretty good and well written until we actually get to WHY the place is haunted. Johnathan Rand actually does an excellent job describing the house, and how the kids felt about the move. For the first thirty pages or so, I was intrigued, and I could almost feel like I was "inside" the house. But then comes the thing that ruins it all. But you can read all about it here:
Main Characters
Hannah, whose believability disappears halfway through the book, and her brother Clay, who disappears into a trunk one-third of the way through the book.
Plot
Hannah and Clay's family is moving (for some reason, it is never mentioned) to Concord, New Hampshire. Whenever one of his books takes place in Michigan, he does all kinds of research and tells you all about Michigan. Here's what you know about Concord, and I quote: "Concord is the capital of New Hampshire". What? It looks like Johnathan Rand said to himself one night "Well, this doesn't take place in Michigan, so let's just look up the capital and have it take place there." So, anyway, onto the plot. Hannah is quiet and reserved, but Clay, since he isn't a main character, is used for comic relief and does "hilarious" pranks like putting a frog into his pocket. (so funny!) Anyway, the family heads to Concord and starts looking at cheap houses to lease and move into right away. The first of these happens to be a super old mansion, which Hannah has a bad feeling about. (foreshadowing alert) Mr. Hooper, the guy who owns it, invites them in from the rain for a tour. The family finds that the old mansion is very tique, but intriguing. The kind of place with a lot of history.
After all, it is located right next to a cemetery.
You know what they say, location, location, location. This book described Mr. Hooper as over fifty years old, but I'm pretty sure Johnathan Rand meant to say that his first name was Matt and he once went out on the Orca to hunt a Great White Shark with Quint and Chief Brody.
I just couldn't resist.
So, while "exploring" like all curious kids do, the twelve year old Hannah is (get this) FREAKED OUT when she sees a door open by itself! But then Mr. Hooper explains that it's just the floorboards that she was standing on that made it do that. (?) So, apparently doors can open by themselves if you step on a board? So, how does that work? If a board gets stepped on, it goes up. It doesn't turn a doorknob and forcibly swing onto the door, pushing it open. If anything, it would push the door a little higher up.
If you though that was bad, try this. This is seriously one of the lamest "cliffhanger" chapter endings of all time. Let me quote it for you.
"Clay? Clay?" My brother had vanished into thin air!
If you might have guessed, like all of the chapters in every single Johnathan Rand book ever written, this was misleading. I know what you're thinking.
What a shock! You mean to tell me that Clay DIDN'T really vanish into thin air?
Another chapter goes by, which is literally around four to six paragraphs in length, and Hannah hears Clay screaming for help!
Okay, one thing that I've never understood about this book: Why does Hannah instantly assume that ghosts are involved? Is that rational thinking at all? Even if you did believe in ghosts, you wouldn't jump to that conclusion!
Anyway, her brother, who loves to play PRANKS on people, was in fact, believe it or not, PLAYING A PRANK ON HER!!! Except, well it didn't work out too well because he got stuck in the trunk, and instead of jumping out to scare her, pathetically called out for help. That still remains as one of the most pathetic jokes I have ever read. And we were supposed to be scared by it. Hannah sees something white, and like usual, instantly assumes it's a ghost. (another cliffhanger chapter ending.) But it's only a white robe. What. How can you confuse a ghost with a bathrobe?
L-A-M-E.
So, Mr. Hooper tells her "There are no ghosts in this house. Only memories". (Foreshadowing alert) Everybody loves old men that make no sense whatsoever. Then Hannah sees a cat, but then the cat disappears!
And, believe it or not, that was ANOTHER cliffhanger chapter ending. Because nothing makes you turn the page like a disappearing cat. Hannah senses that something is up, so she asks Mr. Hooper about it and he describes the same, cat, only it died decades ago.
A GHOST CAT.
JOHNATHAN RAND ACTUALLY THOUGHT A GHOST CAT WOULD SCARE US.
THIS BOOK FEATURES A GHOST CAT.
A GHOST CAT.
I REPEAT, A GHOST CAT.
Seriously, let that sink in. And I quote from the front cover: Maximum chills guaranteed! Guaranteed? How about a maximum refund? Who would read that chapter ending and be: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!! I MUST KEEP READING TO SEE WHAT TWISTS HE THROWS MY WAY NEXT!!!!
That was so disturbing, in fact, I might have to sleep with the light on for the next four weeks. Anyway, they begin to sign important documents because, and I quote from the mother: "Buying a house isn't like buying milk or bread."
Yeah, the mother felt the need to tell her children, that, believe it or not, buying a house is actually a relatively complicated process. Does she really think that her children don't know this? Because if I buy bread or milk, I don't have to get a mortguage from the bank. Well, anyway, after wasting several paragraphs describing them moving into their new house, she begins experiencing ghosts, but her amazingly supportive family members don't believe her, and tell her that she is "off her rocker". So, then, they decide to watch a movie while ghosts are inhabiting their home.
Later that evening, after her family goes to sleep, Hannah hears some commotion downstairs. She heads downstairs where she discovers that only she can see the ghosts when she spots a whole family of ghosts in their dining room, who somehow clearly don't notice that someone has moved into their own house. (How could you not notice that?) But don't be fooled by how conclusive this seems to the storyline, because Hannah quickly reassures us in a cliffhanger chapter ending that "the bad things were only starting..." So, rest assured that the book, is indeed, not over.
Hannah runs back up to her room and, to her horror, discovers that a ghost is staring at her from the doorway. But, don't worry, it's just her brother, Clay, who she has known for HER ENTIRE LIFE and somehow can't recognize. Yeah, because I confuse my siblings with ghosts ALL THE TIME. Next, Hannah (for whatever reason) then decides to hold the ghost cat, which just walked through a wooden door. Because when your house is filled with ghosts, that's just what you do, I guess. After this, she discovers even more ghosts in the house, and at this point, and I'm not lying here, Hannah figures out that there is a ghost that is, in fact, capable of turning into a... tornado.
Yep, just when you thought this book couldn't possibly get any dumber, a ghost actually turns into a friggin' tornado. After this horrifying? ordeal, the ghosts all leave and Hannah goes to sleep.
But the twist is.....
The next day, she talks to Mr. Hooper, who reveals that there are not any ghosts in the house, only memories. The house remembers things that died long ago.
WHAAAAAAAAAAATT???????????
Is that the big twist for this book? That the "Haunting in New Hampshire" wasn't even a haunting at all? What the hell? After all these years of reading books, I have not ever come across an ending so insultingly, mind-numbingly bad that it involves inanimate objects recreating the past. Let that sink in. A HOUSE is REMEMBERING the good old days.
A HOUSE IS REMEMBERING THE PAST.
JOHNATHAN RAND THOUGHT THAT PEOPLE WOULD ACTUALLY LIKE THIS EXPLANATION.
THIS BOOK ACTUALLY FEATURES A HOUSE THAT HAS A MEMORY.
WHAT?!?!?!?!?
Anyway, Hooper takes away the photos that he left behind and leaves, and the house, for some reason, can no longer remember, so life goes on as usual.
Is this book over yet?
Everything is normal and life seems to be going fine.
That is.... until they meet this kid named Robbie from Mississippi. (Who, for some reason, traveled over twenty states away.)
Robbie scares Hannah in a cliffhanger ending which is something like this:
(Robbie pounces on Hannah)
"Ha! Fooled you!"
"You mean this whole thing is a joke?!?!"
Yes, they just told you that.
And I'm sure you all will be able to guess what happens next. Robbie, who just happened to have his own odd, remarkable supernatural event back in his home state, tells Hannah about it. When Hannah inquires, he says that it would be too silly for her. She says that it wouldn't be, because she just got out of her own phenomenon, where she discovered her house was remembering the past.
You may be thinking, wait, Robbie believed that? Well, yes. Apparently kids who had their own plausible adventures, like discovering a Living Fossil, will automatically believe any supernatural story they hear, even if it sounds as Looney Tunes as that. Robbie then decides to tell her about it, and he goes on to top Hannah's story by telling her his story, and therefore tying in the next book. But that's another story....
I swear to God, these endings are all the same. Like, the exact same. What are the odds of this happening? Well, get used to it, because that's how Rand ties in every book. As if kids who had supernatural experiences would meet other kids who had supernatural experiences, espescially ones from different states.
Okay, this is our first actual post, so bear with us.
Haunting in New Hampshire is quite possibly one of the LEAST plausable books in the entire series. I cannot say that that statement is exaggerated. It is actually pretty good and well written until we actually get to WHY the place is haunted. Johnathan Rand actually does an excellent job describing the house, and how the kids felt about the move. For the first thirty pages or so, I was intrigued, and I could almost feel like I was "inside" the house. But then comes the thing that ruins it all. But you can read all about it here:
Main Characters
Hannah, whose believability disappears halfway through the book, and her brother Clay, who disappears into a trunk one-third of the way through the book.
Plot
Hannah and Clay's family is moving (for some reason, it is never mentioned) to Concord, New Hampshire. Whenever one of his books takes place in Michigan, he does all kinds of research and tells you all about Michigan. Here's what you know about Concord, and I quote: "Concord is the capital of New Hampshire". What? It looks like Johnathan Rand said to himself one night "Well, this doesn't take place in Michigan, so let's just look up the capital and have it take place there." So, anyway, onto the plot. Hannah is quiet and reserved, but Clay, since he isn't a main character, is used for comic relief and does "hilarious" pranks like putting a frog into his pocket. (so funny!) Anyway, the family heads to Concord and starts looking at cheap houses to lease and move into right away. The first of these happens to be a super old mansion, which Hannah has a bad feeling about. (foreshadowing alert) Mr. Hooper, the guy who owns it, invites them in from the rain for a tour. The family finds that the old mansion is very tique, but intriguing. The kind of place with a lot of history.
After all, it is located right next to a cemetery.
You know what they say, location, location, location. This book described Mr. Hooper as over fifty years old, but I'm pretty sure Johnathan Rand meant to say that his first name was Matt and he once went out on the Orca to hunt a Great White Shark with Quint and Chief Brody.
I just couldn't resist.
So, while "exploring" like all curious kids do, the twelve year old Hannah is (get this) FREAKED OUT when she sees a door open by itself! But then Mr. Hooper explains that it's just the floorboards that she was standing on that made it do that. (?) So, apparently doors can open by themselves if you step on a board? So, how does that work? If a board gets stepped on, it goes up. It doesn't turn a doorknob and forcibly swing onto the door, pushing it open. If anything, it would push the door a little higher up.
If you though that was bad, try this. This is seriously one of the lamest "cliffhanger" chapter endings of all time. Let me quote it for you.
"Clay? Clay?" My brother had vanished into thin air!
If you might have guessed, like all of the chapters in every single Johnathan Rand book ever written, this was misleading. I know what you're thinking.
What a shock! You mean to tell me that Clay DIDN'T really vanish into thin air?
Another chapter goes by, which is literally around four to six paragraphs in length, and Hannah hears Clay screaming for help!
Okay, one thing that I've never understood about this book: Why does Hannah instantly assume that ghosts are involved? Is that rational thinking at all? Even if you did believe in ghosts, you wouldn't jump to that conclusion!
Anyway, her brother, who loves to play PRANKS on people, was in fact, believe it or not, PLAYING A PRANK ON HER!!! Except, well it didn't work out too well because he got stuck in the trunk, and instead of jumping out to scare her, pathetically called out for help. That still remains as one of the most pathetic jokes I have ever read. And we were supposed to be scared by it. Hannah sees something white, and like usual, instantly assumes it's a ghost. (another cliffhanger chapter ending.) But it's only a white robe. What. How can you confuse a ghost with a bathrobe?
L-A-M-E.
So, Mr. Hooper tells her "There are no ghosts in this house. Only memories". (Foreshadowing alert) Everybody loves old men that make no sense whatsoever. Then Hannah sees a cat, but then the cat disappears!
And, believe it or not, that was ANOTHER cliffhanger chapter ending. Because nothing makes you turn the page like a disappearing cat. Hannah senses that something is up, so she asks Mr. Hooper about it and he describes the same, cat, only it died decades ago.
A GHOST CAT.
JOHNATHAN RAND ACTUALLY THOUGHT A GHOST CAT WOULD SCARE US.
THIS BOOK FEATURES A GHOST CAT.
A GHOST CAT.
I REPEAT, A GHOST CAT.
Seriously, let that sink in. And I quote from the front cover: Maximum chills guaranteed! Guaranteed? How about a maximum refund? Who would read that chapter ending and be: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!! I MUST KEEP READING TO SEE WHAT TWISTS HE THROWS MY WAY NEXT!!!!
That was so disturbing, in fact, I might have to sleep with the light on for the next four weeks. Anyway, they begin to sign important documents because, and I quote from the mother: "Buying a house isn't like buying milk or bread."
Yeah, the mother felt the need to tell her children, that, believe it or not, buying a house is actually a relatively complicated process. Does she really think that her children don't know this? Because if I buy bread or milk, I don't have to get a mortguage from the bank. Well, anyway, after wasting several paragraphs describing them moving into their new house, she begins experiencing ghosts, but her amazingly supportive family members don't believe her, and tell her that she is "off her rocker". So, then, they decide to watch a movie while ghosts are inhabiting their home.
Later that evening, after her family goes to sleep, Hannah hears some commotion downstairs. She heads downstairs where she discovers that only she can see the ghosts when she spots a whole family of ghosts in their dining room, who somehow clearly don't notice that someone has moved into their own house. (How could you not notice that?) But don't be fooled by how conclusive this seems to the storyline, because Hannah quickly reassures us in a cliffhanger chapter ending that "the bad things were only starting..." So, rest assured that the book, is indeed, not over.
Hannah runs back up to her room and, to her horror, discovers that a ghost is staring at her from the doorway. But, don't worry, it's just her brother, Clay, who she has known for HER ENTIRE LIFE and somehow can't recognize. Yeah, because I confuse my siblings with ghosts ALL THE TIME. Next, Hannah (for whatever reason) then decides to hold the ghost cat, which just walked through a wooden door. Because when your house is filled with ghosts, that's just what you do, I guess. After this, she discovers even more ghosts in the house, and at this point, and I'm not lying here, Hannah figures out that there is a ghost that is, in fact, capable of turning into a... tornado.
Yep, just when you thought this book couldn't possibly get any dumber, a ghost actually turns into a friggin' tornado. After this horrifying? ordeal, the ghosts all leave and Hannah goes to sleep.
But the twist is.....
The next day, she talks to Mr. Hooper, who reveals that there are not any ghosts in the house, only memories. The house remembers things that died long ago.
WHAAAAAAAAAAATT???????????
Is that the big twist for this book? That the "Haunting in New Hampshire" wasn't even a haunting at all? What the hell? After all these years of reading books, I have not ever come across an ending so insultingly, mind-numbingly bad that it involves inanimate objects recreating the past. Let that sink in. A HOUSE is REMEMBERING the good old days.
A HOUSE IS REMEMBERING THE PAST.
JOHNATHAN RAND THOUGHT THAT PEOPLE WOULD ACTUALLY LIKE THIS EXPLANATION.
THIS BOOK ACTUALLY FEATURES A HOUSE THAT HAS A MEMORY.
WHAT?!?!?!?!?
Anyway, Hooper takes away the photos that he left behind and leaves, and the house, for some reason, can no longer remember, so life goes on as usual.
Is this book over yet?
Everything is normal and life seems to be going fine.
That is.... until they meet this kid named Robbie from Mississippi. (Who, for some reason, traveled over twenty states away.)
Robbie scares Hannah in a cliffhanger ending which is something like this:
(Robbie pounces on Hannah)
"Ha! Fooled you!"
"You mean this whole thing is a joke?!?!"
Yes, they just told you that.
And I'm sure you all will be able to guess what happens next. Robbie, who just happened to have his own odd, remarkable supernatural event back in his home state, tells Hannah about it. When Hannah inquires, he says that it would be too silly for her. She says that it wouldn't be, because she just got out of her own phenomenon, where she discovered her house was remembering the past.
You may be thinking, wait, Robbie believed that? Well, yes. Apparently kids who had their own plausible adventures, like discovering a Living Fossil, will automatically believe any supernatural story they hear, even if it sounds as Looney Tunes as that. Robbie then decides to tell her about it, and he goes on to top Hannah's story by telling her his story, and therefore tying in the next book. But that's another story....
I swear to God, these endings are all the same. Like, the exact same. What are the odds of this happening? Well, get used to it, because that's how Rand ties in every book. As if kids who had supernatural experiences would meet other kids who had supernatural experiences, espescially ones from different states.
Misleading and Lame Cliffhanger Chapter Ending Alert:
Here's some cliffhanger endings:
"Sudddenly a black form flew at my face!"
*Next chapter*
"Oh, wait, no, it was just a crow."
*Next chapter*
"Oh, wait, no, it was just a crow."
Johnathan Rand book reference alert:
"I was reading a book. It was about huge sea creatures in South Carolina. It was scary."
He usually does that in every book, for some reason, but in this one, he feels the need to do it TWICE.
"Like that guy who wrote the book I was reading about, it was about giant sea creatures in South Carolina."
Sounds familiar.... The one with the cover showing a monster that does pull ups with its tongue, although it has two perfectly good arms.
Things I learned from this book:
- Houses are (somehow) capable of remembering things. ???
- Floorboards, when stood on, are capable of opening doors.
- White robes look exactly like ghosts to a person who has never seen one before.
- Kids use the word bewildered
- Kids use the word needn't.
- Kids use the word okey dokey.
- A ghost cat is scary.
- Mad snakes can bounce off walls.
- Sea Creatures of South Carolina was a scary book.
- Girls can turn into thin, flexible cyclones.
- You can physically hold a ghost cat.
- Buying a house is not like going buying milk or bread.
- When you have a haunted house on your hands, sit back, make popcorn, and watch a movie.
Impossible Logic
Hannah, despite being terrified of the angry ghosts inhabiting her new home, decides to take a break from being scared and sit down and cuddle up with one of the ghosts: a cat. Despite the fact that the ghost just walked through a wooden door, she holds it with ease, and it somehow does not fall through her arms. So, HOW did she do that??
Who wants puns?
Looks like Clay was the only junk in that trunk!
Johnathan Rand shows that he is down with the kids:
Clay is wearing a shirt that said: Flying monkeys stole my homework! What next, Johnathan Rand, going to have kids run with scissors and begin breaking fragile things?
The children are also seen using the words "needn't" and "bewildered", words you would be more likely to find in a Victorian Charles Dickens novel rather than the everyday American kid's vocabulary.
False Advertising Alert
- Sea Creatures of South Carolina was a scary book.
- Maximum Chills Guaranteed!
When Hannah expresses her concerns about the fact that there just might be ghosts in the house, do Hannah's parents even ask why she thinks that? No. They literally insult her by saying that she is "off her rocker"!! Then they just forget about the concerns of their child and tell her to shut up and come watch the movie. Okayyyy.
Well, to be fair, I have seen worse parenting in these books.
Questionable Realty:
"There are no ghosts here, honey." "I know, mom. Mr. Hooper said so."
So, wait, if someone wanted to sell you their house, they wouldn't TELL you that it's haunted!!!
Well, it's a fixer upper, you need some new mirrors, some new cabinets, and the ghostsbusters, because this place has more angry souls than the Amityville House!!!!
Great Prose Alert:
"Suddenly, the girl transformed into a thin, flexible tornado, about the width of my wrist, and began bouncing off the walls like a snake gone mad!!!"
Well, I didn't know that mad snakes could jump off walls.
Where have I seen this before alert:
Two kids who move to a small town into a creepy old house that is filled with dead people? Who would have thought of that? Oh, wait. R.L. Stine did.
The Million Dollar Question:
Does Johnathan Rand have potential? If he does, he isn't using it.
If you answered yes, you've just won a million dollars!
Conclusions:
Interesting and surprisingly quite good at first, but it turned out to be....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLwc9lbJlIQ
pog
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