I wasn't even aware that this partictular series of books existed until my friend and co-founder of this partictular blog, Chris Bly, gave me this book at school last year. At first, upon seeing the very title and cover of this book, I knew that this would be the scariest one I had ever read, much scarier than any of the Chillers books. He also told me that he hadn't made it past chapter three, which scared me even more. But I had to read it. For the blog. I let this sit on my bookshelf and collect dust for almost a year until one partictular Sunday, when I was bored enough to read it and write this partictular review. And I somehow found that I was almost three times as bored by the time I finished this book.
Main Characters
Freddie Fernortner, whose believability disappears halfway through the novel, and Darla, Chipper, and Mr. Chewy, who all disappear into a lake and a cloud halfway through the novel.
Plot
This book is 100% absurd. I mean, I'll read you the first few paragraphs and tell me that it isn't. It starts off with an apparently omniscient narrarator who may or may not be Johnathan Rand.
The story of Freddie Fernortner is a curious one. Oh, sure, he was in many ways, a normal first grader, with a few small exceptions. For one, Freddie was very, very smart. When he was just one year old, he could speak very clearly. At two, he knew his ABCs. And when he was only three, he knew the names of every single state in America. His Mother and Father were quite proud. His mother would often look at him and say, "My goodness, Freddie! You're the smartest boy in the city!" This made Freddie feel very good. But Freddie Fernortner also had a very, very active imagination--- a fearless imagination--- which, unfortionately, often got him into trouble. And not just him either. You see, Freddie had three best friends: Darla, his next door neighbor; Chipper, his friend from across the street; and Mr. Chewy, Freddie's cat. The cat was named Mr. Chewy because Freddie had taught the creature to chew bubble gum. Mr. Chewy could even blow bubbles!
So, do you see what I mean? A bubble gum chewing cat, a flying bycicle, and a ridiculous, whimsical narrarator. So, it starts off describing how Darla leans outside from her bedroom window and asks if he wants to go on a bike ride.
Upon hearing this Freddie "leapt" to his feet and agreed. They go down "fudgewhipple" (?) street and ask Chipper, their overweight and funny friend if he wants to go and he agrees, and says this:
"We can race each other to the park. Why, I can pedal so fast, that I can almost fly!"
Which got Freddie thinking. "You know," He said as he turned and stared up into the bright blue sky, "I bet we really could fly. I mean... if we worked really hard."
So, Freddie is "getting more and more excited by the second" and tells them how they can make wings out of sheets, bungee chords, and wood and hook a fan up to the bike chain. Although initially reluctant, the friends agree when Freddie says "it won't be scary, it will be fun!" And they proceed to spend two hours building something that I, and anyone else, could have built in two minutes. Now we get to our first "cliffhanger chapter ending", where it says: Question was: Would it really fly? Freddie Fernortner, fearless first grader, was about to find out.
Dear Lord, Johnathan Rand is actually trying to make an adventure novel SCARY!!!! What is wrong with this guy? So, the bike does fly and he actually flies above his neighborhood in circles for several minutes without anyone noticing. "See!?!?" Freddie shouted to the neighborhood below. Wow. Did you have enough exclamation points and question marks after that? So he asks Darla to come along on an adventure to nowhere in partictular, and soon Chipper decides to come along, and feels the need to actually bring the cat along, and then the narrarator says that Freddie did not know that disaster was about to strike... What? Really? Another scary cliffhanger chapter ending?
So, apparently there are very large gusts of wind, and they decide not to land like idiots, and keep going on their makeshift and precarious aircraft that can somehow support the weight of three people and a house cat. And then the narrarator says: Of course, Freddie, Darla, and Chipper had know way of knowing it, but their troubles were only beginning. My God, if there were a drinking game based on how many misleading scary cliffhanger chapter endings there were in this book, you would be wasted in the first five chapters. They finally say that they have to land, something they should have said WAY before they got into gale force winds, but the wind is too strong and they arrive in a cloud. Wait, so they are now 6,000 feet in the air? The cloud is gigantic and they cannot see what is coming. So, like normal kids, they are not worried at all until they see a jumbo jet coming right for them in a cliffhanger chapter ending! However, the plane, and its passengers, who somehow saw the bicycle manages to miss the bike by inches, without sucking it into its engines, or flipping it over, I guess. So, out of the clouds, they turn around and begin to dive for a landing, but the chain is broken and they are plummeting to their doom in a cliffhanger chapter ending. Thank Goodness! So, like everyone falling to their deaths, they casually discuss where they want to land, maybe in a haystack. But, really, they would want to end in a lake, because they would be wiped out in a haystack. Then they start to circle downwards and tell Freddie to avoid the lake, because there may be sharks in there.
Come on, sharks don't live in lakes... do they?
So, they do land in the lake and it is only waist deep. But then there is a giant water snake, that turns out to be a branch. So, he actually fixes the chain and they decide that they want to fly again. Um, why? You were almost killed last time! But then a bear chases after them, and they narrowly escape it. In the next chapter, they are attacked by eagles. Good Lord, these kids are the unluckiest kids in the universe. They narrowly escape the eagles and discover that there is a storm chasing after them. They escape the storm and a gust of wind carries the ridiculously precarious bike higher, and finally into a pine tree. So, they fix the bike and fly to their street and proclaim that they will be "heroes" for building the bike. (?) So, the bungee chord connecting the wing to the handlebars snaps and they frantically argue about what they must do. He tells Darla to hold the handlebars as he bends down and fixes it.
He fixes it just in time, right as the entire thing crashes into the sidewalk. They are thrown onto a soft patch of grass as God finally chooses to destroy the freaking bike, something he had tried to do from the get-go. Darla expresses happiness that they didn't get killed, but Freddie is glum that they won't fly again. ??? I wouldn't go near that thing if all that crap happened to me! So, Freddie tells his family all about what happened, but nobody believes him, and he actually asks if he can go to the library to read scary books. What brought this up? Nothing. He just feels like going to the library to read scary books. He gets another good idea so he calls both of his neighbors who live right next to him and tells them to come over. But, why didn't he just come over there and ask them? So, he tells all of his plan about putting up a tent in their backyard and reading his scary book aloud. And our narrarator says it is: Something scary. Something terrifying. Something that wasn't a story. Something that was real. And for Freddie Fernortner, fearless first grader, it would be a night that he, Darla, and Chipper wouldn't soon forget....
And that was The Fantastic Flying Bicycle and wow, it sucked. This was the most absurd, insulting, outrageous, stereotypical, unlikely thing that I have ever read!
What I Learned From This Book
* A fan can propel a bicycle loaded down with three people and a house cat.
* Cats can chew bubble gum.
* Jets can miss a flying bicycle by inches without actually hitting it.
* Bicycles can fly.
* Kids can take two hours to build the easiest contraption in the world.
* Flying bicycles can climb into the altitude that commercial jets fly in.
* Bicycles can travel 6,000 feet in the air.
* Children know what a water snake is.
* Sharks live in lakes.
* If you are falling to your doom, casually discuss where you would like to land.
* If you want to fly around the state, don't tell anybody.
* Children use the phrase "holy cow!"
* Bears will attack children without any provocation whatsoever.
* Eagles will attack children without any provocation whatsoever.
* Never make a flying bicycle or you will be attacked by every creature ever created.
* Johnathan Rand is OBSESSED with putting scary elements or referencing scary books in every book he has written.
Great Prose Alert
The roaring of the plane grew defening. Louder, louder.... And then--- It was gone!
Great Observation Alert
"We're going to be smashed as flat as a pancake! My Mom and Dad are going to be really, really mad!"
Onomatopoeia Alert
Bang! Kerrunch! Crash! Boom!
Memorable Scary Cliffhanger Chapter Ending Alerts
* And he started pedaling... not knowing that disaster was about to strike.
* Of course, Freddie, Darla, and Chipper had no way of knowing that their troubles were only beginning.
* Darla was right. A large plane suddenly appeared through the clouds. It was moving super-fast... and it was headed right for them!
* The three friends---and Mr. Chewy, too---knew that their luck had just run out.
* "A giant water snake!" She shrieked. "It's coming after me!"
* They were running because something was chasing them... and that something was a bear!
* But something else was really mad. And at that very moment, it was chasing them... Freddie, Darla, and Chipper just didn't know it yet. Two seconds later, they found out what it was.
* In the next instant, the bike and its four helpless passengers crashed into the top of the pine tree.
* "Everything will be fine. I promise." But Freddie was wrong. Because everything wasn't going to be fine. As a matter of fact, things were just about to get worse. A lot worse.
* The bike began to lower, gliding effortlessly toward the earth... when disaster struck.
* "Hang on tight!" Freddie ordered. And as soon as he got those words out, the fantastic flying bicycle crashed down onto the sidewalk.
* They were all going to have a lot of fun. For a while at least. Until something happened. Something scary. Something terrifying. Something that wasn't a story. Something that was real. And for Freddie Fernortner, fearless first grader, it would be a night that he, Darla, and Chipper wouldn't soon forget....
Anorexia Alert
"Maybe I'm too heavy!" Darla shouted as the wind rushed past. "I had a big bowl of cereal for breakfast, you know!"
The Million Dollar Question
Can children build a fully functioning flying bicycle? If you answered no, then you've just won a million dollars!
Conclusions
Need I say more?
