5: Kreepy Klowns of Kalamazoo
First off, the biggest problem with this book is simply its title. Kreepy Klowns of Kalamazoo. He actually spelled two words WRONG just so they could match the spelling of Kalamazoo for the tongue-twister title. Why he felt he needed to do this and why he thought kids would relate to this is irrelevant. Often times, his attempts at making the titles start the same often hinder the plot, because then he actually has to use the material in the titles to make the book. But then again, he is the guy who brought us these: Vicious Vacuums of Virginia, Monster Melons from Venus, and Freddie Fernortner: Fantastic First Grader and the Fantastic Flying Bicycle, so we're in good hands.
Anyway, at a carnival in, where else, Michigan,
and, like in all stories Johnathan Rand writes, Michigan is creepy and has strange things happening. Klaus VonKlown (crazy name) has for some reason, resorted to his true calling, making robot "Klowns" that drink battery acid and eat old radio parts. Wow, didn't know that robots had digestive systems. So, for some reason, the "Klowns" turn evil, and use the gravitron ride, that, coincidentially, came with a system that sucks out (here we go again, Rand has thrown the life energy concept at us) "LIFE ENERGY" And in one part, the clown is carrying a KNIFE! Oh, wait, it's just a butter knife. How can you not tell it's a completely harmless butter knife? Also, the Klowns make sandwiches (with no butter, so the butter knife was completely useless) out of bread and old radio parts, but, if they can tolerate bread, why don't they just eat bread?
4: Sinister Spiders of Saginaw
This girl hates spiders. Then one day, she somehow winds up under the city sewers and comes face to face with a giant spider! But don't worry, it's only Jarred from school. It appears that the spiders are actually shapeshifting aliens (are you confused yet) that fled their planet because the bad spiders on the planet didn't like them. Wow. It was that bad? What kind of society has BOTH good spiders and bad spiders? It's like North Korea, apparently. So, then these aliens (who can only shapeshift into spiders and humans) somehow find their way to a planet filled with humans, and what luck! They're able to enroll into public school. WHAT THE !@#$?!?! So, then they battle the stupid spiders who are trying to put spider eggs into the city water supply and turn everyone into spiders. Why terrorize Saginaw, Michigan, instead of, say, Tokyo, or even LA?? These are some stupid aliens. Turning the Earth's humans into spiders one Michigan city at a time! So, then the ending happens and the girl who hates spiders discovers that she is a spider. WHAT? It's like me not knowing I was Chinese, when you thought your whole life that you were Hispanic. A lame attempt at an RL Stine type twist, only RL Stine actually makes sense. In My Best Friend is Invisible, he never said that they were humans when they were aliens, but in this one, she says she hates spiders, when she is one. That's like me saying 'I Hate HUMANS!!!'
Hey, Johnathan Rand, I have a message for you. Click on this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrTkmDLUm2w
3: Minnesota Mall Mannequins
These kids from Saint Paul go on a field trip to the Mall of America in Minneapolis. (Bad teaching alert. WHO TAKES FIELD TRIPS TO A SHOPPING MALL?) Well, soon these kids get lost and nobody comes looking for them. Soon, this lady brings all the mannequins to life, but they are actually programmed by aliens thanks to a tower on the top of the mall. Okay, who wouldn't notice aliens putting up a tower on the mall? Anyway, then they find a classmate, (?) who drops a bomb on the reader that a comet flew over the city and sent: (and I quote) some kind of electricity that brought the mannequins to life" What. So, these ridiculous mannequins try and kidnap these kids because they want to harness their "life energy". WHAT IS THAT??? Very bad. MUY MALL!!!
2: Missouri Madhouse
These two 11-year-olds (!) who love to watch scary movies (Bad parenting alert) aren't aware of a scary tourist attraction that has been in their town for a long time. (?) So, they go inside, where a carnival awaits them, and a boy tells them that they will be trapped there because the evil wizard, Jeffrey wants to keep them there forever. (Jeffrey Dahmer?) So, long story short, they go through this portal and fly all over the world, such as a waterfall, a vampire's castle, and finally, Santa's village. Come on! This is making the Leprechaun from the Leprechaun movies look scary!
Then santa tells this kid who has been following them that he hasn't been good. He apologizes, he goes back on the good list, they go home and live happily ever after. THE END!!!!
AND THE NUMBER ONE WORST CHILLERS BOOK IS:
North Dakota Night Dragons
This one doesn't even deserve a number, it was so bad. It was about as "exciting" as buying socks. Allow me to explain. The book starts off with some kid describing Bismarck, North Dakota. (Here's how he describes the zoo: It's a lot of fun. Amazing description!) Well, anyway, One night, this kid is playing kick the can (What? Kids still play that?!?!?) when he is suddenly swooped up by a talking dragon demanding the "Orb of Shammar" What. So, the dragon that wants "the Orb of Shamwow" summons some more dragons from "the Emerald Realm" including one two-headed dragon named "Dantar". However, a good dragon that can also transform into a person allows them to go into the dangerous alternate dimension filled with dangerous creatures to find the "sword of eternal power", while she guards the orb. Although, it would make more sense for her to go in there as a dragon so they can guard the orb, but no.
This book is like Dragon Wars meets Harry Potter. It's horrendous. An awful mixture of fantasy, action, adventure, sci-fi, misleading cliffhanger chapter endings, implausibility, stupid characters, and "horror".
Wow.
Conclusions
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