Okay, this is a list of Chillers books. *Gag* I never thought I'd see the day where I would be writing this post, but here it is:
#5: Poisonous Pythons Paralyze Pennsylvania:
This book is pretty bad, but this is the best I could find. (That's how bad this series is) So, this book is about a kid who finds a python skin (?) in a Pennsylvania swamp. (What??? Pythons in a swamp (?) in Pennsylvania??? So, they take it to a pet store (Yeah that's smart. Ask the teenager working minimum wage for advice on a twenty-seven foot reptile.) Turns out, that this guy is working with the local scientist (?) who lost them from his exhibit. This scientist takes back the pythons, and reveals that, for some reason, he engineered them to be poisonous. Way to create the ultimate super weapon, buddy. But wait, the teeth of a python are maybe a half an inch long, so the poison wouldn't do very well. Wait! Here I am, asking logical questions again. So, the pythons escape from this guy's "heavily guarded" lab AGAIN and they escape into the swamp. Go figure. So, he takes out a cannister of knock out gas (or something like that) disguised as a fire extinguisher (?) Why did he do that? What was the point? To get it past airport security? Nice, Johnathan Rand. What's next? A power saw disguised as a corn dog? So, then comes the actually somewhat exciting chase for these two poisonous non-poisonous reptiles. No, it doesn't make any sense to me either.
#4: Terrible Tractors of Texas
This book is actually somewhat suspenseful and deep. It is about a Texas farmhand named Jake who finds that experimental fuel is being loaded into their tractors. His friends come over to stay the weekend, but soon Jake notices that the tractors are behaving rather strangely. Soon, the tractors come to life, go nuts and begin destroying the farm. They must find a way to stop them, including a bulldozer (Okay, Johnathan Rand has obviously never been to a farm. I don't live on a farm, but I have been to tons, and I know that bulldozers = construction sites, and tractors = farms.) The book is actually pretty well-written, doesn't use as much fake-outs, and does a pretty decent job of keeping you interested, all the while not succumbing to very many Johnathan Rand cliches.
#3: Invisible Iguanas of Illinois
This is another somewhat high quality book (for this series anyway) and it deals with two iguanas that are watched by these two kids while their owner is away. This stupid kid orders invisibility powder from a comic, and it winds up ACTUALLY working. (wait a minute, they sell actual invisibility powder in the back of comic books???? Why it isn't used by the military I don't know. In fact, in the movie Hollow Man, even for scientists working for the military on invisibility, it was nearly IMPOSSIBLE to get the formula to work, and the lack of sleep and pain from the transformation drove the guy insane! Nice one, Rand.) So, the kid leaves the stuff out and the iguanas get to it somehow and wind up growing (?) and get wings. What. Now, this book, like Terrible Tractors of Texas, doesn't use as much fake-outs, almost gets right to the action, and does a pretty good job of keeping you interested.
#2: Dinosaurs Destroy Detroit
This book is silly, but still suspenseful. Because his possibly senile grandfather told him it would be there at an exact time at the exact place, Nick discovers a time portal outside Detroit, Michigan. (another thing, all of Rand's books (save American chillers) take place in Michigan, because he lives in Michigan.) Well, he and his friend Summer are nearly trapped in the past, and decide to bring a baby T-Rex into the future, and don't bother to tell his parents. OKAY, WHAT?!?!? WHAT?!?! Seriously, they go into this rip of the space-time continuom, not knowing WHERE it leads, and are almost KILLED, and bring a DINOSAUR into the future with plans of selling it for profit!!!!!!
I think that Jurassic Park III said it best:
"You STOLE raptor eggs?"
"Yes, but you've got to believe me, I did it so we could fund the dig site. I had the best intentions!"
"Billy, some of the WORST THINGS IMAGINABLE have been done with the best intentions."
Well, anyway, soon there are two twenty foot T-Rex's that come into Detroit looking for their baby.
For some reason, I don't get why the National Guard couldn't take out two twenty foot dinosaurs. But, here I am, speaking logically, and like I said, a no-no. Anyway, he drives his bike through a drive-thru that is somehow still open despite the dinosaur attacks, (what.) and he gets cheeseburgers to lure the dinosaurs back. For some reason, the T-Rex's follow the scent, although their sight is based on movement, not smell, but here I am, speaking logically. So, the world is saved, and then he meets someone else who tees off the next book by "topping" his story with another creepy story. By the way, that happens in all of the books.
AND THE NUMBER ONE JOHNATHAN RAND BOOK IS:
Iron Insects Invade Indiana
This book is actually somewhat plausable, despite the fact that there are TWO, count 'em, TWO mad scientists. It seems like every one of Rand's books has a mad scientist. One is a good toy scientist, the other is his bitter relative who tricks his employees into building robotic insect parts under the promise that they are band instrument parts. Well, anyway, these two kids are faced with a plot to destroy the city of Elkhart with a swarm of robot insects. Wait a minute, if you were making robots, why not make a robot monster that can destroy the city much easier. Well, then it wouldn't start with I, so I guess that that would be out. And wait, I am speaking logically, and that is a BIG no-no for these books. But, the book is still a fun, suspenseful, gritty, realistic read, and one of the only books that actually could happen in real life. It keeps you interested, you feel with the characters, and you are actually suspensed!!!
COMING SOON:
Mississippi Megalodon
Invisible Iguanas of Illinois
Bionic Bats of Bay City
Iron Insects Invade Indiana
Poisonous Pythons Paralyze Pennsylvania
Terrible Tractors of Texas
Savage Dinosaurs of South Dakota
Wicked Velociraptors of West Virginia
Terrifying Toys of Tennessee
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