Kreepy Klowns of Kalamazoo

Johnathan Rand 101:
Okay, klass, take out a notebook, your number two pencils, put on your "thinking kaps", and put away any electronic devices. Except, of kourse, for this computer. This is an online kourse, after all. First off, look at the picture I have graciously provided you with above. Do you see the title? Kreepy Klowns of Kalamazoo. Okay, when I first saw this book title, I just laughed. I just laughed. Johnathan Rand has done a lot of krap, but this has to be his klowning achievement. Seriously. If you have read other reviews on his books, you should know by now that the titles of his books have to have the subject, what it is like, and what the subject is doing all start with the same letter. Why? I don't know. Some questions will never be answered. Did he think it was a klever gimmick? Did he think kids would remember these titles? Did he think that he was really identifying with his target audience by making the titles ridiculous??? Okay, take Goosebumps, for example. Stay out of the Basement. Kreepy title, grips you as to what is going to happen next. Same with Don't Go to Sleep, A Night in Terror Tower, or The Scarecrow Walks at Midnight. With Johnathan Rand, he pretty much dooms the book from the start because he is desperately struggling to come up with a "Klever" title, which in turn, hinders what he can do with the plot. In American Khillers, we get "Invisible Iguanas of Illinois", "Virtual Vampires of Vermont", "Kreepy Kondors of Kalifornia", "Vicious Vacuums of Virginia", and even "Nuclear Jellyfish of New Jersey". In this review, Johnathan Rand is writing about Kalamazoo, Michigan for his spin-off series that takes place in his home state, Michigan Chillers. In this case, he actually needs to spell a word wrong because there aren't very many "kreepy" nouns that begin with the letter "K". So, he decides, that since words that already sound the same just HAVE to begin the same as the place it is taking place in, to spell kreepy wrong as well. So, next he decides that, with a kop-out like that, he has to justify it somehow. So, before even thinking up the plot, he dreams up some German-Swedish-French (???) guy named Klaus VonKlown. (Yeah, because VonKlown is the most kommon surname in Europe. What, is he taking stereotypes straight from Bram Stoker's Dracula?) So, let's recap the writing process of Johnathan Rand.

• First, he must either think up ridiculous adjectives or nouns that begin with the same letter as the setting, and if he cannot think up words that start the same, he must actually khange the words themselves so they kan look the same.
• Next, and remember, this is optional, should he use such a kop out, he must decide how such a kop out kan be justified. Since he has already intentionally spelled two words wrong just for the heck of it, and stereotyped an entire kontinent, he decides that now he kan justify khanging two words that ALREADY begin with the same sound as "K" so they can start with "K", because, apparently, the guy will name his creations and what they are like after the spelling of his name. But remember, this is a kop out. It doesn't HAVE to be realistic.
• And, now he must kreate the plot. So, he has the guy, who has already decided on his profession based on his last name.... you tell me how that works, kreate something unrealistic, not give it enough backstory, and make it evil for no reason. And now you are ready to kook up a Johnathan Rand novel!

Are there any questions? No? I can see you are already frozen in absolute terror as to what our example has already shown you of this book. Don't bother trying to leave. I have already locked all of the doors. Don't bother trying to call 911, or I'll kill your mother. And don't attempt to scream for help, because I have hidden explosives under your khair. Like Oprah, you know, if she should someday suffer some kind of a psychotic break and go on a killing spree. So, without further or due, let's get on with Kreepy Klowns of Kalamazoo.

Main Characters
Kayleigh, whose believability disappears halfway through the novel, and her friend Andy, who disappears into a prop koffin halfway through the novel.

Plot
You see, whenever Johnathan Rand writes a book that takes place in Michigan, he does all sorts of research and tells you all kinds of Michigan Trivia you never even asked for in the first place. Whenever he does a book about other states, he almost always has it take place in the state kapitol, and makes wild accusations and steretotypes against the people that live there. What's that? You need an example? Every book so far that has taken place in the midwest took place on a farm, OUTSIDE the state kapitol, that's what I mean. The book opens up with Kayleigh describing the kity of Kalamazoo, Michigan. Then she says that she loves the karnival, or did, until she met the Klowns. And yes, Klowns with a K, and they are named that for the stupidest reason ever, I will get to that later. Kayleigh arrives at the karnival and, while paying for her tickets, she discovers a klown in the toll booth. Because, you know, all of the klowns in the kircus take turns taking tickets, rather than kreating joyous fun. Yeah, you know they must be kagey in there! So, when the klown says 'enjoy the rides' in a low voice, Kaylee is deeply unsettled, some-how. OH, another thing with Johnathan Rand, although the book is about Klowns, Rand believes that kids are stupid, and won't know who the antagonists are unless he hints it to them. Because, you know, kids forget who they are supposed to be afraid of three chapters in to the book. Therefore, his pathetic attempts at foreboding are rendered silly because he cannot think up a way to justify the 'Kreepy' feeling the kharacter feels. His attempts at being kreepy are just stupid and rushed. So, the khild and Andy begin walking around the karnival. But, Kayleigh is suspicious and decides to go snooping, rather than karelessly enjoying what the karnival has to offer, like she should be doing. Okay, that's defenitely not enjoying the rides.
The nosy khild finds some klowns and nonchelantly follows them. One of the clowns pours a glass of green liquid. The clown is distracted and walks away with the others. Kayleigh uses this opportunity to go over unobserved and.... smell the beverage? Why is she curious as to what this guy is drinking? Kayleigh discovers that the liquid is green and smells very strong. Unfortionately, she spills it, and it instantly kills the grass!

Okay, what does this plot thread have to do with anything? We are, like, 20 khapters into this book and there isn't even a whisper about klowns being dangerous! There is no terror here!!! There were supposed to be "KREEPY" klowns in this, right? Suddenly, a man named Klaus VonKlown (???) shows up and scolds the child for trying to drink it, which she "obviously" wasn't doing. Yeah, how dare he scold her for stalking the klowns and breaking his glasses? How dare he?! They are booted out of the area, but like persistant little ants, the two decide to come back and investigate further.
The klowns are arguing about something, but she doesn't know what. She goes kloser with Andy and hears the klowns angrily arguing over whether or not they should "kill them all". However, in the next chapter, they were only talking about ANTS. Okay, I am DONE with the fake-outs, Johnathan Rand! WHEN WILL YOU ACTUALLY MAKE THIS BOOK SERIOUS?!? Kayleigh then kalms down, only to jump to further konclusions when she discovers one of the klowns karrying a knife, but don't worry, it's only a BUTTER KNIFE!!!!!! Okay, these kliffhanger khapter ending fake-outs aren't even believable anymore!!!

YOU KAN HAVE EITHER THIS:
 +
OR THIS:
  +

HOW KOULD KAYLEIGH SEE THE KLOWNS LIKE THAT, THOUGH NOT EVEN THE READER DOES!!! Plus, if the klowns don't seem to plan on killing people, what makes you think that they will in the next scene???
So, yeah. This is what we're in for, folks. Another thirty chapters of fake outs. The klowns use the butter knife to make a sandwich of old radio parts, with a glass of battery acid. which was the liquid Kayleigh spilled. Um, okay. Let's just go with that. They flee from the klowns when they see them and hide in a haunted house tent, where they wind up getting trapped in a coffin. The klown lets them out, presumably to attack them, but Kayleigh and Andy knock the klown's head off in panic. That's right, folks. He knocked the head off of the klown. Apparently this means that that klown wasn't human. Or, was it a distraction while the real klowns do something dastardly? Or are they all robots? Was that klown a person that they just killed? What's real and what's not?
Klownception!


After we are presented with that incredibly konfusing plot point where Andy discovered that one of the klowns is a robot, Klaus VonKlown, the owner of the karnival, I guess, arrives and informs Kayleigh that the klowns are really just all robots. The klowns only "eat" old radio parts and drink battery acid, because they don't have a digestive system that kan tolerate human food. Well, except bread, since they made a sandwich. THINK!!!! And why do they even eat anything? In order to actually get energy from something it has to have calories and nutritional value. I may not be a dietician, but I'm pretty sure that radio parts and battery acid DO NOT have nutritional value. Why don't the kids stumble upon the klowns plugging themselves in or replacing their batteries? That is how every robot is supposed to work. Try dumping some old radio parts down your gas tank. Won't work out so well to power your car, will it? Also, these somehow miraculously advanced androids that can walk, talk and even do normal activities so realistically that everybody believes that they are normal klowns. How is that possible? Those aren't even perfected by NASA yet. I guess that the private sector really is more efficient.
That was my first political joke on this blog! And you have witnessed it! Lucky you! What do you think?

Thanks. Anyway,  no wonder the unemployment is so high! People are building ROBOTS, therefore outsourcing klowns and toll booth workers!!!! Well, we already do have self supermarkets, self checkouts, and self bartenders. But it would be nearly impossible to build one, let alone a couple dozen, robotic klowns that walk, talk, take tickets, drink, eat, and kill ants. This is a sign that payroll taxes are too high! People have to pay taxes to hire, people have to pay taxes to work! But what do you expect from a government that charges a dollar a stamp? Of kourse, since this is a "scary" book, the klowns go postal and Kayleigh soon discovers that the 'Klowns' are planning on getting everybody inside the gravitron to steal their "life energy" (whatever that is). That's strange. It looks as if the gravitron was equipped with the handy life energy machine on it. Either that, or the klowns built it themselves somehow, but they would have to be intelligent to do that. Look, just don't think about it too much, your brain will explode.

They manage to trick the robots into getting into the gravitron and as the gravitron spins faster and faster, and I'm not even kidding here, their heads all explode one by one. Well, I suppose that makes sense.
You see, I was spinning around on the merry-go-round the other day and my friend Chris's head just exploded! I couldn't believe it!

So, what, is the gravitron a scanner?


With the homicidal, apparently self-aware klowns destroyed, Klaus realizes that it was maybe a BAD idea to let artificially intelligent robots run off of radio parts and what I kan only assume are human souls, take over the entire karnival. Klaus thanks them for destroying, probably billions of dollars in property and probably dooming the carnival into bankruptcy, because, you know, a ton of people almost died. Klaus gives them free passes for next year. And they are actually excited about that. WHAT?!?!?! If that happened to me, I would be like, "No thanks, you krazy son of a parent! What are you going to have next year? An army of robot funnel cake vendors?!?!?" So, they go home and she komes face to face with --- a klown!!!!!

But, hold on. HOLD ON!!! WHAT WOULD A KLOWN BE DOING IN HER HOUSE??? What, did he find the key in the little plastic rock? All of the klowns are DEAD and Johnathan Rand thinks that we would fall for that lame fake out? BUT it could always be real, though there are only three pages left in the book, and the book is told in flashback form by Kayleigh, so the klown will probably kill her and escape narrowly from the kops, right?
But don't worry, it's her birthday, so it's okay. Oh. Would have been nice to know it was your birthday. Honestly, I think Johnathan Rand was desperate to finish the book so he could pay the rent. So, he jotted down that cliffhanger chapter ending. She then meets Nick, a boy from Detroit, who had an adventure with dinosaurs. But that's another story....

OKAY, this book was one big

EPIC FAIL!!!!!

I don't know if I should give this to a priest to perform an exorcism! This whole thing was one big facepalm! I think I need therapy!!! I HONESTLY think I need therapy! The plot is absurd, the characters are annoying, the ending is a MAJOR letdown, and the book is just annoying! The book is unforgettable, because it is so stupid! Definitely one of Rand's worst, next to Sinister Spiders of Saginaw. But that's another story....

Things I learned from this book

• Robot klowns are NOT scary
• Europeans, although they stopped doing this eons ago, still decide professions based on last names. So, Klaus VonKlown builds robot klowns, I guess because his name is VonKlown. Was it his destiny's kalling?
• If you are going to build robot klowns for a living, make sure to khange the spelling of 'clown' to fit your own last name.
• Michigan Khillers suck
• Robot Klowns need "life energy" (whatever that is)
• These klowns are the reason for the high unemployment rates
• VonKlown is a legitimate surname. And I thought that Dr. Von Doom was a stretch...
• You kan konfuse butter knives with lethal weapons.
• It is really hard to find nouns and adjectives that begin with "K"
• If you kannot find adjectives or nounds that begin with "K", you kan always khange the spelling of them.
• Tongue twister titles are totally troublesome to think of. (Took me ten minutes)
• Gravitrons are equipped with machines that steal life energy
• I actually didn't learn what life energy is from this book
• Michigan Khillers still suck

Questionable Klowning
So, the klowns run toll booths, although toll booths are not meant to be run by klowns... that's like having a butcher deliver your mail! And, apparently, stealing souls and energy from people is not nice.

Where Have I seen this before alert

Okay, the only reason I khose this kult film is because the klown on the kover looks exactly like the middle klown on the kover of the book. Kheck it out.


Stereotype Alert
Do I even need to say it? Klaus VonKlown????

Great Prose Alert
"No more clowning around, Kayleigh." The clown growled.

Kliffhanger Khapter Ending Alert
* The klown was holding a knife! *next khapter* Wait, it's only a butter knife! How do you not notice that?

Guess which book this is from!
This is a new feature where readers kan guess what book this is from by reading a specific sentence from a book! Tell me what it is from!

There, at my feet, was the klown's head.

Believe it or not, this is actually from Kreepy Klowns of Kalamazoo. Tell me that if I showed you this line, you would instantly guess Kreepy Klowns of Kalamazoo!

Say What????
In the words of my good friend, Eli Suchowacky, "20 pages into this book and I want to throw it into the garbage!!!"

Obscure 80s Horror Film Reference Alert
This picture:

is a still from the infamous "head explosion" scene from David Cronenberg's classic b-movie Scanners. This is why I called the gravitron a scanner, because it made the robots' heads explode.

I can see that you are all eager to watch this film, but I'll spare you a couple bucks by showing you the link for the head explosion scene. WARNING: this scene is graphic, and if you have a weak stomach do not watch. This is why I posted the still of the guy in pain so you wouldn't have to see it. Although it would have been much funnier if you saw it firsthand in a still because then you would have gotten the reference right away, unless you are a fan of the film already. But that's a risk I'm willing to take. Children could be reading this, after all. Watch at your own risk.

Here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdwPGZi-3yQ

The Million Dollar Question
Do the Klowns ever get sick of old radio parts and eat new radio parts? If you answered no, then you've just won a million dollars!

Conclusions
Kreepy? More like KRAPPY!!!!

Father's Day Surprise Alert
COMING SOON
REVIEWS ON:
Sinister Spiders of Saginaw
Poisonous Pythons Paralyze Pennsylvania
Dinosaurs Destroy Detroit
Minnesota Mall Mannequins
Bionic Bats of Bay City
Nuclear Jellyfish of New Jersey

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, EVERYONE!!!! (Special emphasis to Perry Bly and John Small :)