Happy (be-lated) birthday to the author we love to hate...

It would seem that today is a special day.

That's right! The day after Johnathan Rand's birthday.

You see, I was unable to access the blog yesterday but I did post a little something on my Facebook page wishing Johnathan Rand a very happy birthday. Since a birthday is virtually every holiday combined (seriously, you get presents, a meal of your choice, the whole she-bang), I feel it necessary to wish Rand a birthday on the 25th of November, despite the fact that he was born yesterday.

Happy birthday, big guy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W12NxRQdSb8

PS: It would seem that we have more Chillers books on the way!! The Wicked Waterpark of Wyoming is just the latest book coming out. Can't wait to get my hands on a copy. Also from Michigan Chillers: Catastrophe in Caseville (about a giant killer cheeseburger, no, not kidding) and more Freddie Fernortner books.

No more Fernortner, please. PLEASE!!!

Wicked Velociraptors of West Virginia

New post!!! OMFG!!!!!1

Yes, it has been a while since I've blogged about these downright horrible books, and although a great many of them aren't all that bad, this one is.... terrible. And I'm not even exaggerating when I say that. This book is so mindnumbingly boring, nothing ever happens. The titular velociraptors never run amok, only staying inside one laboratory. I just read this one recently and I haven't got around to doing a review until now. In fact, this was one of the first Chillers books the esteemed co-author of this blog, Chris Bly, read. So, as you might have guessed, it wasn't a very good first impression. So, let's get on with this piece of garbage, this is one of the worst. Let's dive right into Wicked Velociraptors of West Virginia.

The Main Characters
Brandon and Kara, who were never believable, and Brandon's little dog, Midnight, who disappears into a time machine half way through the novel.

The Plot
Brandon and his friend Kara are playing softball catch in some unnamed city in West Virginia. That's right. Instead of just picking the capitol from the state the book takes place in, he was too lazy to even MAKE UP a city that it takes place in. I've read this book from cover to cover and it never once specified where exactly in West Virginia the characters live. Johnathan Rand, if your whole theme is having your book series take place around the country, you have to actually have your books take place AROUND THE COUNTRY!!! This includes naming cities as settings readers are familliar with. It makes your books look more informative and allows readers to relate to them. You should know this!!! Well, anyway. Brandon is a little jealous that Kara is kicking his butt at softball so he focuses all of his energy to make sure he knocks this one out of the park. Well, there is no park, really. The nearest one is ten miles away. Instead, the children are playing their game at a vacant lot on their block. Brandon succeeds in his attempt at hitting the ball far, but not exactly in the way he had hoped. You see, (and that isn't my writing, here, it's Johnathan Rand's) the ball just crashed through the window of a one Dr. Joseph Wentmeyer, the local eccentric mad scientist. You know, the same kind of eccentric mad scientist that somehow finds his way into every one of these books. (In case you're wondering why they don't just call him crazy, well it's because he's got enough money to be considered "eccentric".) Anyway, the two children decide that it's a good idea to sneak onto the overgrown, unkempt premesis of this mad doctor's workshop, completely covered in KEEP OUT and NO TRESPASSING SIGNS. And if that's not enough, they actually enter his top secret workshop with the intention of retrieving their ball. Dr. Wentmeyer arrives home and catches them in the act, however. Johnathan Rand describes him as a tall man with messy, gray hair, but I'm pretty sure he meant to describe Doc Brown.

No, not that Doc Brown. Doc Emmett Brown. The Christopher Lloyd one.

Anyway, so, the kids apologize to Wentmeyer and the good doctor tells them that they will have to pay for it themselves, for the mind-shatteringly large sum of fifty dollars, which just happens to be the average price for a window. The kids freak out, and Brandon insists that it would take him ten years to pay Dr. Wentmeyer back. Yeah, sure. Anyway, Wentmeyer tells the children that (guess what?) they will have to work for him until they work off the money they cost him when they broke his window. Because that hasn't been done a million times before- oh, wait...
Well, the next day, the kids come back when they hear an explosion. They rush inside to see what was the matter and they discover Dr. Wentmeyer looking more like someone out of a Tom and Jerry cartoon who plugged both barrels of a shotgun with their fingers rather than someone who just got caught in an actual explosion, complete with the black soot on his clothes. Because that happens in real life. Well, anyway, Dr. Wentmeyer completely ignores the fact that he just nearly got killed and despite the kids' persistent efforts to get him to explain what exactly happened to him, he skips over that and announces to the world (two children in West Virginia, actually) that he just invented a working time machine. Rather than publish his findings for the rest of the world to see, he decides to do what any rational person would do, and take two destructive children who just broke something of his the previous day, back in time. What could possibly go wrong, right? Well, a lot of things. They see that the time machine looks like a big, metal shoebox and Brandon asks if that is really the time machine. And get ready for what has to be the DUMBEST audience intelligence insulting moment you will ever see in ANY of these books:

"That's it?" I asked. Dr. Wentmeyer beamed. "That's the Time Retranspositioning and Sub-Molecular Reducing Teleporter."

That's right, folks. Johnathan Rand has now moved up to the prestigious level of Master Troll, by actually making up words and putting them in an order that makes no sense. That entire "scientific" name isn't even logical at all. This so-called name literally means nothing. You know when you hear "Germans" speaking gibberish in a movie and you want to figure out what they're saying but when you type it into Google Translate, it reveals that you totally fell for it and there were no actual words being spoken in German? It's kind of like that. Except worse. That would be like me writing a book about an invisibility formula and completely making up words that the formula is made from and then putting them in a random order, hoping that my readers will just ignore or not notice the blatent error.

"But, Dr. Small, what goes into it?" "Ah, elementary, my dear child. This formula consists entirely of mercuryaichydrolic acids and dimonoxide carbohydrates. And of course we can't forget the Prometheus Nissan Altimaium we add for extra flavor."

Well, anyway, I do have to give Johnathan Rand some credit for his design of the mechanisms on this time machine, beacuse it really is original and creative. But it is so woefully explained that it's hard to take it seriously. In a nutshell, the time machine works more like a teleporter than a typical time machine. It disappears and travels back in time without flying or moving at all. You punch in the coordinates and it appears at the exact location you want it to. And here's the cool part. The time machine, when having been used, is invisible to anybody who isn't inside it, except the people inside can look outside the machine and look at the events going on at the time.
Just listen to how he describes it: "You see, the machine travels on a molecular level. It changes into quadrillions of particles that are invisible to the naked eye." That's right. Quadrillions. Is that even a legitimate unit of measurement? Is the term "quadrillion" actually aknowledged by scientists outside of the realm of silly children's books?

And I would be lying if I didn't picture Mike Teavee traveling by television when I read that the machine traveled in particles invisible to the naked eye.

Well, anyway. Without consulting anyone, including their parents, to see if it is okay if they travel back into the distant past in an experimental time travel machine, the kids decide to go with an unstable mad scientist in a rickety time machine that could potentially be very dangerous. The scientist also tells Brandon that he can bring Midnight, saying: "And you, Mr. Doggie, will be the very first hound to travel through time." Well, I think that Einstein, Brown's dog, has that beat.

Kara and Brandon ignore the risks and instead use some pretty flawless logic to decide whether they should go or not.

"I'll go if you go." "Well, it really would be cool to travel back through time." "Okay. We'll do it."

Can't argue with that, can ya? Anyway, the doctor gets them inside the time machine and also brings up another good point. Wentmeyer tells them that instead of just talking about the past to kids, teachers can take field trips into the past and actually witness it, also unable to alter the past with the so-called "Butterfly Effect" because they can't go outside and change anything. However, when Wentmeyer leans down to pet Midnight, his elbow hits some switches and buttons, and triggers the time machine to go to the Prehistoric Times rather than Lincoln's Gettysburg Adress in 1863. He tells the children that he "overshot the runway" and then explains that the button (get this) malfunctioned! This resulted in the loss of invisibilty, leaving them completely vulnerable to whatever decides to attack them. Dr. Wentmeyer then has THE BALLS to tell the two to go outside and follow his instructions on turning a dial which he calls the Photomallification Transponding Reciever.
It looks as if Johnathan Rand is up to his old antics again. He once again made up a word and then put it in a sentence in a random order. How can any writer possibly do this? How? Twice? In one book? Why? What made him think this would be a good idea?
Well, they fix the problem and when they get back to the present, they discover that three velociraptors are holding onto the outside of the time machine, and chase them all throughout Wentmeyer's crowded lab. Brandon thinks Wentmeyer is surely a goner because all he is holding is a tennis racket. He then says the most mindnumbingly idiotic thing I've ever read in any of these books. He claims that the animal is too fast and powerful to be stopped, and that even if you had a gun, you couldn't stop it.

I beg to frickin' differ.

Yeah, a gun would TOTALLY kill one of these things. Even if you had a .22, it would still kill it if you shot it a few times. And have you seen what a typical self-defense .357 Magnum will do to thick ballistics gel? I think you need to click on this link to find the answer, and when you see it, I think that you'll realize it won't be hard to kill one of these things with a gun, the most reliable and powerful defense weapon in the history of mankind. If you can't kill a dinosaur with one, how can we kill a person?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7w4M-LNXuQ

Wentmeyer uses a tennis racket he literally modified with copper wires to turn into a tazer-like machine, (Kind of like the fire extinguisher tranquilizer) which he calls the Electronic Brain Wave Inhibitor. A third time, folks! Let's give Johnathan Rand a hand! He must have broken a few records here by doing that more than once. I can't even believe it. Anyway, the Inhibitor supposedly stops all brain activity and puts the dinosaur to sleep... except for the fact that that is impossible to do without killing the animal, but let's overlook that. Anyway, he then puts the dinosaur into a steel box. He doesn't kill it or anything, he just sort of leaves it there until it wakes up. Okay. Is he too afraid that he will upset the readers if he kills these things off? Who cares? They're vicious, primal animals! Drop a rock on their heads! Don't let them live!!! So a bullet can't stop these things, but a box will? Flawed logic there. Get this, the raptor actually wakes up and attacks the doctor when he tries to put it inside. Hmm... looks like that gun isn't such a bad idea after all, is it? Luckily, Wentmeyer closes the dinosaur in and Kara correctly suggests that they call the police. However, Wentmeyer, like all good scientists, got rid of his phone because he was annoyed by telemarketers. Okay. This leaves them completely stranded until they can defeat the dinosaurs alone. Luckily, Wentmeyer reveals that they can remotely control the time machine and send the dinosaurs back into the past, using a remote he invented that not only controls the time machine, but also the television. Okay, so he has a television, riddled with advertisements and idiotic shows, but not a phone? Dr. Wentmeyer is cornered by the velociraptors (Again, looks like a gun would have been handy, huh?) when Brandon gets the brilliant idea to use himself as a distraction and get the velociraptors to come after him. As he is fleeing from the dinosaurs, without any warning or provocation, a flashback. A flashback of a bike race with his friend, Lamar Shoda, randomly appears out of nowhere and Johnathan Rand spends over two pages describing it. What signifigance does this have, you ask? Why is this even in this book in such great detail? Don't ask. Just... don't ask. I guess it is kind of clever to convey how he knew he was going to crash his bike that day and winced, anticipating some kind of horrible injury, but really? Two and a half pages of detail to a pointless flashback? Whatever. Forget about it. Back to the important story. Anyway, when it looks grim for our heroes, Midnight, THE DOG, saves the day by engaging the vicious, carniverous dinosaurs who are experts at KILLING things smaller than them with their sharp teeth and claws, can not, in fact, defeat this one housepet Laborador. Forget about it. Too much logic, a no-no for these books. Wentmeyer then attracts the dinos and when they come at him, he drops a net on the dinosaurs and pins them to the ground. Brandon claims that the dinosaurs are very mad about this (okay, kind of obvious, but whatever) and Dr. Wentmeyer stops the dinosaurs from getting out of the net. Brandon actually says the only thing in this book that resembles something someone would actually say, by calling the knock-out tennis racquet device (See, Johnathan Rand? You just made me coin the phrase "knock-out tennis racquet device"! Shame on you, shame!) an "Electronic whatever-you-call-it". They use the device on the dinos to knock them out and then spend over two minutes carefully untangling these dangerous predators, rather than just throwing them inside the time machine. You know, logic. However, this proves to be a bad idea as the dinosaurs wake up and for the millionth time, nearly kill Dr. Wentmeyer. They taze or do whatever they need to do to the dinosaurs so they can put them inside the time machine, but they forget to knock out the one inside the steel cage. Brandon helpfully reminds the reader that the velociraptor was a very efficient hunter and planner, and this causes the velociraptor to wait until he had opened the door to lunge out at the doctor. And why do you have to be intelligent to do this? It's common sense! Anyway, Brandon drapes the net on the raptor, but the raptor quickly begins chewing his way through it. Luckily Dr. Wentmeyer uses the brain wave inhibitor on the creature but it wakes up AGAIN (yeah, that gun is looking like a pretty good idea, huh?) and goes after Kara. However, Midnight AGAIN saves Kara by putting his neck on the line. It seems like this dog has more guts than these protagonists. Midnight is truly man's best friend! He's risking his life to save his owners, and the owners are cowering behind some knock-out ray? Please. Some heroes. Anyway, Dr. Wentmeyer steps in and saves Midnight by using the Inhibitor. Why he didn't just do that before Midnight had to step in and risk his life is beyond me. However, they forget about the dinosaurs who are still inside the time machine.

WHY DON'T THEY JUST KILL THESE THINGS???? IT IS WAY TOO MUCH EFFORT KEEPING THEM ALIVE!!!! GET A SHOTGUN AND BLOW THEIR HEADS OFF, OR A HAMMER, OR SOME KIND OF LETHAL WEAPON!!!! I DON'T CARE IF IT'S A FRIGGIN' CAR, YOU DON'T NEED TO KEEP TEDIOUSLY KNOCKING THEM OUT!!! JUST.... kill them already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Wentmeyer programs the Parallel Molecular Coordinates which allow the time machine doors to open automatically and let the dinos out when they reach the past. And you tell me, I don't know, but that makes the FOURTH time that Johnathan Rand has spewed out nonsense claiming it to be scientific. Dr. Wentmeyer tells Brandon to press the button on the remote, but alas, Brandon accidentally drops the remote that was to transport them back in time. He picks it up and discovers that it won't work. This book then throws the dumbest twist EVER your way. The big "unexpected solution" on how to fix the remote is that Wentmeyer never even put the batteries in. Are you friggin' kidding me? Anyway, Dr. Wentmeyer slaps his forehead, complaining about his stupidity, saying: "Oh, for goodness sakes!"

Really? You'd be better off having him say 'Oh, for crying in the beer cheese soup!'

Brandon presses the button, sending the dinosaurs back to the Cretaceous Period. When the thing comes back, they find, get this, ANOTHER dinosaur on top. How many velociraptors could possibly be in one area of the jungle? This is one unrelated raptor that just decided to randomly go up to this big thing in the woods. Dr. Wentmeyer reveals his master plan: open the door of the machine and let the raptor smell the scent of the other dinos and enter the time machine.

And.... it works.

You tell me, I have no freaking clue why the raptor did that, but it did. They send it back to the past and then after the ordeal is over, Dr. Wentmeyer tells them that, because of all their help with the time machine, they don't have to work on his property anymore and have worked off the broken window. He tells them goodbye and Brandon is disappointed to find that his family doesn't believe him when he tells them of his adventures. Brandon tells them that after he makes his adjustments to the time machine, the doctor and his invention will be world famous. (That is, if that ever happens, it's left ambiguous and never explained) The next day, Kara tells him that there are dinosaur footprints all over the yard, but those are just dog tracks. And how do you confuse the two?
 
Seriously. What part of THIS says DOG? Anyway, they encounter a girl from New Hampshire named Hannah. For some reason, she is visiting West Virginia, over twelve hours away. Never explained. Screw it, he's only trying to tie-in the next book. Anyway, it starts to get dark and they play some softball. The ball lands in the dark, spooky woods and Hannah, get this, is too afraid to go get it because she is AFRAID OF GHOSTS. Just because something is dark, doesn't mean it harbors ghosts! This is kindergartener- no, preschooler logic, not pre-teenage logic!! Espescially since she DIDN'T EVEN ENCOUNTER GHOSTS!!!!!!! In the book she was in, she encountered the memories of the house she was living in. No ghosts here. Besides, why on Earth would she be afraid if they never harmed her in any way? Whatever. Anyway, she tells her story and Brandon says that it is "Horrifying". Yeah, don't think so. Wonder what Brandon and Kara thought when Hannah told them she never even ecnountered ghosts in the first place? Whatever, because that's another story...

Things I Learned From This Book

• You can name something the Time Retranspositioning and Sub-Molecular Reducing Teleporter
• You can name something the Photomallification Transponding Reciever
• You can name something the Electronic Brain Wave Inhibitor 
• You can name something the Parallel Molecular Coordinate
• American Chillers suck
• A powerful gun cannot possibly stop a dinosaur slightly bigger than a large dog
• Dinosaurs are faster than bullets, apparently...
• If you shut off the brain of a creature, it won't die, but merely fall asleep
• It doesn't snow in West Virginia
• American Chillers still sucks

Where Have I Seen This Before Alert
Yep. You may think I'm cheating here, but Dinosaurs Destroy Detroit is the EXACT SAME BOOK AS THIS. Except, Dinosaurs Destroy Detroit didn't completely suck and had a few redeeming qualities. This abomination is virtually identical to this one. Dinosaurs are brought into the future where they run amok before being transported back into the past by the protagonists. That's it. That's all it is. IDENTICAL.

Questionable Science
Dr. Wentmeyer (who is obviously insane), invites two children, unaccompanied and without consent, into the past without revealing his revolutionary design to experts around the world. Not to mention that this time machine malfunctions frequently, having exploded at least twice, and he screws up and sends them into the distant past when he intended to travel to 1863. He then tells the two children to go outside with the dangerous velociraptors and fix the dial he broke when he messed with the machine. After they fix the problem, the two are attacked by vicious velociraptors and they barely make it back to the future (ha ha!) and then discover that he inadvertantly transported these ferocious dinosaurs into the future with them. He puts the dinosaurs to sleep rather than just shooting them and this causes another problem whereupon the children are forced to fend off the dinosaurs themselves. He also makes up scientific terms and puts them in a random order. You think he will lose his funding for this?

Questionable Parenting
Brandon's dad tells him that the next time he goes back in time, to bring back a Brontosaurus, because he hears that they are "tasty on the grill".

Questionable Writing
Sorry, I know I'm sticking to this, but really, Johnathan Rand? Making up words? And then, you put salt in the wound by putting them in a random order?

Johnathan Rand shows he is down with the kids
"Traveling through time is cool, but I'm not too hip about being attacked by real dinosaurs."

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending Alert
Of course, when you're dealing with ferocious dinosaurs, anything can happen...

Holy Crow Alert
This book invents the phrase "Holy Crow", as if Holy Cow was copyrighted or something. Johnathan Rand not only needlessly invents this unnecessary and ridiculous phrase, but uses it THREE TIMES in one book. Wow. Just... wow.
I can't even picture Robin saying that. Let's try. "Holy crow, Batman!" No. Doesn't work.

Captain Obvious Alert
Sorry, Mom... I was stuck millions of years in the past because Dr. Wentmeyer's contraption broke and we were attacked by dinosaurs. That's why I'm late for lunch.

She wouldn't believe that for a second.
(Strangely, though, he tells his parents anyway, and they, strangely enough, do not believe him! What a shock!)

Great Prose Alert
If Dr. Wentmeyer was Angry now, he would go ape-crazy when he saw the broken window.

Ridiculous Simile Alert (more ridiculous than ape-crazy)
Dr. Wentmeyer's eyes lit up like spotlights.

Even More Ridiculous Simile Alert (more ridiculous than spotlight eyes)
It crouched down and flew up into the air like a Super-Frog!

Conclusions
This book is so bad. Downright terrible, in fact. Unfortunately, I happen to own this book, and wish every day of my young life that I could travel back in time (without bringing back velociraptors, of course) and then shoot my younger self so I don't wind up spending my hard earned money on this piece of garbage. But if I did go back in time, I would want to be traveling in the Time Retranspositioning and Sub-Molecular Reducing Teleporter ©. 
If you think about it, it's really the better alternative. In fact, any book that uses the phrase "Holy Crow" more than twice, needs to be doused in holy water and burned at the stake.
All joking aside, though, this book is really fun to read. It's so poorly structured and absurd. It's so bad, it's good! Worth a read just for the laughs.