Troy's LEAST Favorite Books

Today, I tackle my LEAST favorite Chillers books. (Not counting Freddie Fernortner) It is extremely difficult to choose this list. I always have a hard time reading Chillers, but these are the ones that REALLY are bad. Yeah, folks, that's right. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

5: Kreepy Klowns of Kalamazoo
First off, the biggest problem with this book is simply its title. Kreepy Klowns of Kalamazoo. He actually spelled two words WRONG just so they could match the spelling of Kalamazoo for the tongue-twister title. Why he felt he needed to do this and why he thought kids would relate to this is irrelevant. Often times, his attempts at making the titles start the same often hinder the plot, because then he actually has to use the material in the titles to make the book. But then again, he is the guy who brought us these: Vicious Vacuums of Virginia, Monster Melons from Venus, and Freddie Fernortner: Fantastic First Grader and the Fantastic Flying Bicycle, so we're in good hands.
Anyway, at a carnival in, where else, Michigan,

and, like in all stories Johnathan Rand writes, Michigan is creepy and has strange things happening. Klaus VonKlown (crazy name) has for some reason, resorted to his true calling, making robot "Klowns" that drink battery acid and eat old radio parts. Wow, didn't know that robots had digestive systems. So, for some reason, the "Klowns" turn evil, and use the gravitron ride, that, coincidentially, came with a system that sucks out (here we go again, Rand has thrown the life energy concept at us) "LIFE ENERGY" And in one part, the clown is carrying a KNIFE! Oh, wait, it's just a butter knife. How can you not tell it's a completely harmless butter knife? Also, the Klowns make sandwiches (with no butter, so the butter knife was completely useless) out of bread and old radio parts, but, if they can tolerate bread, why don't they just eat bread?

4: Sinister Spiders of Saginaw
This girl hates spiders. Then one day, she somehow winds up under the city sewers and comes face to face with a giant spider! But don't worry, it's only Jarred from school. It appears that the spiders are actually shapeshifting aliens (are you confused yet) that fled their planet because the bad spiders on the planet didn't like them. Wow. It was that bad? What kind of society has BOTH good spiders and bad spiders? It's like North Korea, apparently. So, then these aliens (who can only shapeshift into spiders and humans) somehow find their way to a planet filled with humans, and what luck! They're able to enroll into public school. WHAT THE !@#$?!?! So, then they battle the stupid spiders who are trying to put spider eggs into the city water supply and turn everyone into spiders. Why terrorize Saginaw, Michigan, instead of, say, Tokyo, or even LA?? These are some stupid aliens. Turning the Earth's humans into spiders one Michigan city at a time! So, then the ending happens and the girl who hates spiders discovers that she is a spider. WHAT? It's like me not knowing I was Chinese, when you thought your whole life that you were Hispanic.  A lame attempt at an RL Stine type twist, only RL Stine actually makes sense. In My Best Friend is Invisible, he never said that they were humans when they were aliens, but in this one, she says she hates spiders, when she is one. That's like me saying 'I Hate HUMANS!!!'

Hey, Johnathan Rand, I have a message for you. Click on this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrTkmDLUm2w

3: Minnesota Mall Mannequins
These kids from Saint Paul go on a field trip to the Mall of America in Minneapolis. (Bad teaching alert. WHO TAKES FIELD TRIPS TO A SHOPPING MALL?) Well, soon these kids get lost and nobody comes looking for them. Soon, this lady brings all the mannequins to life, but they are actually programmed by aliens thanks to a tower on the top of the mall. Okay, who wouldn't notice aliens putting up a tower on the mall? Anyway, then they find a classmate, (?) who drops a bomb on the reader that a comet flew over the city and sent: (and I quote) some kind of electricity that brought the mannequins to life" What. So, these ridiculous mannequins try and kidnap these kids because they want to harness their "life energy". WHAT IS THAT??? Very bad. MUY MALL!!!
2: Missouri Madhouse
These two 11-year-olds (!) who love to watch scary movies (Bad parenting alert) aren't aware of a scary tourist attraction that has been in their town for a long time. (?) So, they go inside, where a carnival awaits them, and a boy tells them that they will be trapped there because the evil wizard, Jeffrey wants to keep them there forever. (Jeffrey Dahmer?) So, long story short, they go through this portal and fly all over the world, such as a waterfall, a vampire's castle, and finally, Santa's village. Come on! This is making the Leprechaun from the Leprechaun movies look scary!

Then santa tells this kid who has been following them that he hasn't been good. He apologizes, he goes back on the good list, they go home and live happily ever after. THE END!!!!

AND THE NUMBER ONE WORST CHILLERS BOOK IS:

North Dakota Night Dragons
This one doesn't even deserve a number, it was so bad. It was about as "exciting" as buying socks. Allow me to explain. The book starts off with some kid describing Bismarck, North Dakota. (Here's how he describes the zoo: It's a lot of fun. Amazing description!) Well, anyway, One night, this kid is playing kick the can (What? Kids still play that?!?!?) when he is suddenly swooped up by a talking dragon demanding the "Orb of Shammar" What. So, the dragon that wants "the Orb of Shamwow" summons some more dragons from "the Emerald Realm" including one two-headed dragon named "Dantar". However, a good dragon that can also transform into a person allows them to go into the dangerous alternate dimension filled with dangerous creatures to find the "sword of eternal power", while she guards the orb. Although, it would make more sense for her to go in there as a dragon so they can guard the orb, but no.
This book is like Dragon Wars meets Harry Potter. It's horrendous. An awful mixture of fantasy, action, adventure, sci-fi, misleading cliffhanger chapter endings, implausibility, stupid characters, and "horror".

Wow.

Conclusions

The top 10 books that sound RIDICULOUS!!!

10: Ogres of Ohio: OOOH, this one is about.... Shrek? You know what? I am DONE trying to make your books sound scary, Johnathan Rand!!! Where is my check?!?!
I think Donkey said it best:

"I just know, before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'."

9: Virtual Vampires of Vermont: OOOH, they just gave me a computer virus!!!
8: Oregon Oceanauts: OOOH, this one is about... submarines? OKAY, WHAT?!?!?! Since when have submarines been scary?


I stand corrected.
7: Creepy Condors of California: OOOH, this one is about... a killer endangered species... what? Since when have birds been scary?

I stand corrected.

Eh, maybe.

I don't think so.

I still don't think so.

6: New York Ninjas: Okay, Ninjas? This isn't scary, this is just what little boys like! Ninjas aren't scary, they're just awesome!

5:  Nebraska Nightcrawlers: Only R.L Stine was able to make worms creepy, and even then, he didn't make them giant!

I stand corrected. BUT, he only made ONE gigantic, and the rest just worked his way into his food and slowly ruined his life.
4: Oklahoma Outbreak: In this one, Rand actually makes "cooties" a real disease. Okay.

3: The Nevada Nightmare Novel: Yeah. Johnathan Rand was too lazy to come up with a title, so he just called it a scary book that takes place in Nevada.

That's like, right before Stephen King wrote The Shining, he instead decided to change it to The Novel About a Psychic Kid Whose Dad Goes Crazy in a Haunted Colorado Hotel.

2: Attack of the Monster Venus Melon!: And yeah, he actually put the exclamation point on there. Okay, wow. Just... wow. Not only is this thing from Venus, which has crushing pressure, sulfuric acid for air, and blazing hot temperatures, but it is also a FRUIT!!!! Yeah, because the so-called "Hell Planet" can support agriculture! Okay. Okay. When ever have vegetables been so scary?

I stand corrected.

AND THE NUMBER ONE MOST RIDICULOUS SOUNDING BOOK IS:
Vicious Vacuums of Virginia: Okay, wow. Just, wow. Does that even sound like it will even try to be a good book. OOOH, BEWARE OF THE..... vacuums?

I just can't resist: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTwqmj1551E

Conclusions
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzDqIvkexbM

Troy's Favorite Books

Okay, this is a list of Chillers books. *Gag* I never thought I'd see the day where I would be writing this post, but here it is:

#5: Poisonous Pythons Paralyze Pennsylvania:
This book is pretty bad, but this is the best I could find. (That's how bad this series is) So, this book is about a kid who finds a python skin (?) in a Pennsylvania swamp. (What??? Pythons in a swamp (?) in Pennsylvania??? So, they take it to a pet store (Yeah that's smart. Ask the teenager working minimum wage for advice on a twenty-seven foot reptile.) Turns out, that this guy is working with the local scientist (?) who lost them from his exhibit. This scientist takes back the pythons, and reveals that, for some reason, he engineered them to be poisonous. Way to create the ultimate super weapon, buddy. But wait, the teeth of a python are maybe a half an inch long, so the poison wouldn't do very well. Wait! Here I am, asking logical questions again. So, the pythons escape from this guy's "heavily guarded" lab AGAIN and they escape into the swamp. Go figure. So, he takes out a cannister of knock out gas (or something like that) disguised as a fire extinguisher (?) Why did he do that? What was the point? To get it past airport security? Nice, Johnathan Rand. What's next? A power saw disguised as a corn dog? So, then comes the actually somewhat exciting chase for these two poisonous non-poisonous reptiles. No, it doesn't make any sense to me either.

#4: Terrible Tractors of Texas
This book is actually somewhat suspenseful and deep. It is about a Texas farmhand named Jake who finds that experimental fuel is being loaded into their tractors. His friends come over to stay the weekend, but soon Jake notices that the tractors are behaving rather strangely. Soon, the tractors come to life, go nuts and begin destroying the farm. They must find a way to stop them, including a bulldozer (Okay, Johnathan Rand has obviously never been to a farm. I don't live on a farm, but I have been to tons, and I know that bulldozers = construction sites, and tractors = farms.) The book is actually pretty well-written, doesn't use as much fake-outs, and does a pretty decent job of keeping you interested, all the while not succumbing to very many Johnathan Rand cliches.

#3: Invisible Iguanas of Illinois
This is another somewhat high quality book (for this series anyway) and it deals with two iguanas that are watched by these two kids while their owner is away. This stupid kid orders invisibility powder from a comic, and it winds up ACTUALLY working. (wait a minute, they sell actual invisibility powder in the back of comic books???? Why it isn't used by the military I don't know. In fact, in the movie Hollow Man, even for scientists working for the military on invisibility, it was nearly IMPOSSIBLE to get the formula to work, and the lack of sleep and pain from the transformation drove the guy insane! Nice one, Rand.) So, the kid leaves the stuff out and the iguanas get to it somehow and wind up growing (?) and get wings. What. Now, this book, like Terrible Tractors of Texas, doesn't use as much fake-outs, almost gets right to the action, and does a pretty good job of keeping you interested.

#2: Dinosaurs Destroy Detroit
This book is silly, but still suspenseful. Because his possibly senile grandfather told him it would be there at an exact time at the exact place, Nick discovers a time portal outside Detroit, Michigan. (another thing, all of Rand's books (save American chillers) take place in Michigan, because he lives in Michigan.) Well, he  and his friend Summer are nearly trapped in the past, and decide to bring a baby T-Rex into the future, and don't bother to tell his parents. OKAY, WHAT?!?!? WHAT?!?! Seriously, they go into this rip of the space-time continuom, not knowing WHERE it leads, and are almost KILLED, and bring a DINOSAUR into the future with plans of selling it for profit!!!!!!

I think that Jurassic Park III said it best:
"You STOLE raptor eggs?"
"Yes, but you've got to believe me, I did it so we could fund the dig site. I had the best intentions!"
"Billy, some of the WORST THINGS IMAGINABLE have been done with the best intentions."

Well, anyway, soon there are two twenty foot T-Rex's that come into Detroit looking for their baby.
For some reason, I don't get why the National Guard couldn't take out two twenty foot dinosaurs. But, here I am, speaking logically, and like I said, a no-no. Anyway, he drives his bike through a drive-thru that is somehow still open despite the dinosaur attacks, (what.) and he gets cheeseburgers to lure the dinosaurs back. For some reason, the T-Rex's follow the scent, although their sight is based on movement, not smell, but here I am, speaking logically. So, the world is saved, and then he meets someone else who tees off the next book by "topping" his story with another creepy story. By the way, that happens in all of the books.
AND THE NUMBER ONE JOHNATHAN RAND BOOK IS:

Iron Insects Invade Indiana
This book is actually somewhat plausable, despite the fact that there are TWO, count 'em, TWO mad scientists.  It seems like every one of Rand's books has a mad scientist. One is a good toy scientist, the other is his bitter relative who tricks his employees into building robotic insect parts under the promise that they are band instrument parts. Well, anyway, these two kids are faced with a plot to destroy the city of Elkhart with a swarm of robot insects. Wait a minute, if you were making robots, why not make a robot monster that can destroy the city much easier. Well, then it wouldn't start with I, so I guess that that would be out. And wait, I am speaking logically, and that is a BIG no-no for these books. But, the book is still a fun, suspenseful, gritty, realistic read, and one of the only books that actually could happen in real life. It keeps you interested, you feel with the characters, and you are actually suspensed!!!

COMING SOON:
Mississippi Megalodon
Invisible Iguanas of Illinois
Bionic Bats of Bay City
Iron Insects Invade Indiana
Poisonous Pythons Paralyze Pennsylvania
Terrible Tractors of Texas
Savage Dinosaurs of South Dakota
Wicked Velociraptors of West Virginia
Terrifying Toys of Tennessee