Missouri Madhouse

Missouri Madhouse

If you thought that this book looked stupid by just looking at the cover, you're right!

Main Characters
Amber, whose believability disappears halfway through the novel, and Courtney and Scott, who disappears into Santa's Village halfway through the novel.

Plot
Amber, Courtney and Scott are three eleven year old children who love to watch gory horror films. (Questionable Parenting Alert) But don't worry, they're not scared by them. What. So, then Courtney informs Amber that since horror films suck, they should go see the "Missouri Madhouse" (titular line), an old mansion that has been around for years and is supposedly scary, which confuses me as to why these horror fans haven't heard of it yet. So, they go to investigate the place that houses strange goings on:

I just couldn't resist.
So, these three are suddenly alerted by Courtney's screaming, who says that there's a gory horror film that is playing through the window and it won't shut off. Well, of course it won't. You don't just have a magic finger that turns it off. Moron. So, then she says that she is only kidding. What a jokester! But wait, I thought that she wasn't scared of those movies. But then I would be speaking logically, which is a no-no for these books. So, then they find a carnival inside. What. So, then they find a boy who tells them that if they wish to leave, they must find Jeffrey, the wizard, who keeps them all inside the house because he wants friends. CREEPY!!!! I think Jeffrey was actually Jeffrey Dahmer. So, they want to leave the funhouse (get it?) So they open a door and arrive at the following:
A forest and ride in a leaf down a waterfall to escape a giant bird
A castle and meet a vampire
A tornado
Santa's Village (yes you heard me correctly)
So, they arrive at the castle and they find a vampire in a coffin, who says "You're not being very polite, won't you stay for a bite?" The kids panic, but soon find that the vampire was inviting them to dinner. What. So, the vampire tells them that Count Dracula's Great Great Great Grandfather's name was Count Poindexter. What. And they arrive at the next place, Santa's Village. The least scariest place in the world. And I quote from the cover: Maximum Chills Guaranteed! So, they meet Santa, who, does not look like this

But instead looks like this,

a ponytail clad thin, tall man with a black goatee and a black business suit. And the guy in the picture who coincidentally happens to fit the "new" description of Santa is Johnathan Rand, by the way. Where does Johanathan Rand get off redefining the look of Santa Claus? One of the most beloved and recognizable public figures of all time. I mean, it's like trying to redefine Coca-cola's formula.

It's CLASSIC. If it isn't broken, DON'T fix it. And that means YOU, Johnathan Rand.
I guess his ponytail and gotee look wasn't popular enough. So, Santa tells the kids that the boy with them, now revealed to be the evil wizard Jeffrey, hasn't been good. Apparently kidnapping will get you on the naughty list.

So, Jeffrey apologizes and sets them free, and Santa puts him on the good list. They soon get a note from Jeffrey saying that the people he freed wanted to stay for some reason and now he has tons of friends. After this, they meet somebody from Pennsylvania who tells them that they had a misadventure with poisonous pythons.... and it was SCARY!!!! But that's another story....

Things I learned from this book
Eleven year olds use the word Lickety-split (I don't even use that word)
American Chillers suck
If you love horror and scary stuff, you somehow aren't aware of a tourist attraction that has been in your town for ages. (what??)
Eleven year olds are allowed to watch gory horror films
Eleven year olds who are not scared by gory horror films fool their friends by saying that they are scared by gory horror films
Ferris wheels and roller coasters can be used in a two story home.
Santa Claus is scary
Tom Sawyer never rode in a giant leaf or got attacked by a big bird
Apparently kidnapping will get you on Santa's naughty list
American Chillers still suck
Vampires like to rhyme
Count Dracula's Great Great Great Grandfather's name was Count Poindexter (what)
Santa Claus does not have a beard and instead has black hair.
Poisonous Pythons of Pennsylvania was a scary book.

Questionable Parenting
Do I even need to say it??? Come on! Letting your eleven year old child watch gory horror films?

Questionable Wizarding
Do I even need to say it??? Come on! Letting Jeffrey kidnap children and force them to live in his realm?

Questionable Childing
Do I even need to say it??? Come on! Letting yourself live in the realm of a mentally unstable wizard? What about your families?

Great Prose Alert
"Tom Sawyer never rode in a giant leaf or got attacked by a big bird!"
News to me.


Great Rhyme Alert
"You're not being very polite, won't you stay for a bite?" The Vampire said. And no, he was inviting them to eat dinner. Cross posted under Great Irony Alert.

SAY WHAT???
There is a vampire in this book, so it LITERALLY sucks.

Who Wants Puns?
I about went mad reading Missouri Madhouse.
I was mad that I didn't get my money back by reading Missouri Madhouse.
Madhouse? With rollercoasters, cotton candy, and ferris wheels, it should be a funhouse!
Missouri Madhouse sucked.

Where have I seen this before alert

Yes, this one is purely ridiculous, but it's pretty silly to put Santa in a children's horror novel.

Well, as long as you're here, do me a favor. Look at John Lithgow on the VHS. He's next to the christmas tree. The illustrator tried to make him evil, but he instead comes off looking constipated.

LOOK AT THIS!!!


The Million Dollar Question
If you thought that this book looked stupid by just looking at the cover, then you've just won a million dollars!

Conclusions
I was Missourible reading the Missouri Madhouse.
I'VE STILL GOT IT FOLKS!!!!

I just can't resist. Watch this clip from Santa Claus: The Movie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwqEpBR0OUU